With force

I’ve been praying terrible prayers about someone I care about. I started off praying for him lovely flowerily prayers. “God woo him, draw him in.” To "God take his life by force, shake everything he knows and destroy what he knows. Take him by force. Be like a terror on his heart. Pursue him and don’t let him go” God please don’t let him go.

I want much for this friend I want much. I want a life that is marked by the supernatural. That is more than what he is settling for. I pray that is life is unsettled until he comes to God. I pray that nothing gives him peace other than God I pray much.

But I pray those prayers for myself.

I will never forget the prayer for my favorite brother. God let him be miserable unless he is with you.

Tuesday I was running and I was thinking about that prayer and then started praying it for myself. But I guess against my will that prayer has become real.

God is not a simple idea, he is force that is relentless and will not let me go. He is kindness and gentleness and patience, oh so patience but a force that will not let me go.

I remember saying to God. “I am doing wrong. Why won’t you walk away from me? I would walk away from me.” but He didn’t He stayed… which made it worse, oh it made my struggle and sin worse because the guilt that he wouldn’t walk away kept nawing at me.

I remember this same friend asking me “why do you keep shoveling guilt…” And it is true, guilt is not the mark of Christianity. It is not the mark of grace or knowing you are forgiven… but it is the reality of a woman who knows she is cheating on her husband, it is the reality of someone who knows she is cheating on someone she loves. It is that knowledge that you are not only breaking your vows but you are affecting another person. Heck it is not even the vows part it is the honest to goodness knowing that you are being unfaithful to someone you love. There wouldn’t be the guilty if you didn’t love him.

I guess that is the one thing that I wish I could explain to him. If Christianity was fairy tales and rabbits then I would have never struggled with being with him. But God is not. He has never been that to me. God has always been real, present, touching me though I can’t see him. There in my heart in a way that I struggle to explain. Always who I talk to. A presence I feel and know. A personality and not just an idea. He is real and present… if it wasn’t for the fact that God is real to me then I would never have felt that I was cheating on him by being with this other person. Here’s the irony I would talk to Him about him… but never the other way around.

I woke up this morning thinking, praying, reading. I was reading blue like jazz… and I love his heart and the simplicity of what he writes. I have no idea if the stories are true or not but the ideas make me think. Ideas of the fact that there is no difference between me and the rapist, that there is nothing inherently good in me save Christ… good thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to be a force in people’s lives. I pray often to be light but I want more than that I want ot be a decision point for people. But for that to happen they have to be involved in my life in more than just the fun but in my very thoughts of God which is how is understand the world.

I want much out of life. I feel awake today. Awake in an eternal sort of way. Awake like I haven’t been in a while. Not content to just keep on living the status quo or to live in fear of others opinion but to love them more than that… to love them more than myself, to love them eternally.

Anyways those are the thoughts at 5 in the morning.

Good morning world.

Happy Father's Day

"It feels like the whole family is here" My sister Mary said that this morning... now mind you it has been the whole nuclear family in the house for the past two weeks. But this morning we woke up to the sounds of my baby sister's two best friends. Erica and Krystal.... and it is true. They are like the other part of our family.

That is one thing that I love about my family... the extras who become part of my family. My 'play' brothers have become my sisters' brother as well. D and Tony are as much my friend and brother as they are the families. It was so funny last night Tony was bragging about my fam (mainly my sisters) as if they were his very own. He is so proud of them. And I know that my sisters love them too.

It is good to be home right now. Weird because I will be saying goodbye but oh so good. Last night I drove home from Tony and Mel's house (yes my brother is married!!!!) and it was so good. I will miss them. But hopefully they will start moving to the west coast and so I will see them soon. But it is the little things that make home home. It is the crazienss of my house. Grown women chasing each other around the house wrestling, laughing, teasing, fighting, being friends. It's the sheer noise that a family of seven, plus additions, bring. It is having cousins all over the place and play sisters and brothers that my parents consider their own. Um it is good it is good. I think that I will have to have a large family... and in my version of family that includes all my husbands friends and their extras and my kids friends and their extras... and me and my extras. That is how my family does family... that is how I will do it.

Anyways Happy Father's day. I am about to go spend it with my family and our extras. yes the two friends are spending the day with us. It is rather appropriate for us.

in spite of me

Life happens in spite of bar review.

I called a friend of mine at school today to wish her a happy birthday. I asked her if she was taking today off. And she said she was going to but her sister in law died yesterday so she was just going to do work and watch a little t.v.

Wow life happens in spite of ourselves.

It’s funny how you get wrapped up into this little world of being self protective because you have to pass the bar and life still happens.

Another friend gave birth before bar study… and she is in classes with us studying away because she has to pass just like the rest of us.

It just hit me her sister’s death. Wow. Like that life passes away.

It’s the normalcy of routine that makes us push through

As I was driving into school today I was thinking about someone I knew. Everything had to be special and I was thinking about how things are special because they are a contrast against the ordinary the mundane. And I am not saying by any stretch of the imagination to settle down for a normal life (I wouldn’t be me if I said that) but there is a comfort in the mundane that allows us to get through to the next great or horrific thing.

Random thoughts when I should be doing my PMBR questions.

Wow like that life passes away. So was it worth it… what you were doing?

Good questions to ask myself as I move on to the next great thing… is everything I am doing worth it.

And maybe that is wht my friend is getting at, that if it is not worth it it is not worth doing… so only do what matters, what moves you…maybe that is what he meant maybe.

Here’s to doing what matters

Cheers