running away

Well today Marianne started talking about all of us getting some land together, building houses, and raising our families together. And today I would have joined her. Oh ii miss them. I miss my Houston family. I miss my Houston community. Every time we get together as a group, or even talk individually, we talk about the closeness we had. And we wonder will we ever achieve see it again. Marianne said the thought i have said too many times in my head... "It would be easier if we had never lived it." Maybe. But I think because we have seen depth, because we have seen what is it like be close, to have people to chase God with, to have people that it is ok to not be perfect with... that is the reason why we search and desperately try to see it happen in the other groups we are in.

but it is not easy. The funny thing after my talk with Marianne is that i was given a new focus and energy for things here in Macon. I was inspired, challenged to see things differently. The funny thing about talking with Marianne is that I was given a little bit of focus about Logos.

She said comments that echoed in my heart. A comment about communication/contact so that we know that we are part of something greater, that we are part of the church universal. A comment about people not understanding that they are the church. that they are not doing a service but they are the church.

I'll be honest things are not perfect with my place at Logos... and in some perverse way I still know and believe that this is where i am supposed to be and i want to be there... and oddly enough when i look forward to coming home i am looking forward to them... but things are not perfect. Again I wish i had not had what i was a part of in Houston, because then i would not see how far we have to go.
ok watch out i am going to gripe out loud. i have been holding this in for a while but i have to say it.
I'll be honest it feels like i am being patted on the back and told (at the end of summer), "Good luck. Hope everything works out for you. See you when you come back." Hey can i have a support system? Hey can you be curious about what is going on in my life and not just about the church plant in macon.... there is more to my life than that, you know. There's the human part of me... Can you want me, me, nnena, not the fellow worker, not the listening ear, can you want me? Do you want me? Can i be worth the energy of pursuit? Or are you indifferent? Will you pursue me in conversation, and ask about my life and actually be interested. Can you be excited to see me, and look forward to seeing me? And hey can you actually say those things to me and not just think it? I feel better for having said that I have been wanting to say it for a while. But i have felt guilty and needy for saying it.

But you know what marianne and i talked about, or actually i said... i am starting ot feel less guilty for demanding asking that of people. But i am realizing that slowly it'a ok to ask that of people. Simply put, I need them. All my eggs are in this basket. If it breaks there is a lot to clean up. I am fully committed to them, i am not leaving... this is the part of being in a simple church that sucks... but when things work right it is also the part of being in a simple church that is real and alive...

anyways i have written too much.
I just had to get that off my chest.

if you read it to the end... thanks.

ok are you ready for the truly perverse part?

I am hopeful still
Hopeful yet

sick.
stupid chick.
:)
sigh... this is what happens when you are hopelessly madly in love with a people... you just want them to love you back.