quick update

Because i am avoiding studying i thought i would give y'all a quick update.
Finals are here! Rejoice, let the people rejoice... i think... :)

Actually it has been an amazing semester filled with lots of God grabbing my attention. I've gotten to know some good people better and i have been challenged by people i have known a while too. Overall i can not complain.
Soon after Civil procedure on Friday I will catch y'all up on what is going on here in Macon. For now here is a peak at the thoughts of the moment

This morning people were giving prayer requests about the physical issues that the people close to them are going through... and i was listening... a mother with 4 kids who has cancer, a college freshman with cancer... to a guy being sent to Pakistan to work... and the thought that ran through my head is this.

We all die.

That is not a big surprise, we can't avoid it, it happens. But we don't all live... some of us rather be safe than live... The question that i have to ask myself is did i live well and did i die well?

I get very tied up to living life... and that is because until Christ took a hold of me, life meant nothing to me... so for me wanting to live and Christianity are the same thing... but i think it is as i am getting older that i understand what it really means to live life. It is not just feeling everything to the extremes, it is not just having fun, or loving people, though that is part of it... but it is not being afraid of death or dying and being willing to risk your life for Christ... that is life... and it doesn't mean that you get shipped off to a far away land, though it might be that too... but am i dying, right here, right now.

The funny things is that it is often easier to say "Yes God" to sending you to a dangerous war zone... than to say "Yes God." to the person who is hurting you in this very second. Will I say “Yes God” when my husband is hurting my heart? It is often easy to say "Yes God" to the person who is persecuting you for your faith than then person you love persecuting you... and you saying, forgive them Father they don't know what they are doing. My greatest heroes have been women who have forgiven the men who have raped them, their grandfather who molested them, the coach who assaulted them. They are my heroes... because the gospel message of forgiveness, mercy, grace, is not just an intellectual exercise for them but a stark and very real reality. They have forgiven the people who hurt them and are still in relationship (some of them have to be because of blood) with them... and their forgiveness is still there. Those are my heroes.

Anyways that is a brief catch up. I pray i live well and die well.

till the next catch up


nnena

well so i am not as tough as i thought

This a blog that i had meant to post a while back... consider it my November blog.

Well, there are days when you just have to suck it up and go "yes, i am a fragile girl, and i break." I hate those moments. Last night we played flag football and as Yarbs and I were going for a flag we collided. My shoulder and her knee met, and I was the worse for it. I remember thinking as i was hitting the ground that “this is going to hurt.” and “Oh no my shoulder.” Well we left the game and i started trying to drive home. Um my shoulder hurt, it didn't quite want to allow me to drive. Hum... problem. It hurt when i went to bed, however but after having clif look at it he decided that it was not dislocated. Well i woke up in the night with it hurting and i went to the doctor. Long story short they sent me for x-rays everything is fine. But the point of this story... Well Don picks me up from the x-ray place and takes me home. His parting comment to me on my way out the door is "poor fragile nnena." I took his comment internalized it, griped about it in my head, and also acquiesced to the truth of the statement.

sigh.

I’m not a boy. I’m not as tough as you guys. sigh. it is like that moment when for the first time in my life a guy beat me in a race. (I will have you know that that did not happen until 9th grade thank you!) i was astounded, surprised, in disbelief, "he beat me?" and in typical nnena fashion i fell for him. oh puppy love. if you can't beat them join them. but i digress.

Actually this blog is making me smile as i type it. so many memories of nnena trying to prove to guys that she is tough... the grand master g memory jumps out. i know marianne and rach are dying laughing about that stupid fight. You see back in college i had this horrible habit of saying that no man was going to make me bend. Some how David Garrison and I got into this match of mental stubbornness of me not calling him Grand master G. I am laughing as i type this. We chased each other around the door. We got into a wrestling match. But i was not going to call him Grand Master G. Finally (after several hours, I kid you not) he whispered "just call me G, just call me G." because at this point he was probably tired (heaven knows i was) and just wanted to win something. So i called him that. But then i looked him in the eyes and said, "I never called you Grand Master G" Ah Nnena and her foolish pride.

Why at the age of 21 was i engaging in a wrestling match with a guy? Because i was stupid. Because i had to prove my point. Growing up i always felt the need to prove to guys that i was as strong as them. I was as tough as them. As a child i would pick up boys and throw them in the trash can. Seriously i did. I would challenge them to races. As i got older it was me trying to prove to them that i was as spiritually wise as them, and i could keep up and beat them in bible knowledge and understanding.

And some where tangled up in it were my insecurities of maybe not being pretty enough. But heck i am strong enough and i'll get your attention that way. Oddly enough that did work with certain men... but i digress. lol.

Hopefully as time has gone on i am not nearly as foolish as this. I accept help now... :) And i know that God has corrected my vision on a lot of things that had my mind warped. Such as the way i view myself and my femininity. Such as the fact that i don't have to prove anything to someone, it is good enough just being me. And maybe age has made me comfortable with my own skin. But it is more than that. God has delivered me from my broken perception of myself. I will never forget the moment in the break room where God truly healed my heart in regards to the outside and inside. I was sitting in the break room during my lunch and i was journaling about a whole lot of stuff. And somewhere in the midst of that i was journaling about how i felt about my appearance. Right before i started writing a co-worker was asking me about why was i not dating a friend of mine. And my reason for why was because i was not pretty enough to. i never said that out loud to her. The words that came out my mouth were "well we are not each others type." but what i felt on the inside was opposite of that. And as i was journaling it hit me, he loved me not because of the outside...he has been my friend for years and loved me not because of my outside... the people that loved me loved me because of who i was, not because of my looks or how i preformed and that was beautiful to them. And at that moment i believed what i had told tons of girls You are beautiful because of the inside, that is your beauty.

it was a hallelujah moment. i am beautiful because of what is on the inside. ********************************************************************************* There was going to be so much more written on this but i forgot to finish it. :) oh well. :) anyways off to go study international law. oh the joy of it all. two blogs for the price of one. Can you beat that? nope!

because it has been a month

quick blog, in the midst of editing my brief for one of the final times!!!! We file my case at the end of this month!!!!

anyways the thought that ran through my head at the beginning of the week is this.

how do you blog joy.

this sunday i went back home for a celebration service at logos... and we were what we should be... it was good... everyone was present, not physically i mean, but present with their hearts and not holding back affection for and with each other and it was good.

how do you blog joy

God is more than enough... oh He is more than enough... and even in the crabbby moments wheni have no sleep, there has been an overwhelming realization of my joy.

how do you blog joy?

when you know you are following god even though no one else may see it or understand... and fining peace in following him... that is joy

well i could say more but i promised sara that i would have another draft to her by the evenings end

i am happy and joyful and at peace... oh i am at peace and i have wanted that for so long

i pray that God gives you his peace

loose ends...

Ok i am going to try to tie up some loose ends

Stuff with Logos is good... truly and honestly... i realized that i might have left y'all hanging on things there... good conversations have happened. Misunderstanding have happened and then were cleared up. Life is being lived and it is good. Do you like how vague that was... the depths of a real answer would take more time than i could begin to get into... suffice to say that the people that i am in love with are in love with me too. :) What more could a girl want.
So i stepped outside my porch and smelled the rose that had started blooming... my deck probably has too much going on (is it ok if i describe my life with you?). I have three potted rose bushes. Two bushes which are blooming off and on. And the third one i believe has stopped its cycle. The rose bush towards the front is a yellow rose bush. And it just finished growing some lovely large yellow flowers... i think there a few more waiting to come out. one the side of my porch is the other blooming rose bush. It is a lovely pink tint. Lovely dark pink with a sweet scent. It was actually the scent of the rose blossom that has come of age that makes me write of it... the rose smelled so sweet, so, are you ready for the cheese?, heady intoxicating.
hanging from the porch on the roof are two hanging baskets, with small purple and white flowers. And on an old chair is a fern, over growing fern. On Clif's side (yes his side, he gives me free reign with the outside of the house) i have placed a window pane table with white chairs... on my side a grey table with blue chairs.
Anyways it has been a crazy week with good and random stuff happening. I'll work my way back form baby-sitting to the God getting my attention revelation.
Last night i babysat for one of my Professors. She has two lively boys. Dean is 2.5 and Elliot is 1... and they are a mess. Anyways my favorite part of the evening was bed time. I put elliot in his bed and then Dean and i played for a little while. Then it was time to get Dean ready for bed. So Dean choose a book and came and sat in my lap on the rocking chair. And we rocked back and forth, back and forth... we read quite a few stories... and then we just talked. Seriously we talked. "Dean i think you are simply wonderful." "Why?" "Well you helped clean up and you let your brother help make the muffins. You did something for someone else... that is why i think you are wonderful..." and we went down a list of why i think he is wonderful... lists that included that we think of others etc... We rocked back and forth... At this point in the evening he was laying in my lap looking up at me asking me questions, questions with those big blue gray eyes. His head was in the center of the inside of my elbow, leg sprawled across my lap, looking up and asking questions. And Dean and i talked. Finally it was time to turn off the light.
"When you turn off the light will you come and talk to me?" "Yes Dean but only for a little while. Let me check on your brother first ok." "ok" So i checked on elliot, who was protesting sleep, and came back to Dean's room. "Ok only for a little while." "Tell me a story." "Ok once when i was little like you i went to a daycare that had a giant Rocket ship and i climbed all the way to the top. it was so tall..." and then we talked a little more and then i said goodnight.
there is something sweet in a child just laying there talking to you... i had fun cooking with dean, i had fun chasing him and being silly, but my favorite part was just talking with him. Dean likes to talk and have a conversation... a 2year old likes to have conversation. Crazy.
ok to the part of the weekend that is effecting my week.
This Saturday i spent the night with an old friend from college... she has a wonderful lively 1yr old and a pretty cool husband(who was working that week)... Anyways do you know how you have people in your life that are pivotal for the way you see God... well she is that for me. When i moved back to Atlanta there was a group of woman that God used to help me understand that His glory is a very real and practical thing. The catch phrase for everything was "Is 'How is God glorified by this." Jen used to say that she could not wait until the time her husband hurt her so deeply that she forgives him because of her love of God, because of her desire to glorify God.
That is part of the nourishment, fertilizer for my soul that i received at GA State. Anyways sometimes you have to be in the presence of people who were with you way back when to remember who you really are. Well i was driving home on Sunday morning... thinking the whole way of who we were and the questions we asked... and i realized that i had stopped asking that question in the everyday... and as i was driving certain choice i had recently made became really clear. And when i came back to Macon i started making some changes. From little changes of returning some thing i had bought to not reacting in anger to an e-mail i had received... and the only difference was this... I want God to be glorified in what i do. So if i respond in anger how is God glorified? There is so much more...
But my thinking this week has been affected greatly... and i feel parts of the old nnena (nenna) coming back... the nnena that cared more about God's glory than her own way. Wed i was talking with a friend and we got into this conversation about wanting God's glory more... well in the middle of the conversation i realized that i do not have to be a slave to my emotions. He already set me free... and he set me free in the fact that he made me to glorify Him. That is where my freedom is. But this has sparked good God conversations with different people and adjusting of thinking
For example a thought i have not fully formed... If i treat all people all the time as God's creation and especially the people that i am so comfortable around... if i treat them with kindness always, if i am conscious that i am talking to a creation of God a child i will always respect, honor, and love them. And if i remember that my husband is a child of God it is never acceptable to treat him as less than that, i never get so lax, causal, that i do not think of being kind to him.... i always deliberately look t his welfare... ah i don't know if i am getting this across. But I remember that he is my brother in Christ and the same passages that relate to loving one and another and how we should treat each other apply to my treatment of him.
But often we treat outsiders better than those close because we are aware of what God's standard is for us to treat them... but that same standard applies to those that are close. I don't know if i am making sense.
I guess what jumped out at me was the kindness my friend treated her husband with. Do you hear how i am using the words,. Her kindness was deliberate not accidental. Purposely loving and caring for someone... yes forgiving and being gentle because you love them but also for a higher purpose.
Anyways i am still hammering that thought out... i am still thinking about what it means to always be aware of the glory of God and aware of the question "Am i adding anything to it?"
Anyways it is way late here... i must retire.

more might come in other blogs... maybe

What does it mean to live for God's glory?
What does it mean for every thought to be filtered through that mind set?

Brief turned in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rejoice, let the angels sing... i have turned in my brief for my atlanta case for a final round of editing. Rejoice rejoice. I rejoice!!!!!

You know what hit me though as i was working... slowly i am getting to a point to where this is routine... and hopefully my turn around time will get faster... heck let me be honest it has already gotten faster. Now if i could use that extra time wisely... well i am off to go eat, pray think dream before i go catch up on all the work i let slide.

rejoice

I must live in a wonderful dream!

I love my life
Right now i am sitting at Joshua's cup working on my brief (yes the same one from last time, revisions), on my screen is the Georgia Department of Corrections web site, and in the room with me are a few dancers. Tango dancers to be exact. And they are getting ready to practice and they are letting me stay in the room while they dance.

MY LIFE ROCKS!!!!!

This evening, while there was a cool breeze blowing, i cut roses from my garden. MY garden. Roses from my garden... (my garden!!!!!) they are sitting a vases on my table, one yellow and pink rose.

Clif cooked dinner tonight and we ate out on the porch and talked about life.

life is good

i miss dancing... the type of dancing where you feel your partner... there is this couple dancing next to me... the way they are feeling each other and can feel where the other person is going... there is a connectedness with them. oh i miss it, oh i miss it. i wish i could put into words what i see....... there is another couple dancing near me now... they have a soft touch... you barely feel them yet you feel them... like a soft whisper touch, faint haunting but very present. they are good but i don't feel any longing in their dancing... that is what the tango is about. it is about longing, wishing, for homeland for love for a better life. it is all about the long for more than this present place. and there is passion... i hope i see a couple dance with passion tonight.

4:38 am

Done with my rough draft of my brief

2 am

It is 2am and i am writing a brief on behalf of a real person... let's just be honest it freaks me out and i am a little bit overwhelmed... not sure if what i am writing is good law. Something my teacher said to us "good facts make good law, bad facts make bad law." I"m afraid the facts of my case are not the best... hum... not so good law... sigh
So today is a journey into doing stuff that really matters... and i find myself dragging my heels. They tell us that we owe a double duty, one to our client and one to anyone who might be affected by the ruling of our cases... hum... the stakes are a little higher than last semester... so i am procrasting... yes at 2am in the morning... :)

ok off to go make soso law... no off to make the law a little clearer! I am giving myself a pep talk
:)

will be back soon

This week's work load is heavier than normal...
after i turn in my brief i will be back.
i love y'all and miss y'all

Turkey... or I really should be doing school work

Well in an effort to avoid writing my brief I was going to catch y'all up with Turkey thoughts.

And as i was writing this I realized that i can not post it on my blog... if you want to know more of what is going on with my thoughts please e-mail me. I would love to have you pray and share what is on my heart and mind. I'm excited and praying...

so yeah, i'll catch y'all up that way... :) It's more personal. :)

On a lighter note...

Tonight we had our annual Brother to Sister event at the law school. It is an event where minority men and women get together to talk about relationships and the work world.

Well tonight one of the more heated topics was the issue of fixing 'your man' a plate of food. Man, people took sides on that issue. Tara was heated and determined that she was not a plate fixer. Personally i do not think it is a big deal. So what do y'all think? Would you fix your man a plate? Men, do you expect that your woman will fix you a plate? I thought the whole discussion was one of the more amusing things of this week.

running away

Well today Marianne started talking about all of us getting some land together, building houses, and raising our families together. And today I would have joined her. Oh ii miss them. I miss my Houston family. I miss my Houston community. Every time we get together as a group, or even talk individually, we talk about the closeness we had. And we wonder will we ever achieve see it again. Marianne said the thought i have said too many times in my head... "It would be easier if we had never lived it." Maybe. But I think because we have seen depth, because we have seen what is it like be close, to have people to chase God with, to have people that it is ok to not be perfect with... that is the reason why we search and desperately try to see it happen in the other groups we are in.

but it is not easy. The funny thing after my talk with Marianne is that i was given a new focus and energy for things here in Macon. I was inspired, challenged to see things differently. The funny thing about talking with Marianne is that I was given a little bit of focus about Logos.

She said comments that echoed in my heart. A comment about communication/contact so that we know that we are part of something greater, that we are part of the church universal. A comment about people not understanding that they are the church. that they are not doing a service but they are the church.

I'll be honest things are not perfect with my place at Logos... and in some perverse way I still know and believe that this is where i am supposed to be and i want to be there... and oddly enough when i look forward to coming home i am looking forward to them... but things are not perfect. Again I wish i had not had what i was a part of in Houston, because then i would not see how far we have to go.
ok watch out i am going to gripe out loud. i have been holding this in for a while but i have to say it.
I'll be honest it feels like i am being patted on the back and told (at the end of summer), "Good luck. Hope everything works out for you. See you when you come back." Hey can i have a support system? Hey can you be curious about what is going on in my life and not just about the church plant in macon.... there is more to my life than that, you know. There's the human part of me... Can you want me, me, nnena, not the fellow worker, not the listening ear, can you want me? Do you want me? Can i be worth the energy of pursuit? Or are you indifferent? Will you pursue me in conversation, and ask about my life and actually be interested. Can you be excited to see me, and look forward to seeing me? And hey can you actually say those things to me and not just think it? I feel better for having said that I have been wanting to say it for a while. But i have felt guilty and needy for saying it.

But you know what marianne and i talked about, or actually i said... i am starting ot feel less guilty for demanding asking that of people. But i am realizing that slowly it'a ok to ask that of people. Simply put, I need them. All my eggs are in this basket. If it breaks there is a lot to clean up. I am fully committed to them, i am not leaving... this is the part of being in a simple church that sucks... but when things work right it is also the part of being in a simple church that is real and alive...

anyways i have written too much.
I just had to get that off my chest.

if you read it to the end... thanks.

ok are you ready for the truly perverse part?

I am hopeful still
Hopeful yet

sick.
stupid chick.
:)
sigh... this is what happens when you are hopelessly madly in love with a people... you just want them to love you back.

hopeful still

I am hopeful today... against my will and against all odds i sit here hopeful. hopeful for what? i don''t know more life, real life, deep life. hopeful that i will continue to feel God. hopeful that things make sense, that there is a future and purpose. Hopeful that everything will make sense. That things will be completed in a way that i don't understand. But most of all i am simply hopeful of life.

i was sitting in my living room listening to some worship music... and you know when a song hits you? ok maybe you don't know, but songs hit me and carry me and make me think. and at the end of being in the living room singing the thought that ran through my head was this. "May i die knowing i have brought You glory. Please may i die knowing i added something to the kingdom."
Listen to the lyrics of the song that just hit me, really hit me... nothing complex but still true

We are Yours, we are Yours, we are Yours, we are Yours, we are yours...
we are your sons and daughters
you are our holy father
all our fountains are in you jesus
we open wide our mouths and You fill us.

something about the fact that we, i am his...

the next part of the song states that we are "made by You and for Your glory."

i want to understand what that glory is. i want to see it and know it. i want to die knowing i have added something and been part of his glory.

not too much to ask. :)

hopeful... i can not shake the hope today. i can not.

we are Yours, we are yours, we are yours,

i pray we live every moment believing that. i pray i am hopeful of that.

sweetness

It's been a good week... yesterday was amazing. Well you know i have been praying about my passion level with God and just connection, real connection, emotional connection... yesterday was sweet lover time with God. Thank you God for that! It was just good, so good.

and things are picking up here at school too... i will have to wait until i catch up with my school work to even begin to express how crazy awesome that is. I have had an amazing weekend or good conversations. One with someone who is searching... oh be praying for veronica that God will revel Himself to her. She is looking and searching and wants Him to prove Himself to her. More on that later

Thank you for praying about Turkey. Possilities are opening up with that. Please keep on praying. Again i will fill you in on the spesfics of what needs prayer.

Much is happening. Butyesterday was so good. The type of good that makes you want to cry from the sweetness of it.

what is old is new again

what is old is new again... so i am hungry for a new and fresh fire/passion/love of God. This week has made me hungry. From conversations with different people to listening to a recording of a friends friend... i have just been put face to face with wanting to glow and be passionate again... really glow... and really understand God as my lover. i say that this is an old new passion... i was talking with one of my girlfriends about the fact that i don't believe the glow that new christians have is only for the beginning time... we are to be passionate, hungry people always. I don't want to live the nomial life. i don't want to live the 'settled' life. i want more.

anyways i have lots of different thoughts rolling though my mind. One of them being a trip to Turkey... don't know why Turkey is on my heart but it is...

another thing rolling in my mind is the possibility of meeting people here in Macon to challenge me in having a life filled with fire. i was sitting in my living room imagining what it would be like to be surrounded by people who had big thoughts of God and were excited about what was going on... and i started praying in my living room for God to provide a houston like experience, life here in Macon. I got excited about how cool would it be if we were on track and started a house church here and my neighbors (neat family that lives next door) could join us. I got excited about people to pray and worship God with... we could do some damage here on campus and around us. i want that so bad. i am so hungry for it. i am hungry to chase God with someone. i am hungry to grow with people. i am hungry to do life with people.

so i am praying that God answers my prayer with a yes... and this happens. i see so much potential... and want so much.

so along with turkey thoughts (the country) came thoughts of what do i need to prepare my self and my heart to go. who would i go with? what would be my purpose... so i am praying through that. and if you are reading this blog please join me in praying through that.

this evening we had a b-day party for one of the guys from our section... well i went to a party that his wonderful girlfriend was throwing. It was good being back and seeing everyone. i have missed them and i have actually missed school... i didn't miss school before but i do now.
there is a different feel to the group. People are more settled and know their place. There is not an unknown hanging over our heads. And people are generally more at ease. there is less pretension going on right now... The party was interesting just from the view point of seeing how we have all changed. and also how much we have not changed. Clif made the comment that it was like we had never left. Getting into the rhythm of our life here has not been hard. Again i hope for much this year with my campus. There is a core of us that are meeting right now... and there is another group of people that i hope can be incorporated into our meeting times. I think we need an interjection of someone excited about God. And Rahaam, i think, could provide that injection. but we shall see.

anyways those are just some random thoughts from the peanut gallery.

around the corner

I am hopeful and not sure what lies and waits around the corner, but i am excited...
Today's mood is joyful, expectantly waiting. A friend of mine asked me "So what is Macon going to look like?" and my answer to him was "i don't know." but as i sit here i get more hopeful and excited. I don't what lies around the corner, and i am ok and glad of that. I feel adventure is waiting. I feel that life is waiting. I feel that the possibilities are endless... I feel at the edge of something, that my life is about to change in many ways and i have no idea how true that is... I am not worried or dreading going back any more. :)

school bells

It was good to go to Macon today.

I ran into Rahaam at school. Rahaam started telling me of the stirring that God is doing in his heart... and he made me hungry.
I need God. I am well aware of my need... The conversation that Rahaam and I had was about where he was when he was first saved and the time after that. And as time went on he became lost, somehow and somewhere. And recently he has felt a stirring. Rahaam then said "you know all i want is God." And you know what that is all I want too... I talked with God on the way down to Macon and on the way back. I don't want to be intellectually challenged by knowledge and only knowledge. i want to know because i am so passionately in love with Him i dig in. I want to glow and know and live that He is enough. i want to be otherworldly. I don't want to just exist. I don't want to grasp at people to fill only what God can.

Prayer request, i need people that are hungry about God and talk about Him. I need someone to breath life my way. I need life, real life not a shadow.

A theme of the weekend is God placing us where he wants us to be. Sonya said as much in the parking lot. “I am here because God wants me here.”
I was in the courthouse because God wanted me there. I am challenged in relationships because God wants it that way. His will is being accomplished, trust in it. I am at the point of hunger or starvation right now because God wants me to be. I think I try too hard to grasp at things instead of just watching waiting. The funny thing about this day is that I am at peace. I am at peace with this summer. I am at peace with this coming up year I am at peace with God.

Anyways what a rambling mess, just thinking out loud

randi's break up, underwear made from tee-shirts, and old friends

You know old friends are the best. They know you well, they cut to the chase, they can see things clearly...
Today i got kicked out of the office. Long story, gag. But Sandra told me to take the rest of the day to make a doctor's appointment. Well in the middle of finding a place to go i called an old friend of mine that i had not gotten a chance to hang with this summer. Let me say for the record, i love trey maddox. I just do. I was so confused in my head and trying to filter things out and i talked with him and my mind is straight, focused and i can see clearly now. Don't get me wrong, my sabbatical with God this weekend is what really set my heart straight. But talking with trey helped it all make sense. i love that kid.

Underwear
By the way this is going to be a random blog of sorts... i have lots of Sandra stories.

Sandra is my boss at work. You might remember her from previous blogs. :) Her life and family are so random. Let's start with her father. He is a hypochondriac. Then God, with His sense of humor, decided to make this chinese man have a name that sounds like 'so sick' in english. Then his sign is cancer. I laughed at this. Well you can imagine that the daughter of 'so sick' is cautious about health issue. She is convinced that i might have rubella. Hence why i was kicked out of the office.

Well Sandra has very inventive people in her family. Her grand mother makes underwear out of old t-shirts. Yes you read that right, old tee shirts. Her grand mother feels that you should not be wasteful. So rather than make rags like other more wasteful people, she makes underwear. I thought that was great. The fact that they had ostriches while growing up crack me up to. Who has family like that. There are other stories but i don't want to bore you.

Randi's break up.
Hum, Randi is a friend of Sara(co-worker sara, not houston sara)that i met while helping Sara move (this sunday). Randi just recently got out of a relationship and is still healing from the break up. Well she bumped into another friend who was in the same position as her right before she saw us. As they were comparing notes she realized what a parallel her friends relationship(MC) was to her own. They both try to control people and how that control killed the fun in their relationships. At the end of the relationship her boyfriend said something to her "You keep trying to tell me how to love you. if you would just let me love you i would love you more than what you are asking." That hit me hard when she said that. Because it made me first think of God and then my relationships with other people.

Thursday evening I came to a screeching halt. At core it had nothing to do with people and everything to do with where i was with God. I shut down. I had fought the urge to withdraw all evening and finally i just gave in. i had to retreat. I needed to be alone. And i realized that i had not been alone in a long while... and i realized that i had not been alone with God in a way that matters in a long while... and i realized that i was using people and relationships to fill up what only God could fill up. Wait let me not lie i realized the rest of that from talking with trey and talking with randi.

I am grappling with two things right now, How to believe God that He is enough and how to love people. And for some reason this week the two are intertwined. Because i can not love well unless God is enough. And I don't believe God is enough when i make demands on people that only God can meet. I am still playing with this thought in my heart and mind.

But how do you love as Christ? I could write volumes on that... this weekend has been a growing weekend on that.

How do you realize that Christ is enough?

Yeah, well i would explore this more but i have to take my rubella self and my mother to the old house to go do some cleaning.

It’s good to grapple and see truth. And i am oddly excited to see what God is going to do. It will be grand. :)

wait one more thing

wait one more thing
'Thank you God for over doing it.' My sister ubani reminds me that i should trust in God to provide... time and time again He provides in ways that amaze me. From giving me a free car, to money when i needed it for school, to providing a stipend when i was never supposed to get one... God over does it. I was looking at an old blog on the Logos website and i remmebered one of the songs that we sang at the sedar dinner. Translated it means "Thank you God for overdoing it." I sometimes forget that He over does it. If i have had only one person to love me in my life that would have been enough... but He over does it by giving me many.
i think i had forgotten graditute today... i know i had forgotten gratitude today. Thank you God for allowing me to enjoy even one moment of work... thank you God for giving me love every where i turn. God thank you for overdoing it in providing for my needs. thank you God for loving me so much.
Thank you God for over doing it.

it's been a while

I realize that it has been a while since i have written... and this will be a short blog. Hopefully more will come later one this weekend. I like my job now. Which is a praise. I realize that everyone wants to enjoy their profession. But i was talking to God about the fact that i don't want to just exisit at work. I want to like what i am doing... and He gave me an insane week last week, which i throughly enjoyed. And this week has been good as well. I enjoy a little bit of choas in my life. I enjoy having several irons in the fire. I enjoy being a point man and juggling people... yeah its been a good week.

anyways i would write more but i am tired and i need to unwind...

so...

So it has been a while since I have posted... and good stuff and growing stuff is going on.
Good stuff that ended my week on a good note was this... one of my co-workers is going to start coming to a discussion group (bible).
This past Saturday one of my co-workers asked me how was stuff with Logos (my church) going. So i gave her an update. Well Sara, another co-worker, was sitting at the table and unbeknownst to me listening. Well I get back out on the sales floor and Sara and I started talking about Tango dancing and other stuff. Then Sara asks me, "Tell me about your church." So i tell her about my church. and she goes "I'm searching and i want to learn more." So i tell her about the larger group that meets and the group that meets on Tuesday nights. I told her that there is a Buddhist girl in the Tuesday night group who is also searching. And she asks to go to the Tuesday night group. So the thought that is running through my head is "excuse God what? huh?" Earlier that morning as i was going to work i was praying for God to open my eyes up to the opportunities that were around me and to take them. Well i had no idea that taking advantage of opportunities was so clear cut. :)
Also be praying for work and people God wants me in touch with there. I was talking to a friend this weekend about trying to figure out my role in the chambers... and the thing i kept running into is the fact that i am not their peer. i am not... so what do i do? And the thing that was rolling around in my head was maybe my place is more with the other interns in the building. But how to reach them get to know them etc. Because to be quite honest there is not a lot of down time so visiting in other offices is not really practical.
Well on Monday i realized that i needed to meet some more people… and some of the interns with the DA's office were in our court room that morning. Well long story short we are going to try to start creating some intern grass roots hangout time. I say grass roots because we are hoping to spread the word to other interns word of mouth. Everyone wants to meet other people and hang out with them outside of work. So lets see what happens... after we all talked i realized, 'oh God that how it might work." lol... so good stuff

What have i been learning about God and life... hum... How funny God is... yeah definatly been learning that... um... this week with God has just been a constant steady presence... a presence that says yes to prayers in ways that make me laugh after the fact. It has just been good to be with God... i don't know what else to say other than God is good... when i find other words i will tell y'all

waiting expectantly for great things

God is crazily insanely good...
today has been amazing... I could not go to bed tonight without telling someone how great God is.
Today/tonight I had coffee with an old friend from high school. She was in town for the week and we wanted to have some 'face time'. Anyways we were catching up and i had not talked with another friend of ours in while. Anyways long story short, this friend had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend. I was surprised and got G's number from michelle and called her on my way home. Something i should tell y'all about my high school friends is that when we were seniors in high school only two of us were Christians. One by one God has been saving person after person until the non-christians are in the minority. Anyways this G grew up going to christian schools, her sister was a christian and her parents are buddist.

ok back to the story. So i call G and we talk for a while. And she catches me up on life and tells me about her break up. And then the next words out of her mouth caught me off guard. "the outcome of this is that I have been going to church and been reading these books that have caught my attention. At first i started going because of the music but now i listen just so that i can hear the sermons." what?!?!?! "the only way i could get through the day is to keep praying and praying." So we talked a little more about life and she gave this awesome analogy about her relationship that i think applies to so many other things. "You know i fly economy all the time and one day i decided that i was going to use my points to upgrade to business class. I am fine with economy class, there is enough room etc. Well I upgraded it on my flight back from England and when the flight was over i did not realize that 7 hour had passed. I never realized how great Business class was. I think that is how it was in my relationship. We were happy and ok I never realized that there was more. I never knew of business class because it was so far outside my understanding. It was more than i could imagine. The couples that are so happy so are business class. The couple that fall in love each day, i could imagine that now..." there was more she said to that analogy... but the thought that was running through my head was that maybe God getting your attention was Him placing you in business class. But i did not say that. Well it was time for me to go but i had to say something to her. i had to say that maybe this was God's way of grabbing, getting her. "maybe the reason why God had this happen was so that you could come to him." "you know 90% of my friends are christians... and if this is what He choose to make me curious to get my attention then it was worth it." we ended our conversation there.
Do you understand how huge this is? Maybe not. You see this friend was convinced that she was going to heaven because she was good. she had no need for God. But now she has a need... in all the years we have known her we could not make her see her need. It took God allowing her to fall in love, have her heart broken... and who does she turn to and who gives her comfort, but Him. And she acknowledges that fact. She needs him now. Being good is no longer enough. It took heart break to bring her to God.
You know it is so easy to give up or forget friends you have... long term friends are sometimes the hardest to reach mainly because it is so easy to not talk about Christ with them. God is changing and has changed the atmosphere of our group. people are open to spiritual talk... this is not the way i imagined my evening would end... this is not how imagined that G would start to move towards God. In fact i think i had given up on that. i know i had given up. But God had not... G and i are going to keep on talking. She sounded so sad over the phone, but sad and strong. She also sounded hopeful and moving forward. I can not wait to see what God will do with my old friend.
anyways i had to share
so excited... i am the type of excited that makes you cry. why is God so insanely crazy good like that. when we give up He does not. He had a plan for her this whole time. He had His timing this whole time. I remember being struck with God's timing a little while ago. I was reading in Galatians about Paul's conversation. And it struck me that when God was well pleased to reveal Him self to Paul He did (gal 1:15)... We wanted God to reveal himself to G in high school. Man we scammed and planned... instead he brought other people first, steph, jason, rashanda, katrina, jessica... and now he is bring G. So crazy. Don't give up, don't give up. God can save the people you had given up on. He really can do it.

Waiting expectantly for great things

drum roll...

Drum Roll please..... and the week has been good. Not because work has gotten easier but because God has gotten good attention of my heart and mind. I was talking to a friend a few days ago and he asked me how was work. And i replied "good. screwed up here and there, things have been going wrong. but good." and he goes "and what was good about it." "it was just good, different perspective."
So here is my attempt to explain why it was good. Thursday (last week) Sandra (staff attorney) came in to office with this cute little blue bag filled with cookies. She hands it to me. "Well you looked like you were having a bad day and i brought you some cookies. I really think if you take a step back things won't be as hard as you think they are." I look at her, say thank you and give her a hug. twice i gave her a hug. and she is right.
Sunday we have church and danny is talking about us as a church being lead by the spirit... and i was in agreement. Then Monday i was driving in to work and i thought 'when was the last time i was led by the spirit' i thought and thought and thought.... whoa... well space rider (nnena) had been doing it alone for a long while... and i realized that i was not doing a lot of following and waiting. rather i was going to God. "Ok God this is what i am thinking or doing You tell me yes or no." There is a difference between giving God a set of options you have chosen for yourself and following where He is going. Well that moment in the car was sobering. real sobering. and i went ok God i will follow you. Holy spirit lead me and i will follow you.
And the resulting week has been fantastic... i mean wonderful.
my God times have been so good and filling instead of ritualistic. my conversations have been wiser... even the debate of what i should do in some tough conversations i have to have.... but my time with God has been so good.... that is the good of the week... they have just been good. my passion, the old testament, has been coming alive again... its just been good...
We, our girls group, were praying weds night and a prayer came out that is so true... anything good comes from God we can not manufacture it... if there is something good God did it... we can not make ourselves good. we can not make ourselves less selfish, i can't make myself have the right heart... i have to depend on Him to make it right... i was reading in Jeremiah (don't have my bible right on me) and God takes him though an an example of what isreal should be. God tells Jeremiah to take a waist band and not wash it and take it and hide it under a rock. and then after a time God told him to remove it and the waist band is ruined... it will no longer cling to the waist. And God tells Jeremiah "So is isreal. i made her to cling to me." I was made to cling to God. I was made to be so dependant on Him for everything. It is not an insult when people say, christianity is just a crutch. heck yeah it is. and you need that crutch too because you can not walk either...
anyways i need to go because Erika my sisters best friend is here and we are talking.

well...

So the question is... was today any different with the shift of thought... yes and no... Was work any easier... no my Staff attorney corrected me today and I almost cried in front of her, almost... can't cry in the real world, emotions have to be handled and work goes on... but the thoughts that ran through my head were slightly tempered, key word slightly... for ever petty thought that ran through my head from thoughts of how to guilt her to thoughts of leaving after i finish my projects ran through my head. but for ever thought of sin came a thought of "how is this going to glorify God. if you do this it adds nothing to the kingdom. just hold through this nnena" God is going to be doing a lot of work in nnena. i have prayed for years for a quiet and gentle spirit... i guess that comes hard earned. i prayed for humility... i guess this is the beginning of the chipping away of the pride. i want to have true joy and peace not one that depends on the type of day i am having but true joy... what does Christ look like here at work? i don't know... but i am going to be figuring out... it is easy to be joyful when you feel competent, held together, and supported... its easy to shine when you are in a protective environment... but will i be light when none of those things hold true.
sigh.
i got a lot to learn... but it will be good and i want to learn.

make me worthy of the gospel

So what does it mean to consider it all joy when you encounter various struggles? Tha is the question I am asking my self this morning. It is 8:27am and I have a few minites before I begin work... and thought that i have been turning around is this... how can i glorify God today... now let me tell you i did not start out with this thought... i started out with God i hate not knowing what I am doing at work. I started out with feeling sick in the center of my stomach at the thought of coming in today. I started out wondering if i knew any examples of people that hated were they were at but still glorified God. And as the morning developed i had to ask my self is my joy based on my cicumsatnaces or on something else? What is the basis of my peace and joy. Anmd am i being joyful. And then i thought about Stephen who shone when he was being stoned. I thought, "Man i stink. I can't even be joyful at my job. How about if i was being persucuted for the church." And then the thought flowed into, how can i glorify Him here? Yes i have to deal with the issues that make work difficult but how do i keep my joy, my happiness, from hinging on what happens here? And how can i shine here if my attitude stinks? Yea I am not outwardly complianing in the ofice but i know it comes through...

anyways those are my thoughts... i will see what happenes today at work... God help me to be joyful inspite of my circumstances and make me worthy of the gospel.

short note

What is a christian place in social issues? Right now i am figuring out my theology on the topic... Today i had dinner with Ann, an old roommate of mine. She and i are going to enter into dialouges about social justice/theology... again the question is what is the christian role in society? Is the gospel only salvation of sins or are there other issues tied into it... Now before everyone thinks i am floating off into outer space let me state that true change, lasting change, life only comes from Christ... I still beleive that my calling (our calling) is for people to know God in a real manner (not sunday school christianity but life)... so what does that look like... but can we as Christian ignore the realities around us... such as racism, poverty etc... does the christian role in the world as being salt and light stop short of anything other than Jesus came and died for our sins. Is that the only type of light we are supposed to be?

Anyways that is what i am grappeling with right now... it plays heavily into every person I meet that is not a Christian... I think the best way to discribe the mind set of the people i know is this quote from a book i started reading. Here a young jewish man is in South Africa during apartheid. Gets into a conversation with the author of the book about how God is calling him to know Christ but one thing holds him back
" I looked at James [jewish young man] and replied ' James i beleive that Jesus Christ died ont he cross and rose again for you.' James 'I beleive that Ron i really do... I just don't want to be like the white Christians (black people too) here. They sing about the love of Jesus and the joy of heaven, but they don't care about justice in South Africa. If i become a Christian, will I have to give up the struggle?"

What is a whole view of Christianty? What is the complete gospel? Why did God punish the isrealites for their lack of concern about the poor or justice... what does that mean for the modern Christian.

I pray that this summer i learn about that... I pray that through Ann and I talking and exploring and being honest with each other we find some sort of soultion for how God is callig us. As i was reading today I was reminded how woefully little i know... and how hard my heart is. I will be the first to admit my heart does not break daily for the poor. my heart does not break daily for injustice. my heart does not break daily for people that go hungry everyday... what is my role in showing people all of Christ's heart. What is all of Christ's heart.

this was not a short note. :)

anyways i hope y'all are patient with me as i explore and think out loud... and please explore with me... talk back to me... i want to hear what you are thinking.

anyways i must go sleep

tomorrow will be more updates on work... let me just tell you working at the judges chambers is ever exciting... :) whether i want it to be or not. :)

till then

nen

like wet jeans

I love my family... they make any day better.
so up until I sat around with my sisters' i was in a funky, ticked off mood. Work chaffed. It chaffed like wet jeans on a muggy day... you know the type, where your jeans just can't get dry and they stick to your legs and rub you raw... ok so i am over reacting... i was just frustrated. I felt like I did not know anything, even the simplest things. The only bright spot is that Dan (the lawyer who is intering with me) said that the same thing happens to first year students working at large firms. They get tossed assignments and they do not know what end is up. I want to learn and I guess the best way is to toss you into the deep end... but dang I never came up for air... actually let me be honest here, my pride was hurt. I hate not knowing what i am doing. I hate it when people have to repeat them selves for me to understand them. And Sandra had to repeat herself often. I would explain what i was doing today but... its too long to explain.

so i left work and started driving and drove to one of my favorite pizza places in east atlanta... and i sat there and journaled and read my bible and I realized that i was upset because i felt stupid and thought i look stupid... and then i got in my car and drove home.. durn pride

my sisters cracked me up and made me smile... and my youngest sister was back from a mission trip... i love that kid, she brings sunshine into any place... and she made me happy again.

anyways i don't have any deep thought from God at this moment... i am going to go bury myself in my bible until i become a decent person again... might take a while. :)

anyways off to read and just be with my family.
tomorrow is another day

Week one at the court

So people have been asking me what was my first day/week of work like… here we go in no particular order

Uncomfortable
Exciting
Overwhelming
Stretching
Growing

What have I learned?
That my relationship with God, my times with God are not a talisman to give me luck
That other than Fulton county jail the court house has the highest concentration of criminals than any other place in Fulton county.
This is still what I should do with the rest of my life
The work here, mission, is big and hard earned.

This has been an exciting and often times frustrating week. We, I, have gone to not knowing anything and getting lost in the courthouse, fighting with a queen (more on that later) to have three projects that I am balancing and strongly considering doing work at home. I am not playing around or pouring someone’s coffee I am actually doing real work that matters and effects other people’s lives. Maybe I should remind them that I am only a first year law student… and do they really want to give me this much responsibility.

And in the midst of the craziness God has taught me lessons about Him self and our relationship together. Remember the whole my relationship with God is not a talismans to give me luck… hum I learned that this week.
Well as usual I get running and take on more than I should… and this week that meant going to the C store after working at the court on my first day. Well before I left Sandra was telling me that her goal for us was to be able to step into her shoes at the end of the summer… oh and by the way when it is the judges turn to be on presiding week she will not be here that Friday. ACK! That is a month away from now… um did I mention that I am just a One L? Well I realized that I had a lot to learn fast… and i had been running, running, running… well the first thought that I had the next day was, “Oh my gosh I have not had my time with God in depth and I am running around, and I have been neglecting our time… and oh my gosh then that means everything will go wrong at work today. And it is so important that I am on base with God so that the day will go well. And then I caught my self.

Who is God and on what basis do I have a relationship with him? Have I forgotten that… is it that good things happen when He is happy with me because I have done all the right things and I am in like Flynn with him? Is that how God works? Is my quiet time my lucky foot my talisman to ward away a bad day? Will I by having a good quiet time by having in-depth time with Him decide how the day will be? Can I control Him like that? Is that even His nature… doesn’t He always do good not because we deserve it but because He is good? Won’t things go as He decides they will? Is He sovereign? Nnena what do you believe about God?

So I calmed down… and yes several of these thoughts did flow through my mind.

It is so easy to look at life and go “Something bad is happening I must have sinned.” So if everything is easy then God is happy with you? If bad times come does it mean He does not love you? Or are there other reasons for it. Do not get me wrong I believe that there are consequences for sin but I think at times we give lip serve to one aspect of God (i.e. my reformed beliefs) and yet live our lives a different way… and if I am honest with myself what I live shows what I really believe about God.

Anyways I could go on.

I have so many impressions about the running of the court house… the running of the court if you will… there are so many characters and so much power play. It is amazing. Yet everyone wants to make a difference… they actually do. There is a real love and affection between the judge and the attorneys assigned to him. The attorneys respect each other and also have affection for each other, yes prosecutors and defense.

What about it as a mission field… wow… respect will have to be earned and I will have to live with integrity to make any sort of difference. And I suppose that should always be the case but even more so here. You have people that are jaded by jail house conversions. Where a guy in jail will write a letter saying he has been changed by Jesus and won’t the judge just give him one more chance. Some people are genuine in their conversion others just use Christ as a battering tool. You have assistants who plan their Sunday school lessons instead of doing work or helping relieve the work load of their staff attorneys. Actually almost refusing outright to do the work they should be doing (power struggles). There are people who call the judges and tell them that their ruling on a case was just not Godly…There are people who use church as a way to network for a job, people who teach Sunday school whose lives do not show Christ. It is amazing. Light, true pure light would go a long way here. A true scent of Christ in his humility and integrity could go a long way here. His compassion could go miles. His scent, his true scent… gosh can I bring his true scent in

And here is where it matters where I am with God… not as a talisman to make the day go well and write the perfect memo… no so that people can see Christ… you know we sell the Christian walk as one of two things. Wither we sell perfection for the sake of others or we sell perfection so that we can receive… and in a weird way both are right… when I am focused on God all is well. My heart is right, the world might be falling apart but it is ok because I have Him and he gives me life. He gives me life time and time again… and then there is a reality that I might be the only Christ they see this summer… and how can they smell Him if I have not been so in his presence that his scent remains with me. How can they see light if my eyes and heart are so cloudy that no light shines from me.

I don’t just want to do a good job there, though I do want to do well, but there is a greater and bigger reason for me to be there. Can I and will I remember it? Will I remember in the midst of life that I am 1. hungry for God and 2. they are hungry for God too. And when I east and breath Him deep I am feeding two, three, four people… can i remember that?
We shall see…

wow

So today was my first day with the judge... and when i have more energy i will write more. It was good and overwhelming all at the same time. I have a lot to learna nd will be given plenty of chances to learn... this is no joke... she wants(staff attorney) to have me ready at the end of the summer to step into a role like hers. um... wow... there is so much i could say but i have to go to bed.
night

Old Friends

Well we thought today's blog would be best done from the perspective of two people. This week Marianne, and old friend from University of Houston, visited me. I say that the crazy adventures that we had this week happened because she came. She's asks herself how do we even get our selves into these situtions. I don't know something about my Texas friends bring it out.

Yesterday we drove to Macon. And all night we waited for the water in my water heater to get hot. You see before we left Clif had put the water heaters on Vacation mode. Well the water never got hot and Marianne went to bed. Tired and wanting a shower. The next morning i go to wash my face. Hum, there is no hot water. I go outside and mess with my water heater. Hum it is not working. Clif's is working but mine is not. So i call gas company but they are not open yet. Hum... problem... Marianne needs a shower... So being the inventive first generation girls from third world counties that we are we decided to heat up water on the stove. Big pots of water. Mircowaves full of water... we boiled pot after pot because not only did we need to take a bath. Marianne needed to wash her hair. And her hair is long... very long. So we debated how to wash or not wash. Should we wash the hair first or the body first. It was a heated discussion. Finally we decided to wash the hair first. wait i'll let her tell you this part

Marianne's version . . . as Nenna begins her adventure of bucket bathing!

So I am hunched over the tub while wearing my PJs and Nenna is hovering over me and washing my hair . . . keep in mind that my hair was nicely being washed but it was so ridiculous of a situation that I could not stop laughing! By this time I was pretty much drenched in water -- my hair and the some of my body by now. Finally phase 1 was complete. It was a success. I would recommend Nenna as a hair washer . . . I was nervous at first since she is more familiar with weave, but sometimes you gotta trust friends . . . sometimes I am not as fortunate in situations with Nenna. This is a good time for me to bad talk Nenna because that is what you are really hoping for me to do . . . cause I got all the dirt from Nenna's H-town days. E-mail me if you need blackmail information. I can think of a few gems of info! :P Now this is the first trip to Atlanta where Nenna has actually owned a vehicle. I have been telling the folks in Houston how excited I was to not be walking my feet off this time around . . . boy was I wrong. Lets just say that she PARKED the car at the BSU and proceeded to have me walk EVERYWHERE!! We did have a wonderful time at the Georgia Aquarium. If you haven't been before you should go, but buy your tix online first (easier method than what we did).

Okay back to the bathing saga. I ending up using one bucket of hot water for soaping up and scrubbing and half a bucket for the actual rinse. It was an adventure and I am so thankful to be CLEAN. Whoo hoo!

Now if you haven't been to Nenna's bachelorette pad, it is beautiful and quaint. Everything is great including the breakfast that was served. If you plan to visit, bring your own hot water though . . . you don't want to get caught in the middle of a hair brained idea from the mind of Nenna.

See ya next time! I told Nenna that I am coming back only for her wedding. ~Marianne

Nen is back
Ok to redeem the walking story. While we were ta the BSU we were told that the aquarium was only a little bit away. I was skeptical but Marianne said why not. We would not have to pay for parking then. Hum... how the story has changed. And i also have to say that she needs to plan to come for my graduation because i am going to elope in Las Vegas.

Anyways back to the story... actually we really need to go and start our day. We have tons of non-stuff to do this morning. You know it is amazing how buckets of hot water can steam up a bathroom.

Well hold on for more stories later on.

Love
Marianne and Nenna (or nnena)

overwhelming, his love

His goodness is overwhelming. We do not deserve it but he gives it.
Today has just been one of those days. I was sitting here thinking of how blessed I was to have the teachers that I do. How well they love and support me, us really. And how sweet they were in their words in my letters of recommendation. It makes me want to cry. I don’t deserve such goodness, I really don’t. My dean was trying to help me find a job. Whose dean does that? Last night I had dinner with a girl friend here at school and we got to talking about my friends and family and how they moved me in. and she stated that I have good friends. And I told her I do have good friends and I do not deserve such goodness. Monday during my interview I was telling them about the people at the container store and how well they loved me. My family loves me. This week pretty much everyone has called to check on me. Right after my interview I got call after call seeing how I was. I don’t deserve it. Good gifts God gives good gifts. Why I’ll never understand, I guess because he is good and that is his character. But there are days when I am just blown away… and this is one of them… He is too good, too good. It overwhelms me.
Ok I need to go study for my last final.

grace

there is not too much that will be on this blog but this
the world is dying for grace. I am dying for grace.
I am still thinking about grace and truth. Love and truth... are those words really different words? So i finished reading what is so amazing about grace... andi am thinking. thoughts about unforgiveness and forgiveness. thoughts about what does it look like to give the same sort of grace God gave... so one day, on a later post maybe my thoughts will be more together and i will be able to share.

one down

Well i had the first final of the spring... what can i say about that... well I think it went well.
Actually let me back up from that statement. First off I have been so covered with prayers and love when i needed it... by people who did not even know why i needed it. Yesterday i struggled through studying and finally eneded up meeting with clif and mia over one of the practice tests. the conversation was good and relaxed me. And mia and clif helped put things in perspective for me. I don't want to work for a large firm, i just want to do well, and as long as i do my best that is all that matters. Then later on that day I got a love note from one of my friends from back home. Amy sent me the sweetest message with verses that focused me. Then i got a random message from a friend, julia, that said she was thinking of me. She didn't know why she was thinking of me (those were her words)but she was. I guess God told her i was freaking out. But yesterday was simply lovely. A day that rounded out with some good God time and rest time.

And today worked out fine. I got the nerves a little bit but then settled down. I answered what i could and moved on from what i could not. My grades have been and continues to be in God's hands. If He wanted me to see sub-issues that other people didn't, He will do it. I can't 'do' anything... Anyways I am off to go eat, run, and study.
Pray for me I have a conversation tomorrow about possible work and also an interview Monday for a position. I have no idea which i want, but what ever God does i know will be right.

Anyways need to go focus. It's been a good day.

Good Old Professor Ritchie

Well Professor Ritchie encouraged me to practice being my own worst critic, meaning i should edit and proof myself in my writing... Well i was looking at a narrative poem i had written last year and wanted to work on it. so here it is...


It was a beauty that almost hurt
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing
The sky was so clear and the wind so faint. It just touched my face and left my hands just a little bit cold. Not cold enough to drive me in... but cold enough to lull me in until I froze, not realizing how cold it really was… a gentle seduction of the breeze, faint with singing voices of outside. The crickets sang, low, deep. With the occasionally shrill sound… it rolled the song, you could hear it rolling and welling inside the cricket until it finally came out.
Yes, I felt the cold a little more. almost enough to drive me inside but I can’t. the sky, the evening, the beauty is too much to leave.
Occasionally I would hear the sounds of cars passing by, buses passing by, heading to some awefully important place
I didn’t want to go to that awefully important place. I was content just to sit here and write under the light of my porch.
It was enough to want to play around with words roll them in my mind and find out if they could come out and be something great. Something that caught the eye inside the mind the ear that lingers with the thoughts as you read a word across a page.
I wanted to see if I could grip someone
Actually grip myself
I feel the most alive when i write, when I think and dream and play around with words… sometimes I don’t feel outside of my words. Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I deliberately make myself numb and write of the emotions that are shouting across my mind
Like this one
I can’t have him
That is one emotion that has stayed inside my heart that I can not realize onto paper. I have tried in my journal to no avail… until now
He is not mine
And I hate that knowledge and that very fact. As if any one person could belong to someone else but inside I hoped that maybe my dream could belong to me.
I think that is why it hurts
My dream does not belong to me
I who dreamt it and played around with it in my heart and in my mind…
But there I have taken the emotions away I have killed my heart by making it far from me
It’s safer that way
Than to feel the hurt than to feel the burn that to experience and have what is only a shadow of what you want and you must be content with it.
But I am not content
And God knows that. He hears that. I scream it to him daily. I am not content with the shadow but I trust you with my heart… and I can not stop wanting what is not mine
To want
To have to desire
All of a sudden the outside has gotten colder. My fingers are colder, my toes are colder and I want to go inside where it is safe and warm.
But the beauty will not let me
I only intended to write of the night not of him
But the beauty draws me near
Beautiful
Drawing
Just enough cold to remind you that you are alive
And that death might come if you stay outside too long
But the beauty keeps me here
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing

To help my flower grow

This is from an e-mail i sent a friends about the children i babysat for tonight...

So unexpectedly I got a chance to baby-sit for Beth and Von. Mary Stuart is 11 yrs old and has cerbal palsy. Will is 8 and into everything… and we had a blast. First event of the evening was playing hide and go seek. When mary suart was looking for me she said “ where are you baby sitter… where are you, I can’t remember her name.” I laughed. We talked about how Mary Stuart is a princess. And I said every girl is a princess (you have to start them early otherwise they will not know that they should be treated as one). Will disagreed but then after much convincing (I had to do the whole daughter of the king dance) he agreed and said that he was a prince if she was a princess.
Later on we had to get ready for bed. And Mary Stuart has medicine she has to take in her applesauce. So you have to sprinkle the medicine over the sauce… they call the sprinkles seeds. So we made a song to go along with taking the medicine.
“Some seeds in the apple sauce to help my flower grow, some seeds in the applesauce to help my flower grow.”
“Who is my flower, Mary Stuart? Mary Stuart is my beautiful flower”

She lit up at being called beautiful. How is it that every woman, no matter what, understands and wants to be beautiful? She understands so little but she knows what beauty is. And she glows at the thought of being considered beautiful. And she is, honesty… if it was not for the cerebal palsy she would be a little heart breaker.

We kept singing the song for different reasons. When we were drinking some water
“Some water for my little girl to help my flower grow”
And bed time
“Night night for my little flower to help my flower grow.”
I love children. I love how open they are to love. You can be over the top extravagant and they love it. You can be silly and it makes sense

Will asked me to stay with him while he played his video game. Oh that got me…

Mary Stuart kept rubbing my hand and putting her head in my lap or on my shoulder. And she would just kiss me.
She is a beautiful girl, Will is a wonderful little boy. All boy with all the energy of a little boy… including flashing me because he knew it would get a reaction. “Will that’s not good…” “But you said you were too old…” “Will go take a bath.” And off he goes flashing his butt at me. Sigh. Y’all don’t change do you(boys)… if it gets a reaction you will keep doing it. Sigh.

But I know I will enjoy baby-sitting for them. seeing Von and Beth, being with the kids provides something I have been missing here in Macon, children and families. I loved kissing Mary Suart and telling her that I love her. And she is so easy to love, so accepting of love. I like crazy Will’s spirit, that he is ready for an adventure and at 8 has a pretty good sense of humor. He is patient. But I guess he has to be with his sister. Wonderful family, wonderful time, I needed a taste of family to get me through this next week. Let me be honest, I needed a breath of children… I miss kids I miss teaching them. Reading Mary Stuart her bedtime story might have been one of the highlights of the evening. Yeah I miss kids… the little boogers that they are.

Hum... something a friend of mine wrote on his blog is making my mind churn... the words were "pregnant anticipation"... and the thought that ran through my head was this...pregnant anticipation... anticipation, because life will be born... but the time before and the time when the life is born hurts.

his blog entry was about pain and waiting for God to come... Why is it that we... or at least i feel the most connected with truth with reality, with God at times of pain... i learn so much and life is so real then. And the good days are good, do not get me wrong... but there is something about pain that sharpens your eyes and makes you more aware.

and it is true the time before life is born hurts... and the process of new life coming hurts... and life is born...

and waiting for him is one of the greatest steps of faith out there... because you have to beleive He is there, that He is real, to wait for Him to help you.

thank you shane for your blog.

For anyone reading the blog. I would love prayers for sanity. Yesterday I added one more thing to my already full plate. I need wisdom to know what I should be doing as far as next year and also for mission fields... i can't do everything and i need wisdom on knowing what to cut out.
For this week i have a memo for my legal add that needs to get done. Supposedly we are supposed to have a memo for her before spring break about what we have discovered. I don't want to do a crap job on this because this case might go to trial this summer. Also I have to help write a memo on increasing diversity at Mercer. Um... yeah... both of these are due next week. I also am behind on my finals prep. Hopefully today i will have done two sample test and will have that in by friday. But i still need to do two other ones for my other classes. Sigh... feeling overwhelmed. But i will not push out God for the sake of trying to get it all done... so pray for me please.

anyways got to go do some con law. Yeah!!!! :)
love you all

nens

so i am forcing myself to write a blog... truth be told i have a lot of thoughts running through my mind... thoughts about the church, about life, about growing, about everything.

here are some random thoughts running through my head

It is the little things that make you realize how much you are like your mother. Take for instance this week. I happened to wander through home depot... i was just going to look at some tile... well three rose bushes, a bunch of herb, and some veggies later i left home depot. I could not help it... i walk though the garden area to get into home depot... and i stopped and smelled a rose bush. Did i ever tell you how much i love roses... well i do... i smelled it and (hum what words to use from the English language to describe how i felt)... i just breathed it in and it was intoxicating (such an over used word). It filled me. Augh i don't have the words. (maybe the word is sensual) But regardless it smelled wonderful, oh so wonderful. Well i decided to buy just one rose bush and a few other things... well as you already know i left with so much more.

how does that make me like my mother. Well Last sunday mommy and i were talking about how she could not give up her garden. We grew up with a garden... and i remember my parents outside tilling the soil and playing with the garden. Well i have realized that the only reason why my father was working in the garden is because he loves my mother. And my mother loves to garden. And i realized that as i left home depot that i could try to fit the urge but i am a lot like my mother.

Actually a few weeks ago i called her (my mother) to tell her how much i appreciated all she did for my 29th b-day. We (she) cooked. And when my friends asked her to dance she did, by her self not caring if anyone was watching. I love that about my mother. I love that she finds adventures n the little things, the everyday things. She was the one who taught us how to have fun no matter what. My mother is the one who loves exploring Atlanta, staring at the red moon and dancing at Thanksgiving dinners. She's a pretty neat woman.

What else is flowing around my head... well lots of thoughts about church and what it should be and who i should be. I have had lots of thoughts about legalism and also just life in general. Most recent thought deals with my eldest son(prodigal son) tendencies.
"The gospel is offensive to those of us who have lived the spiritual 'right' lives. Because the gospel says that the jonnie-come-lately, the prodigal sons have access to the same grace that we have. We don't understand it. It offends us. And in our little ways we block entrance to God until they have met the check list we have for them. Then it is fair for them to receive grace."

The thing that i have been struggling with is a understanding grace... this past year at law school has thought me a lot about how the world views us christains... how they feel condemn and judged by us... and how we are the last people they expect to receive grace from. And honestly at times we are the last people to give grace. Anyways i have struggled with the fact that the sinner approached and at times even sough out jesus... why can't the same thing be said about his followers? At no time did he just say that sin was ok... but people were drawn to him... i hear all the time the statement that people feel convicted by the light thats why they can't be around christians.. um well my question still remains "then why could they be around Christ."

Anyways i have been tilling this around in my head for a while. My fear and the thing that i look at myself (for this year at least) is where am i putting up barriers to someone hear Christ. Where am i condemning? Where am i being judgmental? Where am i becoming legalistic. When am i becoming intolerant of the different ways God is using people? Do i think that i have arrived and that i have figured it out? Because when i think like that i stand in great danger of creating rules and standards for other people that might not be what God is calling them to...

Anyways, thank you Karen for getting me back to my blog...

So i am blogging instead of writing my meno. (Thanks Karen)... this week has been interesting... mainly because it has been so busy but with pieces of just good time with people i love. For example this week has just been a good time at 940 Walnut. 940 is where i live and clif is my next door neighbor. I live in a an old house that was converted into a deplex. Clif lives on the other side of the deplex... hands down i could not have planned for a better living situation. About a few weeks into the school year Clif started calling me his sister and i feel like he is my brother. The first time we hung out we knew what the other person was thinking without even having to ask. Well this semster has been a busy and we have not had a lot of family time. And a few weeks ago we had dinner at my house and just talked and caught up... i heard a little about what was going on with him and God...

anyways we both signed up against our better wisdom for the Lawson oral competition. We pitched a fit every step of the way, complained, cried, and then put on our big girl pants (or big boy) and competed in the first round... and it went... well... it was not as bad as we thought it would be... but at the end of it we survived, egos bruised but wiser. Afterwards we grabbed dinner and just enjoyed each other.

Clif is an unexpected blessing to me. He is my gaurdian in a lot of ways and takes good care of me. He listens to me when i debate whether or not i should have a crush on someone. And actually gives good feedback. I feel completely comfortable with him and yeah... its nice knowing that you have someone in your corner who will fight for you if things get crazy.

Ok so it has been time at the house... it has also been growing time. This was the first time i was stressed by school to the point that was being totally irrational. I love law school. For better or for worse this is my calling and i really cannot imgine doing anything else. When i write my memos (which i am not doing now) or i am studying for a class... engaged in discussion(and i actually understand what is being asked of me) i am reminded how much i enjoy it. But it is wearing... and there are times when i do not realize i am worn down

there is a time for silence and there is a time to talk. I think for most of my life i have been silent when i should have spoken. and through amanda, my old roommates and trey i have been taught that if i care about a relationship i should say something... but sometimes silence is all you need. So i prayed to God whether or not i needed to say something... and asked that He would bring the right time and situtaion... and it turned out that i did not need to say anything... i won't get into too much detail but it was because of things going on with this friends own life that was creating the space. and when i learned that everything made more sense... i didn't need to be another voice adding to the stress for this friend...

it's been an interesting morning... lots of thinking, lots...

right now i am struggling to keep focus... honestly my head started playing resentful thoughts that were not even my own thoughts and i struggled and realized that that was because i was not filling myself my head with God. there is this saying i got from a childhood book, the girl in the novel is being told a prayer that her grandfather used to do, it was a prayer from the old saints. it goes "Empty me of me so that i can be filled with Thee." there is this void that happens when you are not filling yourself with Christ, and everything else flows in to fill it. All the time i try to live with out being totally immersed in God and it doesn't work. it just doesn't work. and i get frustrated and wonder why my thoughts are a certain way and well... i didn't empty myself of me and fill myself with God.
well i prayed, repented cried to God this morning. and i asked for his grace to change my mind. and he is. he really is....
anyways that is how this morning went...