Food and old Friends

Food
It’s been a good afternoon in God today, a real good afternoon.

So I started reading John today for the purpose of… yup seeing how Jesus did life. :) seems to always be the reason why I go through the gospels. Well as I was reading I ran into the story of the Samaritan woman. But what struck me about the story was the end of it, what Jesus said to his disciples.

Let me set up the story, they have been gone for a little while (the disciples) and they started urging Jesus to eat. He says to them “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples were saying to each other “No one brought Him anything to eat, did he?” Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish his work.”

I stopped there in John and just sat on it. Two thoughts occurred to me the first one being “God do I get my substances, life from obeying You?” The second occurred several hours after the other thought, “everyone gets their sustenance from following you, only we don’t know it.”

I started chomping through the first idea this morning/afternoon. “How long has it been since that was the case with me? That my life came through doing your will? That people remained or left in [in my life] because I knew it was your will. That I took this test [the bar]…What sustained you was to do God’s will. I’m not sure if I understand what that looks like yet. Will you teach me? will you show me how to get satisfaction from simply following you? to get my life from knowing I am doing your will. Obedience and disobedience will carry a higher penalty and I will not be able to simply slide.

But it will be a life like I have never lived before and I am ready for it.

Those thoughts occurred until the second thought hit me on the car ride home… life is already like that for us. What do I mean. We are already set up to only truly live and have life when we are following Him, obeying Him. For example, I am miserable when I am not following after God. It is not a simple guilty issue, but my life, my light inside, is dim and I am not the same person. I have seen it time and time again with different areas of my life. I am less me the further I am away from Him. I tried to get someone once to understand that… and my old co-worker understood that about me. I will never forget how my co-workers knew instinctively when I have not had enough time with God… there was a nickname they gave me for those moments. We are wired to find our life in Him. Even when we don’t find it in Him it does not change our basic makeup.

Anyways that is what I was chomping through today.


Good Friends

On a lighter note I spent some good time with old friends from high school. Yin and Jang are old buddies that I have not seen in ages. I feel oddly normal when I am with my old high school buddies… we are all just a little off, and a little inappropriate (when I say a little inappropriate think a lot inappropriate). I have always measured whether or not anything could go anywhere with a guy by whether or not I thought he could hang with this crew… sad to say I am not sure if I have met a guy who could honestly be able to appreciate (and I do mean appreciate, not just tolerate) the group when they are just being themselves and someone the group would not eat for dinner (both parts are necessary, I know men that have one or the other). However as spouses are being brought in I am seeing a little bit of what could fit with the group. First off, this person needs a thick skin and a good sense of humor. Wait let me rephrase that VERY thick skin and an ability to not get embarrassed when your significant other shares intimate details about your relationship while you are sitting at the table. Yin’s husband is a GREAT sport. Thankfully Jang new fiancé was not at dinner…

Well seeing as Yin and I had not seen each other in a while, she thought it appropriate to ask me very loudly while we are standing at the bar, “You’re still a virgin right?” “Yes, yes Yin, I am.” then later at the table she goes, “You know kissing and making out is ok but nothing else. Ok?” I am not going to recite the rest of what she said… suffice to say thank goodness I don’t get embarrassed easily. Part of why Yin’s concern cracks me up is because Yin and I share different values… She also proceeded to tell me of the nice West African men that she could hook me up with—men who love Jesus. Then she proceeded to rib me “Though if you want a Jewish guy I know plenty on nice Jewish boys. I did live in Long Island.” I am almost certain that the family that sat behind us was offended by that comment… I loved the comment and died laughing.

But I love that crew. We bounced around from topic to topic. Race and issues of race are not taboo or uncomfortable… conversation flows so easily and so honestly (maybe too honestly for the public place we were at). There is something about being friends with someone long term (15 years+) that takes away any pretense or having to explain yourself, they just know you. I am not saying you will not have your issues but a lot of b.s. is cut out.

Anyways that’s all I got for you guys.

if you have time

If you get a chance please check out this blog by a young woman who does work down in Mexico in Boystown. I believe that I have told you about her before... but her recent blog post is simply amazing.

http://boystownreynosa.blogspot.com/

check it out.

love you all
nnena

it is good

Sometimes life does not turn out the way you expect and that is ok because it is as it should be.

Funny the sense of joy that I have inside of me… I think that is what is the weirdest thing about today… I’ve sort of moved on. yeah there is some residual stuff… but the love more than makes up for it.

I will say it again I have been given more than what is fair. I will say it again I trust God. I trust his timing. That has been said to me quite a bit this weekend… and the funny thing is that the first time I heard it I heard it with my ears, the second time I heard it I wanted to believe it and see it, the third time I heard it I believed it and started waiting to see what the greatness will be. I know that SF is where I am supposed to be. And I know that not passing the bar is not random. The idea that it is random does not compute with my theology (I say that with a slight smile). There is a purpose and meaning… and this afternoon I was praying to see some of the reason. Well another girl I had been chatting with from the bar did not pass. And yea… let’s just say some of the purpose of failing came clear. :)

I wait for something great. I wait for God to surprise me with both work and circumstances. I wait to see what is waiting for me because I did fail. I wait to live in faith. I am waiting: anxiously, joyously, hopefully. What is faith… the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

If I say I believe in God I believe, in him being sovereign and deliberate, in Him causing all things to work for good… then I have to believe that this is good masquerading as bad, that this is deliberate and planned and that it will work for a higher good… that the things hoped for can be, the conviction that He exists and works though I can’t see him.

There is so much more than this situation. There are so many things waiting for me. The other shoe has not dropped. I know there is a purpose that I can’t see now that later on down the road I will look back and go “Oh…” I can not shake that conviction. Lead on God. There is more out there and there is something you are teaching me and I am ready to learn.

There is good

There is tons of good from this.
First, my identity is not in people but in Christ.. i'll explain that later on.
Second, I have a wonderful support system that loves me way too much.
Third, when you fall down get up and move on.

well

Well... the worst case scenario happened. and yeah i got a lot of emotions going on. a lot. one is a sense of resolve. i let a lot of things distract me. i allowed past stiff to bother me and other people's priorities to become my own. i let keeping other people happy or solving their problems come before me hitting that last week before the bar hard. never again. never again. i had to learn that lesson the hard way in houston and apparently i needed to learn it here.

but i am resolved. i am taking it again. i am focus... and i just realized just how much i want it.

i got a lot of filtering to go through in my mind. i am sad. i do feel a sense of peace. i also feel blessed by who God has put in my life. my family and friend really came around me. last night i was not left alone and just surrounded by my family and friends. i am not going to lie, it hurts, it really hurts and i need to just cry but thank God for what he has given me. i am going to allow myself to feel sad work through it and push through. and i'll be durned if this is going to hold me back. it will not. i will push through.

anyways if i disappear for a few days it is to allow myself to think and ut things in order.

through their eyes

Do you ever realize (after the fact of course) that you were seeing someone through your eyes and not who they are? Well today in my attempt to keep my mind occupied I started going through some old e-mails, facebook messages... and I realized that I didn't let one of my friends be who he was rather there was a particular person that I had decided that I wanted him to be. Well after months of distance it is easier to see people for who they really are. Not as a villain or a saint but as a person. Hum. Last year was a good year a very good year. I learned so much and I hope that as I reflect on all that has happened in my life I learn more and new lessons.

Still waiting for the bar results...

I can't sleep. I can't focus. I just want to know. They (my classmates) were right. It is the waiting that is the worst. I just want to know and I honestly don't care about anything else until I know.

Pray for focus for me. I have a case I am working on that I have to get done. But I can not seem to get any traction on it because I can't focus.

I sat down and journaled/talked with God today and just asked this question... is it because I don't trust You with the future? I don't know? I wish it was just a lack of faith but it is so much more.... it is how public the knowledge is. I was talking to one of my Cali girls yesterday and she summed it up. It is just so public. I wish so many people did not know when the results came out so that I could quietly go into my hole if I fail. But I can't. The good old legal profession exposes everything about you.

I guess the healthier response is "My identity is in Christ." I m trying to hold on to that... but the public shame... maybe if I held on to where my identity was it would be a case of disappointment rather than shame if I don't pass. AHHHHHHHHHHH

Ok. That is out of my system. Not really but least I am being honest with you.

Wed... two more days and a few more hours. Time is ticking by

Rainbow connection

Well one of my friends brought up this song in connection to credit card debt. Yeah I know....

I am in a weird mood. Waiting, I am waiting for my bar results. And maybe i have trained myself not to feel anything but I have this weird numbness... not nerves but being numb. Part of me wants the nerves so that I will rejoice greatly if I get good news... It's funny how we train ourselves not to feel so that we won't get disappointed. And ever so often I get close to wanting to cry and then my brain kicks in and goes "You don't know yet Nnena. You don't know"

So what is waiting for the bar like? Well picture it this way. You have worked from high school through college, the LSAT and law school just to have one test determine if the sacrifice was worth it... no let me tell you the way we really feel. We, the bar takers, are waiting to see if we are good enough. I fought to get into law school. I fought my fear and money. I fought to get through the bar... was my fighting worth it. There, there I finally feel the tears. :) I am concerned. The rational part of me says "I just need to know how I did so I can know what the next step is." The more honest part of me has just one prayer. "Please God. let me pass. Let me hold up my head and show the world that I am meant to be a lawyer, that I really did put in effort. That what people saw in me was real."

sigh

anyways here is the rainbow connection

RAINBOW CONNECTION
Kermit the Frog

Why are there so many
Songs about rainbows
And what's on the other side
Rainbow's are visions
They're only illusions
And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told and some chose to
Believe it
But I know they're wrong wait and see

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Who said that every wish
Would be heard and answered
When wished on the morning star
Somebody thought of that
And someone believed it
And look what it's done so far
What's so amazing
That keeps us star gazing
What so we think we might see

Someday we'll find it
That Rainbow Connection
The lovers the dreamers and me

Have you been half asleep
And have you heard voices
I've heard them calling my name
Are these the sweet sounds that called
The young sailors
I think they're one and the same
I've heard it too many times to ignore it
There's something that I'm supposed to be

Someday we'll find it
The Rainbow Connection
The lovers, the dreamers and me

Jacob stuff

I am behind in posting this. Life has been a little crazy the past few weeks. Here are some of the thoughts that I had about Jacob over the span of a few days.
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So Jacob had not even decided to follow God yet when he began his journey to become Israel. I was reading through Genesis this morning…. A continuation of my reading of Abraham and I had gotten into the story of Jacob. As he was on his way from his father’s house to Laben’s place he has God appear to him. And he lists a set of things that have to be accomplished before he will choose God to be his God. Listen to the way he phrased it
“ If god will be with me and will keep me on this journey that I take, and will give me food to eat and garments to wear, and I return to my father’s house in safety, then the Lord will be my God.”
Then the Lord will be his God, a choice like a person makes of a village God or a household God. “If such and such happens. I will choose you as my God. But you better prove yourself worthy”

I remember one of my college professors trying to get us to understand that in those times everyone was polytheistic and the simple message of the beginning of the old testament was that god was above all other gods and then the message narrowed to god being the only god.

I am. the god of Jacob, Isaac, Abraham… they hadn’t believed in him yet. This is the god of your father’s and I bet the first initial understanding of god was as a family god and not his God-his personal very real God who was the only God. And I think as the journey went on Moses began to understand God to be all those things-real, personal. That God was not simply above the other Gods and a better choice but he was the only true God.

Pluralism is not a new concept. From the very beginning of time it existed and I think it is a false arrogance of our times to think that it is new. All roads lead to God is the thought… and the word stood against that then and now and simply said, this is the truth and this is God. “Men of Athens I observe that you are full of wisdom and spiritual.” Translate it to our times… the same problems then existed then as they do now. It did not matter that some had seen the miracles of Jesus… so have we… and we have explained them around. What we need is not a new re-reading of the bible but to understand that the bible was written and understood in a time just like ours. Where there were several different Gods and beliefs. That is the cradle of where the word came from. Do you think it is new to the word that there were people who had another creation story? Um no. I think they were well aware of it, it is us who are now being so surprised by the alternate stories. Remember where the word came from, the cradle (as some say) of civilization…I like to call it from another one of the points of development.

Sunday October 26th
Viewing Jacob from the perspective of someone who God was working with changes a lot… and it changes the way I view how you work with people. That salvation can be a process and it is possible that God will use someone who does not believe to be the salvation and the Father of a nation. It makes me want to look more critically at some of the other stories that I take for granted. Like Moses. But at the same token it puts the people of Israel in perspective. Remember they left with some of the gods of Egypt and cried and wanted to go back to them. if you view God as a one of the ‘gods’ that you can choose from then when the God you have chosen turn out to be a bum deal you want to go back to the other gods. Or you hold on to the past gods ‘just in case’ you need to go back to them. that makes the people journey of faith clearer and that is why He had to tell them that I am ONE, one God. God above other Gods. The only God. They did not believe as we believe, their faith had not developed to the idea of a monotheistic God. He was just the best option for them to choose.

I am the God of Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham. Tell them that I am sent you…
*****

Now I am going through Moses and the people of Israel... more on that later

Ok. I have a brief due this week so I will write more next week? I think? :)
Till then

Sex trafficking

I am trying to marshal together my thoughts from this weekend. For those of you who do not know I went to a sex trafficking workshop. I learned a lot and some of what I learned and was exposed to: reaffirmed some things felt in my heart, muddled the waters with how/what I think of the men I care about and know that have gone to strip club and/or used a prostitute or massage parlor, and challenged me to action.

I learned a lot… I learned about how they ‘recruit’ their girls. I learn how they season them and make them submissive. I learned how they mentally destroy the girl all to make a profit. I can’t call prostitution a victimless crime any more. You are paying to rape a girl when you pay for sex.

That is a hard statement for me to make because they are men that I know and care about who have done that (by the way there are men that you love and care about who have done the same). I know men that have gone to strip clubs women that have done the same… and I can’t sit by any more and ignore the fact that the people I love are helping keep sex trafficking in business. It is so easy “Oh they choose to do this.” Do you really know. Do you know who their money is going to? Do you know if it is a pimp? Do you know if they got involved because of sexual abuse? Do you know?

Is it easier to tell ourselves that this woman chose to do this rather than open our eyes to the more likely scenario… that she was forced into it and is being kept in it?

I hate strip clubs and I hate prostitution. I don’t hate the girls who do it and I don’t hate the men that go… I hate the mindset that creates it and I hate the people that make a profit off a woman’s body. Some say it is like a sports athlete… no they get to keep their dignity… and they are not dehumanized or forced into slavery. A woman who is involved in this just becomes something to be consumed. She fits into a very special niche called ‘satisfying my appetite’. I think that is part of the problem… the way we view women is part of the problem. There are the mother, sisters, friends, women you respect and women that feed your appetite. There is the girl you marry and the one you have fun with. There is the Madonna and the whore (reference to Freud) and as a woman you fit into one or the other. Something is inherently wrong with that view. Behind the thought of ‘ this is a girl you marry’ is this idea of a use for women, again she is property. I am not sure if that is making sense. I need to think on it a little bit more.

But this is why there is a struggle in me about this… how does my perception of the men who engage in this change? My view of the women have not changed. I still see them as being victimized but the men that engage and use these women… It would be simple to say “Oh those men are evil.” But I know some of them and they are not… which makes the issue that much more difficult.

We talked a lot about the demand side of the problem. That while there is a demand there will always be a supply of girls to be used. Again there is that word choice, women (and boys) used as a commodity.

So I will be processing a lot of stuff from this weekend over the next couple of days/weeks. There will be more discussion on the actual material I learned. And I am more than willing to pass it along.