well so i am not as tough as i thought

This a blog that i had meant to post a while back... consider it my November blog.

Well, there are days when you just have to suck it up and go "yes, i am a fragile girl, and i break." I hate those moments. Last night we played flag football and as Yarbs and I were going for a flag we collided. My shoulder and her knee met, and I was the worse for it. I remember thinking as i was hitting the ground that “this is going to hurt.” and “Oh no my shoulder.” Well we left the game and i started trying to drive home. Um my shoulder hurt, it didn't quite want to allow me to drive. Hum... problem. It hurt when i went to bed, however but after having clif look at it he decided that it was not dislocated. Well i woke up in the night with it hurting and i went to the doctor. Long story short they sent me for x-rays everything is fine. But the point of this story... Well Don picks me up from the x-ray place and takes me home. His parting comment to me on my way out the door is "poor fragile nnena." I took his comment internalized it, griped about it in my head, and also acquiesced to the truth of the statement.

sigh.

I’m not a boy. I’m not as tough as you guys. sigh. it is like that moment when for the first time in my life a guy beat me in a race. (I will have you know that that did not happen until 9th grade thank you!) i was astounded, surprised, in disbelief, "he beat me?" and in typical nnena fashion i fell for him. oh puppy love. if you can't beat them join them. but i digress.

Actually this blog is making me smile as i type it. so many memories of nnena trying to prove to guys that she is tough... the grand master g memory jumps out. i know marianne and rach are dying laughing about that stupid fight. You see back in college i had this horrible habit of saying that no man was going to make me bend. Some how David Garrison and I got into this match of mental stubbornness of me not calling him Grand master G. I am laughing as i type this. We chased each other around the door. We got into a wrestling match. But i was not going to call him Grand Master G. Finally (after several hours, I kid you not) he whispered "just call me G, just call me G." because at this point he was probably tired (heaven knows i was) and just wanted to win something. So i called him that. But then i looked him in the eyes and said, "I never called you Grand Master G" Ah Nnena and her foolish pride.

Why at the age of 21 was i engaging in a wrestling match with a guy? Because i was stupid. Because i had to prove my point. Growing up i always felt the need to prove to guys that i was as strong as them. I was as tough as them. As a child i would pick up boys and throw them in the trash can. Seriously i did. I would challenge them to races. As i got older it was me trying to prove to them that i was as spiritually wise as them, and i could keep up and beat them in bible knowledge and understanding.

And some where tangled up in it were my insecurities of maybe not being pretty enough. But heck i am strong enough and i'll get your attention that way. Oddly enough that did work with certain men... but i digress. lol.

Hopefully as time has gone on i am not nearly as foolish as this. I accept help now... :) And i know that God has corrected my vision on a lot of things that had my mind warped. Such as the way i view myself and my femininity. Such as the fact that i don't have to prove anything to someone, it is good enough just being me. And maybe age has made me comfortable with my own skin. But it is more than that. God has delivered me from my broken perception of myself. I will never forget the moment in the break room where God truly healed my heart in regards to the outside and inside. I was sitting in the break room during my lunch and i was journaling about a whole lot of stuff. And somewhere in the midst of that i was journaling about how i felt about my appearance. Right before i started writing a co-worker was asking me about why was i not dating a friend of mine. And my reason for why was because i was not pretty enough to. i never said that out loud to her. The words that came out my mouth were "well we are not each others type." but what i felt on the inside was opposite of that. And as i was journaling it hit me, he loved me not because of the outside...he has been my friend for years and loved me not because of my outside... the people that loved me loved me because of who i was, not because of my looks or how i preformed and that was beautiful to them. And at that moment i believed what i had told tons of girls You are beautiful because of the inside, that is your beauty.

it was a hallelujah moment. i am beautiful because of what is on the inside. ********************************************************************************* There was going to be so much more written on this but i forgot to finish it. :) oh well. :) anyways off to go study international law. oh the joy of it all. two blogs for the price of one. Can you beat that? nope!