Grace and Love

So my roommates and tony's grace and love gave me the strength to do what I didn't want to do but needed to do. Who knew that grace was so much more powerful than my guilt. What i could not do in all of the self hatred of myself their love and grace did.

When I initally started thinking about this blog the events of this evening had not yet happened. And this blog is a little too real. And unfortunately I will have to write more later...

But I will write more later.


Here's a bit of honesty for you. I know I did the right thing but I can't help but look back and second guess myself. I keep asking myself am I sure? Are you sure Nnena? And I'm sure but that is cold comfort right now.

Shout out

I am giving a shout out to Sweet Caroline whose wisdom and accountabilty is standing me in good stead.
Girl you rock!

Moments like these

I live for moments like last night. Yesterday a bunch of us were hanging out at place here in town. A classmate and I got into a discussion about faith. He brought it up. He started talking about where he wants to be in life and the things he has to figure out. The conversation shifted to shifted to the fact that his family are Christians. However he just can’t believe just because they do. His faith has to make sense to him and be his own. And then he started talking about how he has conversations with different friends of his and how they tell him the Bible is just metaphors but he can’t accept that. So he is on a journey to understand the bible and Jesus and wants to apply the learning we have done here in law school to his understanding of the bible. He believes that you don’t have to divorce your intellect in the search of God and somehow that once you get deep enough you have no choice but to believe as a child.

It was a good conversation a good conversation. Oh I live for moments like that. I was fairly humming inside at the end of it. That is what I live for that is why I am here--to provide a sounding board for people in their search of God. Everyone is searching. Only some are more aware of the search than others.

Anyways freaking awesome, huh? :)

Good Morning America! I had a fabulous time with God this morning and a moment of necessary clarity with one of my girl friends yesterday. Hopefully that will translate into some good thoughts later on today. I plan on chilling with God this afternoon and thinking and praying. And I am more than a little excited about that.

I am hungry to smell of Christ.

I was looking through old posts and yeah... I am hungry

the good in something

It’s funny. Yesterday morning I was thinking that there is good and redemption in everything. And then yesterday evening I got a chance to see it… a little. A friend of mine had a little too much to drink and she started leaning on me going. “I just don’t know where the boundary is.” And I look at her and go “I understand. I know the boundary and yet I keep on crossing it. If you don’t believe me ask the guy behind me.” and she goes “thank you. from my heart to yours.”

I have never understood the passage in Romans 7 like I do now. ‘The thing I want to do I do not do… the willing is present in me but the doing of good is not.’ This morning I lay in bed talking to God. “God I can’t do it. I keep on trying but I can’t. Will you break things for me? Will you be my strength.” I think I live my life in a lot of in my own strength. I have never needed God to do right, maybe to change my attitude but not to do the ‘right’ thing. That is why the fact that I am not doing what at core I know is right is bothering me. Because, gosh durn it, I should be strong enough. And gosh durn it I am not because my heart is involved. ‘Guard your heart because it is the well spring of life…’

What is the good in this? Humility? Maybe? Compassion and empathy for other? Yeah? Something unknown… yeah… something not seen yet

But this I know, we will move past this. And I will grow, be different, stronger but stronger in that ‘I depend on God for everything sort of way.’ There is something greater and more that will happen. I see the greatness around the corner and I am ready to head there.

because

Because i wanted to get this thought out before i forget. Last night at B-Study we talked about how Christ was fully man (and fully God) and he is the example of and the height what man should be. So add the fact that we are going through Hebrews chapter 2 and you can only begin to guess the good God stuff that came out. Anyways I need to go back to becoming a law student. More more will come.

By faith not works

I am in the midst of a journey to find out who am I really. I am realizing that a lot of ‘who’ I thought I was was wrapped up in the negative. I defined myself by what I didn’t do. I defined myself by the fact that I don’t get drunk, don’t make major mistakes etc. A couple weeks ago I kissed a friend and everything that I thought I was and who I was changed. I became that girl that I look down on. Who am I? I would love to say that I am defined by who Christ has made me to be, and I am, except that is not how I would have defined myself.

So I am in the process of learning who God knows I am. I have a feeling it is a lot better and a lot more wonderful than what I think I am. And I think that there will be freedom like I have never known in that. And maybe I will find my worth in Him and not in what I do.

Anyways I am looking forward to it.

Learning

Today, this week, this year I am learning a lot about grace, God,community, and what i truly believe about all those things. As you can tell from the last few posts i had been struggling. And when I fell something in my thought process went "well i can't come to God. I don't deserve community..." because i deliberately chose wrong instead of caring about my friend... I think i am done beating myself up about it... and i hope i have taken responsibility for my actions but it is amazing how much legalism is in me.

Somewhere inside of me i guess i thought i could not be honest with people when i screwed up.

I need community