I'd be durned if I did not meet a copy of my father at my friends' (Tara and Adam) wedding. It was a little weird. I knew there was something about the guy that caught my attention but it was not until we were talking later on in the evening that I realized what it was. They share the same interest in politics, same way of handling people, similar philosophies on life, close in height (though he is a little taller than my father), very principled, and they are both always the statesmen. Talking to him was more than a little weird. His comment to me that evening "I knew there was something about you that i liked." Hum i probably remind him of his mother.

Oh and there is no way that anything would happen there. I will admit most of the guys I am interested in have traits similar to my father, such as being highly principled men, but there comes a point where someone is too much like your dad. :)

Tara and Adam's wedding was wonderful. She looked beautiful, but that is no surprise. This woman is beautiful even when she is sweaty playing football. She fairly skipped down the aisle and while they were taking their vows. Adam had that look that so many grooms have the "this is mine. I got this wonderful prize. She belongs to me! (not in the cave man way you know what I mean.)" It was wonderful wedding and it was good to see everyone. The wedding was fun but the whole weekend was as well. I liked walking down the streets of Asheville and running into people we knew. I enjoyed the ridiculous conversations that would often occur between us. I enjoyed being in their company. It was just good to see some of the old gang. It was good the same way last weekend at Nick and Jill's wedding was. It was a different group but still the same sort of Mercer feel. I can honestly say that I enjoy the people I went to law school with. Again I have been blessed with knowing some good people. I have three more weddings coming up. Hopefully I will get a chance to go to them and just enjoy their company.


In other news I am still seeking employment. Sigh. I will be heading out for the job fair later on this week. I am hopeful. I have to be. The only thing I struggle with is, is this the right move at this time... am I giving up. Are the doors really closed right now? I am hoping that God gives me clear cut direction. I fear taking any job just because it is a job. I don't want to put myself in two years of hades. I want to do work that challenges me but I also want to enjoy the people I work with. I can do any task as long as I care about the people I am working with and for.

Ok enough blab. I'm off to go write some e-mail.

Miss you guys.

Grateful

So I was in the kitchen today with someone I love dearly... and they went from subject to subject complaining. They really weren't unhappy they just complained out of habit. It hit me that I am well on my way towards being the same way. Ouch. But I honestly believe that this is a good realization to come to. If you ask some of the people in my life what I thought about Moot Court they probably heard more complaints than praises of the good. Here is one praise, I received some life long friendships from it. Here is another, I received a chance to do what I hope to do one day in real life, appellate work. And finally through all sorts of weirdness I received awards to bolster my resume.

This is not a new thought for me... I realized months ago that I needed to clean the blog-name of the guy I dated. All my blogs concerning him were tortured and whinny. For the record he was (is) an awesome guy and treated me well. He taught me a lot: about life and what it means to treat another person well. He honestly tried to take care of me, even when I didn't want to be taken care of. I hope that I will treat the next guy I date (and hopefully the last ) as well.

So today I made myself go, what am I grateful for today? And I am grateful for a lot. I am grateful for getting a chance to meet Cheryl/Xavier/David who look out for me in the legal profession. I am grateful for my car being gone... because my mother and I have spent more time together. Heck I am grateful for the car incident because it is allowing my sisters to come through for me. It is forcing me to spend less money (important when you have none).

I am grateful for everything not going according to plan with job stuff. There is so much to be thankful for. I just need to remember that everyday.

So feel free when I start to whine too much to kick me in the seat of my pants. I will probably thank you later on.

*****
In other news I've been having some good God times... and I have been thinking about finally finishing the blog I started. Thinking about it... I am excited for the job fair, the people I will get a chance to see, and seeing nyc/dc.

But i need to get to bed. Again there will be substance at some point. But my bed is calling me and I must pick up.

Double dipping

So I was on the Logos blog and I ran across an old post that is ringing a little true right now.
Everything that I am saying about Dean, insert me. I remember talking to my friend/brother after I sent him this e-mail. He, james, said to me... i could see God's heart in that, wanting to show us more than we want for ourselves. There is a quote from CS Lewis that is so fitting right now. I am going to butcher this quote but here goes "We are content eating mud pies when He has for us a vaction by the shore." You get the idea. He has so much more for us than what we are willing to try.

Part of me wonders if that is what is going on with me right now. I have this idea of life and what I know and I have experianced and I know that it has been good... but there is so much more. There is something new and greater that He has for me. But i am content to play in the mud pies because it is what I know and it pleases me for now. There is so much more, so muc h more than what I am living for. And I have no idea what the next step is but I know that I need to be in a place of discontent, uncomfortable discontent that forces me to be moved and used. I guess that is my prayer... to not be content with where I am spiritualy and to become so disgusted that I want more. Or to have my eyes opened so much that I see that there is more, that the athes God has taken me own beofre were good but there is new one for me.

Anyways read the old ost. What i typed up top will make greater sense then. Dreams... I want new, impossible, only God can fill dreams.

**************************
Because God has a sense of drama... or humor... he has a knack for letting life play out the conversations you are having with a friend. Earlier this week i was texting back and forth with a friend of mine about some life stuff. Such as when God says no and the disappoint hurts... Well while I and this friend were texting I had the two little boys (age 3 and 2) with me. And at the time of the texting I and the oldest were having a bit of a struggle of wills... the whole time it was going on I was struck with the thought of how much my life and the conversation mirrored dean's actions. And below is the e-mail that came from the struggle.

*********
I had taken dean and elliot to the Indian burial mounds for a walk. We first stopped off at a smaller a set of mounds near the entrance of the park. After we went there I told the boys that I have another place that I wanted to take them. You see another part of the park was so cool and had an old lake that was slowly growing in with plants… there were cranes and other cool birds there. So we loaded up into the car and drove to the other side of the park. We got out of the car and started to walk up a set of stairs leading to the lake and other mounds. As we walked up the stairs we got to a point where we could continue to go up the mound or turn left and go down the mound to the lake. I started down the stairs towards the lake and called Dean to follow me.
“No Nnena. I want to go up the mound.”
“But Dean you have already been up a mound before I want to show you something new.”
“NO NNENA!”
“I don’t want to go there! You follow ME! YOU go where I am going!”
Really little boy? I am suppossed to follow you? Really? He was so frustrated and nothing I could tell him would get him to understand that I had another, cooler place to show him. And the place that he wanted to go was the same but I had something new, a new adventure.
“No dean we are going this way I want to show you something.” Dean started to pitch a fit.
“No I don’t want to. I don’t want to.”
“Dean follow me.”

And elliot and I started down the path heading to the water. The same water that dean earlier wanted to go to that had the cool birds and all sort of stuff. Dean reluctantly followed us. I had so much more for Dean to see… and Dean simply wanted to go up the mound. And not that it was wrong but there was so much more that I wanted him to see. I knew that it was cool around the lake and I wanted dean to see it. We would eventually go up the mound. And I even told Dean this… we will eventually go up the mound but just follow me, come see this, I promise we will go back.

So he followed. Dragging his heels. Actually he was almost a 100 yards behind me. And then elliot and I discovered a cool hole where snakes might have lived. (Looking back I am glad no snakes lived in the hole) And we started playing with it…. and dean slowly started following us. And then a huge white crane flew off and dean stood watching the bird.
“Look nnena look.”
“I see it dean.”
And then he came over to join us and played in the hole. And then we started walking around the lake the same lake that he would not come to earlier because he wanted to go up the mound.

And we started having all sort of adventures. Something was following us in the bushes…oh my goodness! :) And we went stomping about and gradually Dean forgot that he wanted to go up the mound. Finally it was time to start heading back.
“Ok dean do you want to climb up the mound. Yes? Ok let’s go.” And I let him race ahead of me and he climbed to the top of the mound while elliot and I followed. We got to the top and could see everything, the city, the lake we were walking around and it was wonderful and glorious and yeah great.

Dean didn’t trust me… but finally curiosity brought him to see what I was doing. And then he followed me. As everything was going on I started thinking in my head about our conversation… actually a lot of texts took place during the struggle between Dean and me. And I couldn’t help but see the similarities. Dean had what he wanted, a desire, but I wanted to show him something else something more. I guess that is where the faith is… do I really believe that you have something more for me God? Some thing better and good. Recently the idea that God has been tossing around this week is his sovereignty. Sara e-mailed me yesterday about how awesome and comforting it was that he is sovereign… and the thing we talked about that the God who loves us is sovereign and in control. And he is a loving Father who sees more than we see. That doesn’t stop us from being frustrated or hurt when he thwarts our desire… but do I believe him to still be good? And if I do what does that mean about the events surrounding me, the no’s that hurt. The people that reject… is that somehow good too?

The hardest thing about my walk has been trusting God with my heart… what if He disappoints me? I am always impressed with people who trust God and get hurt but at least try. At least you try…and I think there is faith in that.
**********************

It's good to be home

It never ceases to amuse me to hear my mother talk in slang. Today my mother was talking about how the French were talking trash to the Americans. I died laughing. My little Nigerian mother with her thick accent saying that someone is talking trash.

It's good to be home. Today the house was full of love and laughter. My cousin from Switzerland was in my bed when i got home this morning. Then this afternoon my sister invited a friend of hers who had two cute little boys. Oh they were so cute. And they filled the house with laughter and noise and shirks and banging and running around. And it was good. Then two other girls came over to the house this afternoon. The house was full and I love it. Coming home on the breaks always is good. Ori said it best, the house is going to be so quiet when everyone leaves. yeah it will be but that is ok. thanksgiving is coming and Christmas. And one day we will all start to have our own families and then the house will be too full. Naw there is no such thing.

Anyways just a few more days until the wee ones go back to college. Ubani and Uche are going back to school. Wow. I remember changing Uche's diaper... heck Ubani's too. And now they are grown responsible women taking over the world. Again it is good.

Well I am off to bed.

update

It's amazing what time with God and time alone will do for the spirits... well that and I made some deliberate choices... some more fun than others but some decisions that needed to be made.

God and I just had it out about the fact that it is and will always be Him first. Had it out might be a strong statement... let's just say I had to go "Ok God, I am miserable without You." There really was not a pressure but just an acknowledgment. And in that acknowledgment came peace.
Second I am going to take a vacation. I decided that no matter what happens with the job interviews at the *NBLSA fair I am making plans as if the interview is going to happen and take time off after the interview to rest and just be. I've heard so much about how awesome DC is that I am curious to check it out, I have a few friends from college, high school, law school, and church that live there. And then I am going to work my way up to NYC. Another city that I have not experienced that people I love rave about. Anslee and Heather live up in Brooklyn and I am curious to see it with my own eyes.

Third I am going to work on the word 'no' I started using it a little last semester but I need to use it more often. If I am honest with myself I find a lot of self worth in being 'needed'. Hum that's a problem because my self worth should be in Christ right?

You know what fascinates me? How we become less and less like ourselves the further we get from God. How egotistical and unbalanced we are in whatever we find our self worth in anything else. I'll explore that thought and the others from the list later. I have to get ready to catch a plane and cook dinner.

thank you for your prayers and messages. i needed them. love you
nen

*NBLSA
National Black Law Student Association: they hold fairs all over the country. At the end of the month they are holding one in DC. There are a mixture of firms from all over the country that will be there, including California. You have to be selected for an interview, so in some regards it is not a true fair (hopefully I will get chosen... especially since I need to get my plane tickets.). What I realize and understand is that my strength is in my personal presence. employers get a better feel of what I can add to their firm when they meet me verses looking at a resume. I am fully aware that it is God that gives me favor with people. He gave me favor with the last fair... I am praying and hoping for more favor. But we shall see. But I am hopeful and excited. I am ready to move on!

Tired and wanting to run away and a general whine of sorts

Disclaimer:
I am tired. So everything you read is a combination of several long months. Read at your own risk.

I really need to recharge and that still has not happened.

Today was a good day. A great day as a matter of fact. I had lunch with two people from one of the firms I had interviewed at last fall. I enjoyed them, I throughly enjoyed them. Plus I was given good advice, encouragement and a real helping hand. C and X were awesome! At the end of the day C encouraged me to stop and take a break and rest.

As she was telling me that I could feel the tears starting to well up. I need to rest. I really do. I want to rest. Every time I intend on resting something else comes up. I am tired of going. She sat there and recited for me everything that I have been doing for the past few years... and I had to agree with her...there really has not been much of a break. Yesterday I had a meeting with some other contacts and I was not up to my usual game. I was very aware of them and what they were thinking but I was too tired to push and get deeper. I came back home after meeting them and crashed. I was worn out...

So as I write this I am trying to find time to rest and recharge. Not job hunt, not take care of things at home, not chase after people in L but to really rest. My idea of a vacation is to be somewhere new but not HAVE to do anything. Not feel required to be something or do something. I am tired of being something, so very tired. And yes I am whining but if I hear another person tell me to my face about how much they are doing and acting like I am just sitting on my butt and try to guilt me into doing something they want me to do I will punch them in their face. Sorry I am feeling tired and violent.

That was the thing with C. She just stated i need rest and did not try to force her agenda into my time.

So nnena is not doing so well... and it doesn't help that my car was involved in an accident today. The sister is ok and it was not her fault... but it is just one more thing on the pile to take care of. i need a break. a real break.

ok i am starting to get sick of hearing myself whine. :)
Let's go do something about it!
Done!

P.S.
one thing this summer and year has taught me is the importance of having older women in your life. I can honestly say that the additions of C and Dell and Letoyia have been invaluable. I love my mother... and recently we have been getting closer and closer. I need her but I also need an older sister, Letoyia. And other older women cheering for me in my corner. Even though I just spent a chunk of time whining I have to say this. Between my mother, Letoyia, Dell I would be a bigger mess. Without C this afternoon I would not have been reminded again that
I need to recharge to be on the top of my game... I love the women that God is putting in my life. One day I want to give them back as much as they have given me.

So I am off to go get ice cream at my favorite place in SF. Um... bi rite... yum. And then go to bed and sleep. Maybe cry a little I think today is a good day to do that.

love you all. thanks for hanging on till the end
nen

List

ok so I have been terrible with the blog and returning calls (that comment is for you marianne). But here are the highlights of what I will blog about Friday evening... that is if i do not go dancing with one of my contact here. :)

1. Bar went well... I think
2. Looking for work like a mad woman
3. Oh there are wayyyyy too many characters in this city (oh the tales i could tell you, xak (zach) is right i smile too much and man does it get me in trouble)
4. You always miss (want) what you can't have x
5. I love the rugged beauty of California... I fell in love with it again today
6. I really can not live with out beauty
7. I miss a really good person a lot, more than I understood that I would. Stinking awesome people getting under your skin. I'm supposed to be spock right? hum... somehow that is not working.
8. I get to have lunch with some cool people this week!

Anyways none of that is in any particular order. i love you guys. I am going to bed now. I have a lunch that might turn into an interview tomorrow. Please be in prayer about that... that is part of the reason why I am going to bed early.

OH and btw... don't forget I am three hours behind you guys. So i will try my best to not call too late at night.

I feel it coming. The dam is going to burst at any moment. I had a good talk with Letoyia today. And though the talk was about some stuff going on in her life God spoke directly to my heart. I just got to get through tomorrow and I am going to isolate myself for part of Friday and wail and talk to God about a lot of stuff.

When I have had a chance to sort through it I'll catch y'all up.

But got to pass the bar first. :)

speaking of that Tuesday went well I think. Today was a little tougher, I am a little concerned but t is over and I am getting ready for tomorrow.

I love you guys

Got lots on my heart and mind... lots. Pray for God to developed Christian community for me here in SF. Pray that I will let God work on me tonight and the next few days. I ot lots to talk to Him about, to hash out.

So we start the bar today. I am nervous excited ready to get this started.

Be praying for for us.

Thanks

Black

So I woke up this morning loving being black. Typically that is a normal thing for me. I love looking at black women and seeing how beautiful we are. The color of our skin, to our nose, to the arch of our back, our black is a thing of beauty. Actually that is what fascinated me this morning my back. I love my back, I love the arch, I love that is how we are created that is so different from other races. And I was getting ready this morning I realized that if I had a daughter I would want her to experiance that too... I want her to experiance the beauty that is black.
Do you understand that our skin is the color of warmth? Gosh I could go on for hours. But I won't. I have to go study for the bar. :)

Anyways a truly random thought... sorry the only thing of substance in today's post is this. God was delibrate when He made us. There is beauty in all the different forms we came in. I love being brown... and I have lighter sisters who thrive in being whatever color they are. But we do not all look the same and I think that is wonderful--wonderful and creative. Why do we strive to be and look the same? He never intended that to happen.

With force

I’ve been praying terrible prayers about someone I care about. I started off praying for him lovely flowerily prayers. “God woo him, draw him in.” To "God take his life by force, shake everything he knows and destroy what he knows. Take him by force. Be like a terror on his heart. Pursue him and don’t let him go” God please don’t let him go.

I want much for this friend I want much. I want a life that is marked by the supernatural. That is more than what he is settling for. I pray that is life is unsettled until he comes to God. I pray that nothing gives him peace other than God I pray much.

But I pray those prayers for myself.

I will never forget the prayer for my favorite brother. God let him be miserable unless he is with you.

Tuesday I was running and I was thinking about that prayer and then started praying it for myself. But I guess against my will that prayer has become real.

God is not a simple idea, he is force that is relentless and will not let me go. He is kindness and gentleness and patience, oh so patience but a force that will not let me go.

I remember saying to God. “I am doing wrong. Why won’t you walk away from me? I would walk away from me.” but He didn’t He stayed… which made it worse, oh it made my struggle and sin worse because the guilt that he wouldn’t walk away kept nawing at me.

I remember this same friend asking me “why do you keep shoveling guilt…” And it is true, guilt is not the mark of Christianity. It is not the mark of grace or knowing you are forgiven… but it is the reality of a woman who knows she is cheating on her husband, it is the reality of someone who knows she is cheating on someone she loves. It is that knowledge that you are not only breaking your vows but you are affecting another person. Heck it is not even the vows part it is the honest to goodness knowing that you are being unfaithful to someone you love. There wouldn’t be the guilty if you didn’t love him.

I guess that is the one thing that I wish I could explain to him. If Christianity was fairy tales and rabbits then I would have never struggled with being with him. But God is not. He has never been that to me. God has always been real, present, touching me though I can’t see him. There in my heart in a way that I struggle to explain. Always who I talk to. A presence I feel and know. A personality and not just an idea. He is real and present… if it wasn’t for the fact that God is real to me then I would never have felt that I was cheating on him by being with this other person. Here’s the irony I would talk to Him about him… but never the other way around.

I woke up this morning thinking, praying, reading. I was reading blue like jazz… and I love his heart and the simplicity of what he writes. I have no idea if the stories are true or not but the ideas make me think. Ideas of the fact that there is no difference between me and the rapist, that there is nothing inherently good in me save Christ… good thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to be a force in people’s lives. I pray often to be light but I want more than that I want ot be a decision point for people. But for that to happen they have to be involved in my life in more than just the fun but in my very thoughts of God which is how is understand the world.

I want much out of life. I feel awake today. Awake in an eternal sort of way. Awake like I haven’t been in a while. Not content to just keep on living the status quo or to live in fear of others opinion but to love them more than that… to love them more than myself, to love them eternally.

Anyways those are the thoughts at 5 in the morning.

Good morning world.

Happy Father's Day

"It feels like the whole family is here" My sister Mary said that this morning... now mind you it has been the whole nuclear family in the house for the past two weeks. But this morning we woke up to the sounds of my baby sister's two best friends. Erica and Krystal.... and it is true. They are like the other part of our family.

That is one thing that I love about my family... the extras who become part of my family. My 'play' brothers have become my sisters' brother as well. D and Tony are as much my friend and brother as they are the families. It was so funny last night Tony was bragging about my fam (mainly my sisters) as if they were his very own. He is so proud of them. And I know that my sisters love them too.

It is good to be home right now. Weird because I will be saying goodbye but oh so good. Last night I drove home from Tony and Mel's house (yes my brother is married!!!!) and it was so good. I will miss them. But hopefully they will start moving to the west coast and so I will see them soon. But it is the little things that make home home. It is the crazienss of my house. Grown women chasing each other around the house wrestling, laughing, teasing, fighting, being friends. It's the sheer noise that a family of seven, plus additions, bring. It is having cousins all over the place and play sisters and brothers that my parents consider their own. Um it is good it is good. I think that I will have to have a large family... and in my version of family that includes all my husbands friends and their extras and my kids friends and their extras... and me and my extras. That is how my family does family... that is how I will do it.

Anyways Happy Father's day. I am about to go spend it with my family and our extras. yes the two friends are spending the day with us. It is rather appropriate for us.

in spite of me

Life happens in spite of bar review.

I called a friend of mine at school today to wish her a happy birthday. I asked her if she was taking today off. And she said she was going to but her sister in law died yesterday so she was just going to do work and watch a little t.v.

Wow life happens in spite of ourselves.

It’s funny how you get wrapped up into this little world of being self protective because you have to pass the bar and life still happens.

Another friend gave birth before bar study… and she is in classes with us studying away because she has to pass just like the rest of us.

It just hit me her sister’s death. Wow. Like that life passes away.

It’s the normalcy of routine that makes us push through

As I was driving into school today I was thinking about someone I knew. Everything had to be special and I was thinking about how things are special because they are a contrast against the ordinary the mundane. And I am not saying by any stretch of the imagination to settle down for a normal life (I wouldn’t be me if I said that) but there is a comfort in the mundane that allows us to get through to the next great or horrific thing.

Random thoughts when I should be doing my PMBR questions.

Wow like that life passes away. So was it worth it… what you were doing?

Good questions to ask myself as I move on to the next great thing… is everything I am doing worth it.

And maybe that is wht my friend is getting at, that if it is not worth it it is not worth doing… so only do what matters, what moves you…maybe that is what he meant maybe.

Here’s to doing what matters

Cheers

Naked and Clothed

‘I don’t think God is going to let stupid things like us screw up someone’s eternity.’ Jaime.

Rejoice, rejoice, because He will cover you and me. Rejoice He knew we were naked before we knew we were and he covered us with his blood, with his body. Rejoice, rejoice your savior is here, he who loved you, knew you were needy. He bought food when you did not know you were hungry, he provided water when you did not know how to satisfy your thirst. Rejoice, rejoice in your brokenness because he will make you whole.

I don’t and can’t regret the things that God has brought me in life. I remember a saying from Job… shall I only take the good from God? Except change that to being everything as being good… the easy, the hard, the confusing because in the end it all works for this greater good that I might not ever see but I oh so believe is there.


It’s been a interesting time, a good time. I debated how I was going to start this blog post but I guess I will just dive in and use today to highlight what is going on in my head and heart.

Last week I read through the beginning of Ethics… and again there was a discussion on being naked and the knowledge of good and evil. And that in the knowledge of good and evil we become (just like they, adam and eve became aware) of being naked and we, they hid, from God. Funny he always knew we were naked but there becomes this awareness of our nakedness when we stare at what we consider good or evil… rather than staring at Him. And the thought that has been rolling around my head is that we need his covering. We need his covering of righteousness, of rightness that we know we so desperately need. We need to know he doesn’t see our nakedness… I need to know he doesn’t see that but something else…

This semester I have been growing in an awareness of my need of grace. That I too need God’s covering and I too am a sinner. Oh and by the way I was a sinner way before I ever realized it, way before I knew I was naked and He still covered me. It’s just that now I am aware of how broken and needy I am.

Last night doug and I had a good talk. About God and life and some other things that were going on… and somewhere in the middle of our talk he challenged me to apply my belief in the sovereignty of God to everything, including my heart and everything connected with it. It was a good talk, conversation… one that started putting my heart back in beat with God.

The next morning I woke up and couldn’t make myself get moving for church. I sent a message to Jaime saying if you want to come to church text me. thank you Jesus for making me send that message because then I don’t think I would have gone and I needed to be there this morning to think. Jaime texted me back. I picked her up and we headed to Grace.

So we went to Grace and Bob (pastor) was speaking. And he starts off talking about who America’s greatest educator… say it with me commercials. And then he goes into a list of things that we learn from commercials.

‘All problems can be resolved. All loose ends can be taken care of. You learn how to fix problems and we preach the gospel like that… oh and by the way all problems are resolved quickly.

The world is not like that and I want it to be. I want it to be for me and I want it to be the case with stuff with me and ‘the boy’. Right before I got off the phone with Doug I commented “I worry that I have screwed up the gospel for him (the boy) and the people around him.” Doug said to me “Let him go, you are not letting him go because you are trying to fix it. Nnena he’s not your problem to fix… you can’t… you are not the one” “Doug that is not my only motive for being here.” “But it is one of the factors keeping you there”

And he is right. My motive for not doing so much in my life is that the gospel is so much bigger than my wants… and I don’t want to get in the way of the gospel for someone else. But with him I wanted, selfishly, him more than I wanted the gospel for him. That’s not love… that’s not caring about him more than my self. And I continued to torture myself with the fact that I had been selfish and what had I done? Did I create too much damage? Can God redeem what I had done?

As Bob was talking I started journaling… Where is my theology? If You are sovereign God if I believe it I have to believe to believe that you will fix it and even if you don’t there is a reason for it and it is good. All things work for the good. I’m letting him go. The consequences for obedience are not up to me, there will be consequences for my disobedience but I am letting go. The gospel is so much bigger than my screw ups. Walk in freedom Nnena walk in the knowledge that He is sovereign. Walk in the knowledge that you can not mess up His will.

I can’t fix it but I can trust You with him and I will trust You with him.

The scariest thing is that there might always be loose ends but that is for You to handle. I am not out of Your reach or control. He is not out of your reach. You have the power to make my screw ups beautiful and whole. But I can’t do it. I can’t make it right but you can and I need you to do it. I need You to make my mess beautiful.

Bob finished talking and started preparing the elements for the Lord’s Supper and I picked up my journal and started writing again

The gospel is for those that don’t deserve it who never deserved it and never will and live in that knowledge. I come helpless broken and needy wanting to be made whole. I need your broken body to make me whole. Make me aware of your covering. I am naked and aware of my nakedness. You always knew I was naked but then I became aware of my sin. Will you cloth me?

And I got up and took the elements. Bob “Nnena this is Christ’s body broken for you.” David looked at me and said “This is Christ’s blood spilt for you Nnena”
Indeed it was and it is good.


Circle of Error Lyrics

little things

It's the little things that make me feel normal. It's having people in my house laughing and eating and making my home feel full. It is having random conversations with people about house church and traditional church. It is screaming into the mic "No More Scrubs" :) You never know how much you have not been yourself until you are back to normal. This weekend and on ward have been good for my soul. Tuesday I was talking with an old friend of mine about how I have not sat and thought in a long time and I have to. I got a chance to do that this weekend. I got a chance to think good thoughts or at least place my brain in the range of good thoughts. My goal is to slow down and think... I am not at peace if I am not thinking through ideas...
It should be a good couple of weeks.

Had a good Morning with God.
I woke up talking to Him and i asked Him to teach me how to pray. It's like I am starting over... instead of me trying to dominate and control the conversation (prayer) I want to learn how to wait and listen.

What does He want and not do I think He wants from me. Again it is like starting over... and I like it.

Have you ever?

Have you ever just totally blown it, gotten up and felt free? I feel free... incredibly free. Free to screw up and try again, free knowing that it was never my power that made me 'holy', free because there is grace. Free because... I don't have to be a super-Christian to still be of use to God. Yeah free. Kind of smiling right now... a huge kool-aid(the ghetto variety). I am serious I really really really will post a little flavor of life later on. Seriously.
Life is good.

Grace and Love

So my roommates and tony's grace and love gave me the strength to do what I didn't want to do but needed to do. Who knew that grace was so much more powerful than my guilt. What i could not do in all of the self hatred of myself their love and grace did.

When I initally started thinking about this blog the events of this evening had not yet happened. And this blog is a little too real. And unfortunately I will have to write more later...

But I will write more later.


Here's a bit of honesty for you. I know I did the right thing but I can't help but look back and second guess myself. I keep asking myself am I sure? Are you sure Nnena? And I'm sure but that is cold comfort right now.

Shout out

I am giving a shout out to Sweet Caroline whose wisdom and accountabilty is standing me in good stead.
Girl you rock!

Moments like these

I live for moments like last night. Yesterday a bunch of us were hanging out at place here in town. A classmate and I got into a discussion about faith. He brought it up. He started talking about where he wants to be in life and the things he has to figure out. The conversation shifted to shifted to the fact that his family are Christians. However he just can’t believe just because they do. His faith has to make sense to him and be his own. And then he started talking about how he has conversations with different friends of his and how they tell him the Bible is just metaphors but he can’t accept that. So he is on a journey to understand the bible and Jesus and wants to apply the learning we have done here in law school to his understanding of the bible. He believes that you don’t have to divorce your intellect in the search of God and somehow that once you get deep enough you have no choice but to believe as a child.

It was a good conversation a good conversation. Oh I live for moments like that. I was fairly humming inside at the end of it. That is what I live for that is why I am here--to provide a sounding board for people in their search of God. Everyone is searching. Only some are more aware of the search than others.

Anyways freaking awesome, huh? :)

Good Morning America! I had a fabulous time with God this morning and a moment of necessary clarity with one of my girl friends yesterday. Hopefully that will translate into some good thoughts later on today. I plan on chilling with God this afternoon and thinking and praying. And I am more than a little excited about that.

I am hungry to smell of Christ.

I was looking through old posts and yeah... I am hungry

the good in something

It’s funny. Yesterday morning I was thinking that there is good and redemption in everything. And then yesterday evening I got a chance to see it… a little. A friend of mine had a little too much to drink and she started leaning on me going. “I just don’t know where the boundary is.” And I look at her and go “I understand. I know the boundary and yet I keep on crossing it. If you don’t believe me ask the guy behind me.” and she goes “thank you. from my heart to yours.”

I have never understood the passage in Romans 7 like I do now. ‘The thing I want to do I do not do… the willing is present in me but the doing of good is not.’ This morning I lay in bed talking to God. “God I can’t do it. I keep on trying but I can’t. Will you break things for me? Will you be my strength.” I think I live my life in a lot of in my own strength. I have never needed God to do right, maybe to change my attitude but not to do the ‘right’ thing. That is why the fact that I am not doing what at core I know is right is bothering me. Because, gosh durn it, I should be strong enough. And gosh durn it I am not because my heart is involved. ‘Guard your heart because it is the well spring of life…’

What is the good in this? Humility? Maybe? Compassion and empathy for other? Yeah? Something unknown… yeah… something not seen yet

But this I know, we will move past this. And I will grow, be different, stronger but stronger in that ‘I depend on God for everything sort of way.’ There is something greater and more that will happen. I see the greatness around the corner and I am ready to head there.

because

Because i wanted to get this thought out before i forget. Last night at B-Study we talked about how Christ was fully man (and fully God) and he is the example of and the height what man should be. So add the fact that we are going through Hebrews chapter 2 and you can only begin to guess the good God stuff that came out. Anyways I need to go back to becoming a law student. More more will come.

By faith not works

I am in the midst of a journey to find out who am I really. I am realizing that a lot of ‘who’ I thought I was was wrapped up in the negative. I defined myself by what I didn’t do. I defined myself by the fact that I don’t get drunk, don’t make major mistakes etc. A couple weeks ago I kissed a friend and everything that I thought I was and who I was changed. I became that girl that I look down on. Who am I? I would love to say that I am defined by who Christ has made me to be, and I am, except that is not how I would have defined myself.

So I am in the process of learning who God knows I am. I have a feeling it is a lot better and a lot more wonderful than what I think I am. And I think that there will be freedom like I have never known in that. And maybe I will find my worth in Him and not in what I do.

Anyways I am looking forward to it.

Learning

Today, this week, this year I am learning a lot about grace, God,community, and what i truly believe about all those things. As you can tell from the last few posts i had been struggling. And when I fell something in my thought process went "well i can't come to God. I don't deserve community..." because i deliberately chose wrong instead of caring about my friend... I think i am done beating myself up about it... and i hope i have taken responsibility for my actions but it is amazing how much legalism is in me.

Somewhere inside of me i guess i thought i could not be honest with people when i screwed up.

I need community

So your stuff stinks

Get ready... got a lot of thoughts running through my mind right now... i remember a while ago a friend teasing me by saying "You act like your poop doesn't stink." Well I am smelling it and I thinking through what I smell. Let me get through my mid term and a benefit concert...

The love motivation

Living your life by a set of rules will not keep you from doing anything. But living by love will.
I just realized the truth of that statement this week. At some point you get to a place where you don't want to follow the rules... and what will guide you? Love. I understand now why the greatest commandment is love your God and love your neighbor... because only love will make you do the right thing.

I am definitely in a place where I need love to motive me. My endless rules for behavior for me and for everyone else do not hold any water. It just does not work but love, love will.

Anyways thought I would share that thought from one human to another.

little smiles

So Dean and I were having lunch and he askes me "When are you going to have a baby Nnena?"
I looked at him and went "well Dean I have not found someone that I love to marry."
"You know what Nnena?"
"What Dean?"
"I think you are going to marry me."
"Really." And i sat and thought and then it occured to me.
"Is it because I love you?"
"Yup."

Sigh. i love children, they make your heart smile

On this wonderful Tuesday

On this wonderful Tuesday I feel free to be me. I had a good conversation with Darrell, one of my classmates, that continued to put in perspective life for me. Doors open and close for very specific reasons and sometimes you get to see the reason and sometimes you don't. Today I was allowed to see the reason why and I thank God.

I don't know why I doubt God. I don't know why I don't trust the Spirit inside me. But there are days when I go 'Thank you God for the no.' 'Thank you God for not giving me what I want with my myopic vision.'

I feel free to move and be who I am created to be.

Thank you Father

dance

Sometimes you have to do things to prove you are alive.
I have those moments when life’s little disappointments get to me. Last night I had a little disappointment… the answer was a no for the job I interviewed with. And it bothered me because I allowed myself to like to people. But you know… yeah...
Anyways, I e-mailed a friend and asked him if he wanted to make a waffle house run with me. 7 hours later, one waffle house run, a trip to Atlanta to eat tacos at an all night Mexican joint and a dance in the school parking lot I am back home. I have to grasp at life. I think that is why I feel the need to touch the people. I like to know that they are there and we are alive and everything is ok. I needed that dance tonight, I just did. I needed to hear the music and move and touch another human being.

one of those days

You ever have one of those days where you are fighting to do right. Fighting to not have a double life and wondering if you are losing. Well I am having one of those days. I would love, covet prayers that I make the right decisions.
Thanks

catch up

I have had so many thoughts running through my head recently... but I won't get into any of those.
So for those of you who were wondering how my callback went... well I fell for the people that work there. Which worries me to an extent because now there is a personal investment, the sort where i care maybe a little too much. I really really like them... I like the way they think, who they are and their personalities...so here comes the waiting game... am I going to tell you what company? Nope. You will have to e-mail me to find that out. :) But I really really like the people. And I think they liked me too. So we shall see, we shall see.

In other news I am reading through Luke... and it has been good. Oh so good. I am getting a chance to look at how Jesus lived his life. I tend to rush through Luke and the rest of the gospels reading what he said... but what he did is just as important... and what i have been reading has been challanging to my soul. Challanging in a way that has a direct pay off. Remind me later on to explain what the pay off is.

Well I must go... I leave tomorrow

It is funny, the thought that has run through my mind has been this "Is this really my life. Is God really letting me get a chance to live this life." And He has. And it has been too good. Knowing that there are people that see eye to eye with me on so many things is amazing, from race to litigation, to life in general. And getting a chance to interview with them... it's not fair that i got this chance. why me? But again I don't ask the whys and instead I just thank God

real brief

I have had so many thoughts running through my head recently... but I won't get into any of those.

So for those of you who were wondering how my callback went... well I fell for the people that work there. Which worries me to an extent because now there is a personal investment, the sort where i care maybe a little too much. I really really like them... I like the way they think, who they are and their personalities...so here comes the waiting game... am I going to tell you what company? Nope. You will have to e-mail me to find that out. :) But I really really like the people. And I think they liked me too. So we shall see, we shall see.

In other news I am reading through Luke... and it has been good. Oh so good. I am getting a chance to look at how Jesus lived his life. I tend to rush through Luke and the rest of the gospels reading what he said... but what he did is just as important... and what i have been reading has been challenging to my soul. Challenging in a way that has a direct pay off. Remind me later on to explain what the pay off is.

Well I must go... I leave tomorrow

It is funny, the thought that has run through my mind has been this "Is this really my life. Is God really letting me get a chance to live this life." And He has. And it has been too good. Knowing that there are people that see eye t eye with me on so many things is amazing, from race to litigation, to life in general. And getting a chance to interview with them... it's not fair that i got this chance. why me? But again I don't ask the whys and instead I just thank God

Movement

Movement
It's time to move and stop sitting so still. Today there is a stirring inside of me to start moving towards the future. This break has been an amazing one. The first week was hard and broke me... but it was oh so good. Good in the way only God can be good. It was a break that healed and hopfully will be healing for other people. i hope and pray that I will get a chance this week to share with y'all all that God is teaching me.

till then
moving forward

more than prudent

Life is good and sad and good.

Just said good bye to a friend I love more than what is prudent. I will miss him… coming home to Atlanta will be different. A little bit of the flavor of Atlanta has gone out with his leaving. It’s funny, you get used to a person being physically around. But he will do great things. I know that about God and I know that about how God has been using him… plus there are planes that have been known to travel half way across the world. :)

I love my brother and I am blessed for knowing him. Even though he is a stinker at times. :)

God Speed D

Cele-brate!

Um there are tons of good things going on in the lives of the people I love.
1. Marianne had her baby!!!!!
2. Kacey is engaged!!!!!
3. Laura is having a baby!
4. Tony is engaged!!!!!!!
5. Brooke is Engaged!!!!!!

Thank you God for such a good year.

Tony

Sometimes someone so fills your heart and so speaks life and truth and love into your heart you have to tell the world. Last night I did not know the depth of needing to talk to my old friend. He spoke words of life that went straight to where I was hurting and healed me. And he reminded me of old dreams and gave me value. I don't know if I will ever be able to give back to Tony what he has given to me. God is His sovereignty allowed me to meet him and kept him in my Life. And because God loves so well He placed Tony to speak words of love for me when I need it. And again, as is often the case, he adds balance to me.
God is a good God who knows and sees your heart and is not oblivious to your hurts or the things that confuse you... God is good.

Prayer

Hey guys
I would love some prayer. It has been a rough week and I am struggling. Pray for good thoughts and to get through this weekend.
Thank you!

Warning, these are thoughts running around in my head, nothing deep, just thankful and looking back. You might want to skip this blog... but i am happy i hope you are too.
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It's the little thing that matter, like Haley grabbing my leg and hugging me over and over again before she left the grown people's party. It's Dean touching my skin going i wish i had skin like yours. It laughing with Clif over silly stuff. It's playing mommy for a day and realizing that I like it.

Life is beautiful and full right now. Life is full in a good sort of way—filled with people and life and living—filled with laughter and tears and thinking. I don't know why I was so blessed to have the life I do. I just accept the blessing, say thank you God, and continue to enjoy it.

Finals start for us in a week and this evening we celebrated the engagement of Tara and Adam. I remember before they started dating she was so unsure if he thought of her as a dating prospect or what. I remember her saying "I've never dated anyone as perfect as him." Little did she know that Adam, military Adam cared about the little people...and oh when he got her a ring, he made sure it wasn't a blood diamond. :) So their engagement party was a celebration and just a time to talk and catch up with each other.

Today as I was driving around I remembered wondering who was going to be the person of peace in that particular group (polo group). I remember praying for them going, "God send someone into the polo group... God I know there is someone who can relate with them..." little did I know that maybe my calling was to be a person of peace with them. We are so different in some ways but alike in others. I have a lot to learn from the girls about having girl friends. They have an amazingly close knit group of women and they are just as happy going out as hanging with the girls playing trivial pursuit. I like them. I like them a lot and there are others I simply love. It's funny how God will change things around...

Courtenay today said a statement that seems to be an echo from Sunday evening. God has a plan that is not what you have planned. And it is true. DL said the same thing to me on Sunday. I try so hard to plan my future and place the people and things in my life the way I think they should be... and constantly God turns it around.

I would not change Macon for GA State for anything. I would not trade my experiences and adventures for anything. I was placed in an incredibly nuturing environment with people that love me and love me well. Mercer is my school filled with my people who have become my family.

Anyways i was being sentimental in my thinking... life is good.

old post

Opps so i didn't post this when i thought i did. :)

There are moments that remind me of how good my life is. And the moments are not anything big... but they are the e-mails that brighten your day. Or knowing that someone will miss you and you will miss them. I was talking with one of my girls today about leaving... and she got a little teary and I got a little teary too... Can I say for the record that my girls here in Macon have been one of the biggest gifts. I try not to think about leaving them because the thought makes me want to cry. But how great is it to have loved enough to cry...

Sunday I sent my brother off into the artic north... and today when i saw a car like his i cried a little just a little. Yo have someone you love enough to cry when they are not there is a great gift. a wonderful gift from Father. A wonderful gift

What is she smoking?

I must be the most cracked out Christian I know. I woke up this morning with a thread of joy after being told no the night before. You remember the person I was curious about? Well turns out I he is seeing someone. And that hurt my pride a little (I wondered if my ability to read people was broken) and I went to bed. And I woke up this morning so full of joy and light… a distinct sense of excitement at what God is going to do next.

But maybe I woke up joyful because of other stuff from the night before, such as the fact that my girls study was whole again. And there is healing going on between the girls. Oh I thought my heart would explode when I saw B.O. embrace J. Thank you God for reconciliation and for growing my girls up.

Maybe because two nighst before BO and I talked… and prayed together and our relationship was restored. Maybe that is why I woke up with the thread of joy. Or maybe it is the fact that there is nothing holding me here and there is a freedom to go? Maybe… but full of joy I am and I don’t want to shake it.

If this is crack, smoke on, smoke on.

and when the random thoughts could not get more random

So last weekend we got into this discussion of the 'self'. And how until modern times there was not a concept of self. There was almost a lack of awareness of self. And we talked about how here in America we are so focused on me, I the self... and are we miserable because of it.

When I read my friends blog and I think about my own life I am miserable when I focus on self. We keep looking for this balance between 'loving myself' and not being consumed by self, and knowing thy self... is that the right focus? And honestly no one seems to be happy... no one seems to have hit on the right balance. Those who 'love' their selves seem no happier than those who hate self. But when we lose ourselves for something greater life has more meaning. Why else would people die of their country or other people because there is something greater and richer than living life for just me. Somewhere inside of us we are tuned to truly be happy when we are not the center of our worlds.

Yesterday in Bible study we started talking about community (in relation to our sin being communal not just individual). And Janeen brought up the point that community is so much bigger than just our group of people, or our nation, that maybe the community is the whole world (when you take it to the logical end). And we talked about that when we are focused on the good of the community serving one and other naturally 'we' are taken care of because we are all focused on our actions being for the good of the community and other people act based on how it will effect us. Hum it reminds me of so many things... 'look out not only for your own interest." "they will know you are mine by the love you have for one and another". The list goes on and on.

I used to fight against my parents and their worry and concern of the community. "Nnena don't you know that the other kids are looking up to you." "Don't you know your sisters will follow you in what you do?" And I used to fight against it, let me be my own person, let me do what I want, stop stiflingly me. They were trying to engrain in me this idea that my actions affect others, so act carefully knowing that other are watching.

Anyways more random thoughts. Just thinking out loud. :)

a little naked and unashamed

Before we go any further let me go out and lay this on the table. People talk about not over spiritualizing stuff… and I think I understand that. But my faith is not in a sterile bubble. The things I learn about God I learn from living life and screwing up. So accordingly I learn about God through struggles with the people I love, disappointment and guy stuff.

While I am at let me go ahead and get this also out of the way… I believe that God still speaks. You know let’s just put all the uncomfortable stuff that Christian don’t like to talk about on the table.

Boy stuff
It’s been quite a few days… filled with a jumble of things. I’ll go ahead and talk about the thing I typically avoid talking about on my blog… guy stuff. I know, I know… for those of you from Houston you are probably astonished, “She thinks about boys?!” Yeah I do, kind of attracted to them, go figure. And today’s sermon, or talk, by Bob today was a good ‘come to Jesus’ moment for me. Long story short, Bob spoke about Abram and Sari’s journey to Egypt. He highlighted the fact that they left the Promised Land to go in search of a place where they would be fed. You see there was a drought and they needed food…. Anyways before they got to Egypt Abrah was afraid that when they say how beautiful his wife was they would kill him and take her… so he devised a plan. Anywas let me get to the root of this whole discussion. We started talking about lack of faith leading to sin (yes I know lack of faith is sin by itself but just hold on let me finish)… and how the sin effects everyone. And how in trying to save himself her brought destruction on other people and made others sin (adultery). In trying to save himself, become his own salvation instead of trusting that God would save him he tried to create his own way out, both from the famine and also from being killed by the Pharoh.

That struck a rather recent cord inside of me. For those of you who do not know I try so hard to control my emotions. I try so hard to predict what the future is going to be and then guide my heart towards it.

A long time ago, maybe a decade ago, I remember talking to God about guy stuff and wondering what about this dude and … He just stopped me and it was as if He was laughing and saying “What I will do will surprise you and be better than anything you can imagine.” It was weird like a soft gentle amusement and a knowledge that he was going to surprise me… I can’t explain it more than that.

So you would think that I would live the comfort of his promise right? No I don’t, what I do instead is go “God what about this guy.” And I travel down to Egypt to make my own salvation. And I present to Him a guy, willing Him to make this guy be the one. No Nnena not that one or the others you have brought me. And after the fact I am glad nothing happens and that they are not the one… because somehow my myopic vision (stole that straight from Brit) will not let me see the things about them that make ‘us’ so unsuitable.

I can’t see into the heart of a man… heck I can’t see into my own heart… but I’ve got to stop presenting guys to God and going, “Well what about this one.”

God I want to stop wondering and live in the moment of… and maybe the guy that I am curious about currently is the one… or maybe he is someone that should become a friend and nothing more. but I need to let God make that determination instead of myself. I like to slot people into where I think they belong. Why don’t I let God be the one who slots it?

So I am so desperately going to let God be the one who slots it. To answer the question, yes there is/was someone I was curious about… but I am not going to stress about it. you know I would like to become friends with him first and yeah… whatever God wills. J


Struggles with people I love… at least I think I still love her.

What am I going to do about B.O.? I am not talking about Body Oder but one of my girls…

Anyways God gave me a real good physical understanding of where He wants me to be next and it directly relates to her and also to my practice (law).

So Thursday I had my trial. We put our heart and souls into it… and busted our hearts. Anushka, my co-counsel, was amazing, absolutely amazing. And my heart was crushed when the jury returned a verdict for the other side. All evening long I thought about what could I have done differently, what happened… did we not connect? I just did not get it. The next morning I woke up thinking about it still. And I went over what the jury said to us afterward, too long, get to the point, aggressive (Anushka, they though 95 pound 5’1’’ Anushka was too aggressive when she leaned against the bench. Really? Whatever), but the thing that finally clicked was this fact. We never connected with our jury. We were trying out case to the judge, our peers out teacher, but at no point were we trying out case to them. We didn’t show them the evidence or explain the case to them… the jury was just incidental.

Well fast forward to Saturday morning… and I was laying in my bed mentally gripping about BO. I was thinking of all the different ways to make her understand how wrong she was… and then it hit me… again I am trying my case to the wrong person…I am trying to make her see how the things she is doing is sinful and xyz and I am trying to convince her… rather than loving her and talking to her out of obedience to Christ. Is that still murky? Let me explain the connection between the two. Who am I living my life for, not just whose approval but who am I living out my life for? Whose approval and joy am I living for? And it became apparent to me that I am living my life for the wrong audience. Am I living to impress this person, appear holy, make this person see their sin because that is what I am supposed to do… or am I doing the things I do because God calls me and tells me and guides me and oh by the way it is honoring and glorifying to him. I am not sure if this is making sense at all.

So where does that put me… confused and not sure what the next step is to living my life for the right audience.

Anyways there is a little of what is going on in my world. I’ll keep to y’all updated but finals are quickly approaching. So we shall see how quickly y’all are updated. :)

Till then
nen

Cleaning

Sometimes you need a strong doing of the word to cleanse your palette

blog about Boystown

here is the blog to boystown

http://www.boystownreynosa.blogspot.com/

enjoy!

Boystown

Well I received the e-mail below from Don... a friend of mine from school about a mission's trip to BoysTown. Boystown is an area where there is a bit of prositution along with other things... meaning this trip is up my alley.

Read the e-mail from Don and then read the rest of the blog

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I spoke with Kelly today about the trip. I don't have a ton of new information, but maybe a little. It sounds like what we would be doing is somewhat similar to what we did when I was down there. First of all, I think it may be a pretty fluid situation, meaning what we are doing might change. Actually I expect that. Some things that will likely happen for sure are time in the prayer room, a little gardening in boystown (they planted a garden in the area around a group of the girls living area), clearing the property that Kelly bought (she has property near boystown and eventually will live there and have spaces for missionaries to stay - currently the foundation is about to be poured...the land is extremely overgrown, so we would clear out the brush), maybe small construction stuff on the property, playing with the kids on the street (they like soccer and music), etc. She said all we really needed to bring was work gloves and a good robot dance. If you didn't know this, Kelly is quite the fan of the robot, and I'm quite the robot dancer. This is a requirement of all participants.

Nnena, you may not know this, but you are going. There are no excuses for not going. It's the 5-12 of January, and you have nothing going on. It's $500 (hopefully) but maybe $600. Take out more bar loans, play the lottery, sell your time to a 1L, but MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Give me a call or e-mail if you have questions. Nenna, I'm excited that you are going. I know Terry and Leslie share my enthusiasm.

Don
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So here is where I am at... am I going to pray, talk with my fam... and see if i should be going... i want to go. You know that I have been feeling the urge to go before I start working for a while... And here is the crazy thing I am going to throw out to y'all... if God so moves you to help get me over there... first off pray that i will be wise and then see if you want to help me financially. I will be honest with you the bar has taken quite a bit of my money and if I am going to go... people will have to help me get over there. So I am unashamedly asking y'all to help if you so see fit. But again first pray, think about it... and if you feel the urge... um help me with the crazy last min scheme... it could be exciting... The next thing you know i will be asking y'all to help me get to Turkey... but that is for later.

love you all

If you are so moved
940 Walnut Street Apt A
Macon, GA 31201

Thank you!!!!!!!!
nen

life is too good

I don’t even know where to begin with the lessons I am learning

1. Not to live my life to someone elses standards other than God. (i.e. stop living to please people)
2. Pursuing peace is not easy, especially when you literally have to chase the person down
3. There are clichés in the Christian walk, such as the tortured Christian. Where’s the joy dude
4. Space to think is nice
5. Laugh, laugh always laugh often… because life is too short to take yourself too seriously. Take God seriously.

I don’t want to lie to y’all and tell you that I will get to all these topics. It has been (ok everyone say this with me) an amazing past couple of weeks. Filled (again say it with me) amazing God stuff! Oh so amazing. I have no idea what the future holds and I have a feeling I am going to trip up on the way, maybe even make a fool of myself… But you know what I do not care because it means there is growth.

Anyways off to go nap and then do work

Naked and unashamed

Warning I am still processing these thoughts… but I wanted to get them out.

So last night I went to the book store chill out unwind and think. I found myself picking up two books. One was Bonhoeffer’s Ethics…

So I opened the book and started reading and Bonheffer got into a discussion about knowledge of good and evil and man's sense of shame. Anyways it would take too long to get into all that but let me toss at you the line that got me thinking.

“Instead of seeing God man sees himself. (Their eyes were opened’ Gen 3.7) He perceives that he is naked.”
This started a train of thought that I’ll just rip from my journal… remember what I said I am still processing this through.

It is funny. The first thing that struck me was the faith issue and I was reminded of Moses.
Instead of seeing God he saw his short comings and nakedness. God told him who He (God) was… and Chapter 4 is Moses seeing who he (moses) is.
God it rings true in my life and then what about Abraham when he sacrificed his son “he considered that God is able to raise people even from the dead...” His focus was not on himself but God… where is my focus. Do I look at myself and not God?

Is that what at core is wrong with us? We see ourselves and not God? We define our own version of good/right/righteous. We kill/hurt/evil motives/ our pride/ our sin/ our lack of belief and faith in God is because we see ourselves and not God? Think/what about Isaiah upon seeing God he ‘saw’ his own sin and the sin of the people. He was aware of his own sin and his people, heck really his sin. He had just reamed Israel about their own sin, he knew their sin but not his own and then he saw God.

“In the year of King Uzziah’s death I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, lofty and exalted, with the train of his robe filling the temple. Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings; with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called out to another and said. “Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts, the whole earth is full of His glory… Then I said,

“Woe is me for I am ruined because I am a man of unclean lips.”

(Lips that praised God, lips that told of destruction—how must he have felt when he realized those lips were unclean?)

“For my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of Host.”
And the burning coal touched his lips (like so many hard things that burn me) and cleaned his lips and iniquity, and his sin was forgiven

I rail against the pain and fight it while all the time embracing it. I know instinctively that it cleanses me, makes me holy, and at times I chase that to make me righteous and keep me righteous but again I am looking at that rather than God?
So how do I keep my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith?

That is next for me to figure out… to play with and explore. Again I feel on the brink of more change, change that is necessary that will make me like Him and give me kingdom vision. I see the sin in my life and the short comings so easily but do I see Him? Is that why I feel the short comings or have I made up my own law of right and wrong and I am using that to define what is good evil and what I should be?

I am looking forward to the cleansing.

I pray you are cleansed as well. :)

WWXD

So yesterday I realized I have a lot to learn from Xak. I'll write more on this topic later...

What does it look like to put someone else's walk with God above your own desires? That is the thought God and I were wrestling with in the grocery store. I want one outcome but is that the best for their walk? Probably not... Recently I have gotten a little riled up about some situations in my friends' lives and the lives of others. And in a very judgmental manner I had dismissed some of the guys in the situations as being centered on themselves and not caring about the girls as a sister in Christ. But I had to stop and think in the grocery store "Am I doing the same thing?" That was a sort of humbling and hard hitting realization. Christ affects everything in your life—even the area of male and female relationships. No longer is it just about you and this person but it is about this person and God. Are you a help or a hindrance to their relationship with God. And do you even care about that or do you only care about getting your own needs met. (whatever those needs might be)

Anyways those are the thoughts from the produce aisle.

Ramble

Warning this is a giddy, floating, loving life sort of blog. It might just drive some of you crazy.


It’s no secret that I love kids. I do. Some of my best times in life are connected to them.

But this morning in church was just sweet. I got a chance to hold Charlottes baby during church. Just to give you a little bit of context, Grace is a church plant in Macon and we meet in a coffee house. And today I decided to sit in the back in some of the fluffy big chairs. Charlotte was sitting next to me with her baby. After letting the baby observe me for a while I asked if I could hold her. we were just curled up in the couch, she and I. she was sitting in my lap or at times standing with me singing, or sitting and singing. It was funny she would try to move her mouth and form words while we were singing as if she could sing too. I loved her grabbing my face or trying to eat my fingers. But again the sweetest time was just when she was cradled in my lap looking up and playing with me. Hum. There is an unexplainable sort of peace that happens with a baby. There is something about holding them and their weight in your arms that is just special. I don’t think I will ever be able to put into words just how magical holding them can be. I love me some babies.

So I am on a little bit of a high at this moment. Two of my brothers (James and Tom) came down to visit me and it was sweet time, good time. They came in the afternoon and we just stomped around. We went to a graveyard and wandered and talked and looked at old gravestones. Then James goes, “show us your life.” And so I did. We stomped around the law school. They met some of my classmates. We talked about life and logos in the moot court room and then walked back home. Then I cooked dinner for them. And while I was cooking Clif came over and told them stories of his journeys. I loved having the three of them in my kitchen laughing and talking. Then he left and we ate dinner and talked more. Some of my girls came by before dinner and hung out for a quick second and then made an appearance later on in the evening again. And we laughed and talked and just enjoyed each other. Later on I took advantage of the fact that James wanted to see some of my life and I bust out my photos of some of my favorite people. And I told him of my family and friends throughout the years and we reminisced and talked. You know there are not a lot of people that I have gotten a chance to tell the stories of the people I love. It was nice. Tom helped me with some of the stories. It was just nice. I think I like sharing my life with people. I know I do.

It’s been a good few weeks… good saturated with God weeks… time where I feel myself moving back towards where I was in college…let me explain. I feel a constancy with my walk instead of burst and sparkles.

If you remember God and I had been having some thinking times of what does it look like to be a steward of my life instead of the owner. And that led to every morning covering a good portion of my bible. I would read a book of the bible over and over in the mornings, the same book for a week. The first week was I John and God rocked me and also changed my thoughts towards a friend. The next week was Hebrews where God answered my question from a few weeks ago “What does it mean to obey You?” I’ll get back to that thought later. The third week was James and that led to a good heart to heart with my girls. And this week is Ephesians. Let’s see what happens.

For me I struggle with discipline, I do. And I had to be in a position where discipline was forced upon me. The constant soaking of the bible gets into your mind and soul and thoughts. It is not enough for me to read a passage once and continue on my day… it is in the constant reading over and over that God starts to take the peieces and add them into a corherent story. And my attitude and life has changed. I am happy and at peace in a way I have not been in a while. And even though everything is so fluid right now, I am not worried. Honestly the point that we are at (the point God brought me to) is that He will direct my life. As long as I am pursuing him everything will be filtered out. Things with guys will be filtered out, job stuff will be filtered out, my day to day living. And as long as I soak in Him I can trust that there is purpose behind my longings and the things I am seeking. Honestly I am just enjoying the journey right now.

Anyways back to the whole Hebrews deal. A few years ago Danny and DL were taking us through Hebrews and they said something that did not make sense until now. They were talking about how through practice we are able to discern good from evil…
Well I was reading through Hebrews two weeks ago and this jumped out at me “Christ learned obedience… and was made perfect” That struck me as odd, he learned obedience. Hum… strange. Then I kept on reading and I got to the end of the chapter. “Who thorugh practice are able to discern good from evil.” And finally it clicked what they had tried to explain to me. Ok let me give you a little background here. A few weeks ago I was reading a blog of a friend of mine. And his motto from the summer was obedience ove activity… and he had been blogging about obedience to God etc. Well I read his blog and I asked God. “What am I being obedient to? What is there that God is telling me to do that I need to obey.” Anyways that thought has been rattling in my head for a while… and then I came to the verses “through practice.” When we are able to discern good from evil we will know what to obey. Does that make sense. Until we know what is right and wrong we do not know what to obey… but once we have had out senses trained to know what is right… does that make sense?

Anyways it does in my head. :)

Long story short I like where God is taking me. He is calming my temper and making me understand people better than I ever have. He is keeping me from making rash choices by running my mouth and instead understanding what is the heart and mind of the person speaking to me. I have been more able to have grace and not anger. It’s been great!

Anyways that is along enough blog. Here’s what you should get from it. God is good. I am happy and there is tons of growth to happen but He will take me there.

Done and done.

oh...

Oh this will be a fab-u-lously short post.

Been having good thoughts and time with good people. I spent last night with one of my favorite people in the whole world and it was good. A recharging of sorts... but he said something to me that made me think.
"You can't be a good leader if you don't know how to follow."
So yeah i need to unpack that thought with y'all later on.

Second, but the more important thing is that i have been wrestling with the idea and thought of what it means to be a steward and not owner of my life. I lay in bed on Sunday and I was going through my head all the things that are going on with God. And God started turning my thoughts to the fact that if my life is not mine, if i am a steward shouldn't i first find out what He wants. Shouldn't i first spend the times in the morning just praying and thinking and reading and pondering and spend time with him first and not... i guess what i am trying to say is this. If i am simply a steward of my life i don't spend my time trying to fit Him in... He is the main and all of my life and He tells me what should be fit into my life.

Anyways i am still playing with that thought. I will write more later... learning lots.

Prayer request... I find that i can no longer do traditional church... pray that i will find other simple church people in San Fran when I move out there. I just can't do it... and I'll explain face to face or over e-mail for some of you, why I can not. I love the 'church' traditional and simple, that has not changed but where God allows me to feel comfortable and at peace, connected is not in what I grew up in. Sigh... what am i going to do when i leave macon.

ok i am off to study now
i love you all, friends old and new. Catch me up on your lives, what are you thinking about? What are you questioning... push me by your thoughts.

Ok so i didn't tell you wonderful stories... but fear not I am studying for a test and you know what that means. MORE POSTS! :)

Sum total from the trip is this... be praying for me as I figure the reality of being God and having faith with working towards my dreams...


I'll give you this teaser about the way my trip ended... the street fighter's wife pulled out her front teeth... :) yup more later on

Of Glory and Faith

Of Glory and Grace--Glory and Faith

It has been an amazing trip… I struggle with where to catch y’all up with… Monday was excellent, a good start to the week. I met with a DA in Oakland. She is a little bit older than me African American woman. She gave so much excellent feedback and assistance. Later on that day after leaving Oakland (which is not nearly as scary as people make it out to be) I headed towards Berkley to hang out.

Um why am I dragging this out… let me get to Tuesday ocurrances.

Of Glory and Faith…

Monday after hitting the pavement I went to Borders to chill and unwind. While I was there I asked about a few books and later on the guy who was helping me came and found me sitting in the aisle. “I think you would like this. He is a theist.” Now I will be frank I had no idea really what that meant… but it was an author that I had heard a friend of mine quote before so I was willing to give it a try. The name of the author was Soren Kierkegaard… the quote that played such a role in where my heart was came from his first chapter. Let me first set up the story for you. In his book ‘fear and trembling’ he is discussing the faith of Abraham… a beautiful discussion… well let me give you some insight on the previous days leading up to Tuesday morning. I had been struggling… no surprise there… but more recently there had been a misunderstanding between me and one of my contacts that pretty much took the wind out of my sails and crushed me a little. Ok more than a little. Add to the fact that the overwhelming nature of all the life change that is about to occur started weighing on me… and then there were other areas of my life that I was still battling God about… matters that are/were deeply tied to the heart. Well enter the whirlwind of Tuesday and the quote that grabbed my heart.

Tuesday was an off day from the job/contact hunting. I started the morning still a little teary, a little sad at heart. During the morning we rested and then grabbed lunch. Grace suggested that I go to the mission and look around and tour. She dropped me off at the first Catholic church/mission in San Fran.

Did I ever tell y’all that I have a strange obsession with Catholic churches. I think it is because they make me feel so small and God so great, it think it is the absolute beauty of it… but more than that it reminds me of the days when I used to go away with God and think and pray and dream and struggle at the old chapel of my college… but whatever it is my heart finds sanctuary there.
The recent thoughts I had in my mind as I was showering that morning was, is it greater perhaps better to be stoic? Is that a more true faith, to kill every desire? But something in my heart said no that can not be… there is something incorrect in the pursuit of stoicism… something inherently wrong…

The quote
“… for it is great to give up one’s desire, but greater to stick to it after having given it up; it is great to grasp hold of the eternal but greater to stick to the temporal after having given it up.”

Ok hold on as I grab the pieces of paper I started writing on while in the church.

I went into the church and sat there… and then I started sobbing. Sobbing because I was so tired, sobbing because my heart was so heavy, sobbing because I had not allowed myself the release of tears in a long time and I was tired of being strong having it together and i needed to break for just this one moment I need the peace that came from crying to God. So I cried and I cried and I said out loud all the things that were tying my heart down that I had only mumbled and whispered in prayers. I said it out loud and cried and cried and cried. I had to cry. I had to cry, I was tired of not crying. And in the church there was the picture of the Christ with the burning hear and I sobbed again… do I believe that your heart burns for me god? I don’t understand that concept.
“I don’t think the answer to unmet desires is stoicism but I think it is prayer. Do I understand you as the Christ of the burning heart whose passion never ceases. Your passion burned for God’s glory and for me.”

And my heart was clear and clean, clean like it had not been in a while. Do you know how good it was to talk to God out loud? It was good… it was good.

So I continued on my tour of the old mission and headed towards the front. There was a Filipino woman in the gift store. She and I talked of faith and the world around us of race and hate… and then before I left she said to me. “Never stop believing in God. Prayer changes things.” I smiled at her and told her “I know I was praying in the church…” and I know my eyes started to well up again with tears… and she looked at me, smiled, hugged me and handed me the prayer of Saint Assisi. Come any time you want to pray. Ok.

And I left clean and whole and ready to play in the world again.

I journeyed after the mission/church in a wonderful little coffee nock that I discovered in Castro… I won’t bore you with everything that was written but I did come to this conclusion…
“To desire is to give God your heart. Stoicism for me, at least, is faith in myself and not God… He (Abraham) loved God so much he gave his greatest desire and longing and what he had waited for and believed God for, to be put to death. YET he believed God would give it back. Was that a foolish child like trust? Maybe can I give You that Lord, yes. What else do I have to lose? Who else has the words of eternal life?”

So that was Tuesday. J exciting huh?

I think later on today I will add what happened Wed and Thursday…. Be on the look out of tales of wonderful generous friendly San Franciscans. Tales of wonderful connections, wonderful Italian men kissing my hand, and a maybe job opening and guidance… again it has been an amazing trip.

Till then

So much

So much has happened in the past few days. Some awesome God stuff and crazy job stuff. I will be honest I am beat so let me give you a taste of what I will try to bang out tomorrow morning.

Connections being made
Crying and peace in a beautiful catholic church
misunderstandings and resolutions
free shoes and legal advice in one fell swoop
hand kissing by owner of restaurant
very nice bouncer of said restaurant
Grace and faith

It's been a good trip... i am so tired. the people here are wonderful, this is such my city. i pray doors continue to open... all i can do is dream,pray, and act right?

Southern girl loves San Fran... and the quest of getting San Fran to love her

Good Morning everybody from San Francisco!

San Francisco you wonder... well did I ever tell you that I have a new obsession? The obsession is beating the door down to get a job out here... and live here. We shall see what happens.

I was talking to Marianne and she asked me to journal my journey here. Well I had a wonderful e-mail typed out and then it went into a weird black hole. So I am trying a new one.

How do i like the city? I love it. I kind of have a crush on San Fran. don't tell anyone. :)
Yesterday again reminded me how much I want to be out here. And it was not anything in particular other than how natural everything felt, how i could see what my own rhythm of life could look like here, other than the fact that i could see myself discovering the city for years and loving every second of it, other than the fact that the people are so friendly. Oh here is the best part... this trip I have found other black people!!!!!!! (last time I came I say a grand total of 4 of us. It was sad)

But I am enjoying myself. My trip here was to look around the city, make sure this is where I want to live, seriously pray through some stuff, and do some leg work on getting a job. So far two of the three things is getting accomplished since I have been here (I've been in town a whole 36 hrs). I have gotten a chance to look around a small corner of the city. I love the farmers market that takes place at the Faire. Did i mention that the Faire is on on the bay. Yup, instant ocean. :) Also I have a flurry of meet-ups with various friend's friend's who are lawyers, included one i just meet on the street at the farmers market. It's been good.

I'll be honest, there are times when I freeze up and get a little overwhelmed. Mainly those times happen when I think about how many people I have to meet and once I am around them what do I say. A lot of my time this evening will be spent researching the people I am talking with. I hope and pray and feel like that will give me a good feel for them.

Anyways I probably should give you a feel of what yesterday was like. I landed at 2am in the morning. there were flight delays coming out of the airport... sigh... for hours. Michelle and I crashed as soon as picked me up. I got up in the morning and went to the store across the street to get some fruit and stuff. At the check out I was invited to a jacuzzi party. i laughed internally at that (incidentally men from new york are pretty bold people). I finished getting my stuff went to starbucks talked with the lady there for a while about places to do natural hair and headed back to grace's place. Michelle, her cousin, and her boy friend and i then hit the market. Um wonderful. On our way in i say people walking out with flowers wrapped in paper. Did i ever tell you that i am a sucker for flowers? Well I am. Well we start to walk around. there is fresh food every and of all types. And it smells great! We wander around get some food and head back for lunch. Well after lunch Michelle and her cousin headed out and stayed behind to e-mail contacts and finish up school type work(flyers, missions trip stuff, etc). After that was done I started wandering through some of Grace's neighborhood. I love discovering stuff on my own. I like discovering little nooks and crannies of new out of the way places.

anyways let me stop boring y'all. I think this southern girl has a thing for San Fran. Hopefully San Fran has a thing for her.

Good Friends

Thank you God for good friends. Friends that both challenge you and friends that give you that shot of wisdom. Before my summer started I asked God to rock my world and make me uncomfortable and force me to grow. And He did, and has started... First I was provided with a new friend who stretches the way i think and pushes me. Then He provided several tough situations in which He is forcing me (and has forced me) to talk with people about difficult issues. And then when i call out to Him about something that confused me and had me paralyzed He provides me with time with a good friend, Ms. L Brooks. I love this woman. I was laying in bed last night, praying confused... wait let me quote from the journal (by the way i am learning what it means to be honest with all your desires ) "...wisdom in pursuing ... God i have never pursued my chased my desires. I have always been prudent and 'wise' or fearful and cautious. Teach me the difference between wisdom and repression. Obedience and fear and discernment." You see when you open the pandora's box of 'God here is my heart" there is a lot that comes with it... wisdom/pride/foolishness is a close companion. I don't have to be wise and prayerful when I deny to myself what my heart is asking... i don't have to pray for wisdom, or heck even for God to fulfill the desire because i have already killed it.

Anyways last night i was in knots and i needed some wisdom. Enter in this morning. Well my boss (yes this is a familiar line i am about to say) kicked me out of the office to go to the doctor. I know i know, again nnena, yea, again... i have a hard time going sometimes. Anyways long story short i left my appointment early and had a chance to hang out with Letoyia. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!

everything that i asked god about the night previously she spoke straight to. We shared our hearts and what was going on and where we were at in life. And it was wonderful. And it was right. I looked at Letoyia "Do you know i said God in 24hrs i really need you to answer this for me. And though i don't like the answer i have it. And i feel amazingly free"

Yup i feel free. I can move forward and not worry about what could have been, what could happen, because... yeah, it's done. :) I know incredibly vague... but there is a limit to the disclosure that will happen in a blog. :) Just know that God's 'no' is the best thing i have heard all week! I am free. Free to dream and plan and move and not look back and regret... and it feels wonderful.

so rejoice with me. Freedom is hard earned but oh so sweet!

?

Who is your witness for? What is your witness?

And I am like Peter

“But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For prior to the coming of certain men from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles, but when they came, he began to withdraw and hold himself aloof, fearing the party of the circumcision.” Galatians 2:11-12

It all started with a post on my wall. A post that I initially laughed at but was also more than a little appalled at. The thoughts that ran through my head were “What would xyz think about me and my walk.” Not what would the non-Christians in my world think, but what would the Christians I know think. I was worried about me seeming to have fallen away from God.

The struggle is to be like Peter is great. I understand a little too well what was going through his mind when he was seen with the Gentiles. “What if they question my Jewishness, what if they believe I have fallen, what if I look less holy, what will they think, will they judge me. They won’t understand.” And so he pulls away. I’ve pulled away. But I also have stayed.

I can honestly say I have been in the midst of conversations that I would rather not have been. Places I would not have chosen to go. But I go because someone needs to bear the light. The temptation to stay away is just as great as to remain. There is always the danger that instead of making a difference you will instead fall. There is always the danger that instead of making a difference, you will chose the easier seemingly more Christian path and withdraw-- and just look from a distance. Hoping that your light will shine from afar instead of going into the dark.

Walking the line is hard. It is harder than falling for the world or withdrawing from the world. It’s hard. And it is harder when you do it alone. My prayer for Mac-Town and me is to no longer go at it alone. It is so easy to lose focus and lose steam… and just float by and call it ministry to the lost. My prayer is for a deep, rocking accountability that reaches towards God and in reaching towards God reaching towards the lost. I need another woman to walk beside me. Oh I need it I need it. Pray for that for me.

We are not created to go in alone. The temptation is too great.