Double dipping

So I was on the Logos blog and I ran across an old post that is ringing a little true right now.
Everything that I am saying about Dean, insert me. I remember talking to my friend/brother after I sent him this e-mail. He, james, said to me... i could see God's heart in that, wanting to show us more than we want for ourselves. There is a quote from CS Lewis that is so fitting right now. I am going to butcher this quote but here goes "We are content eating mud pies when He has for us a vaction by the shore." You get the idea. He has so much more for us than what we are willing to try.

Part of me wonders if that is what is going on with me right now. I have this idea of life and what I know and I have experianced and I know that it has been good... but there is so much more. There is something new and greater that He has for me. But i am content to play in the mud pies because it is what I know and it pleases me for now. There is so much more, so muc h more than what I am living for. And I have no idea what the next step is but I know that I need to be in a place of discontent, uncomfortable discontent that forces me to be moved and used. I guess that is my prayer... to not be content with where I am spiritualy and to become so disgusted that I want more. Or to have my eyes opened so much that I see that there is more, that the athes God has taken me own beofre were good but there is new one for me.

Anyways read the old ost. What i typed up top will make greater sense then. Dreams... I want new, impossible, only God can fill dreams.

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Because God has a sense of drama... or humor... he has a knack for letting life play out the conversations you are having with a friend. Earlier this week i was texting back and forth with a friend of mine about some life stuff. Such as when God says no and the disappoint hurts... Well while I and this friend were texting I had the two little boys (age 3 and 2) with me. And at the time of the texting I and the oldest were having a bit of a struggle of wills... the whole time it was going on I was struck with the thought of how much my life and the conversation mirrored dean's actions. And below is the e-mail that came from the struggle.

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I had taken dean and elliot to the Indian burial mounds for a walk. We first stopped off at a smaller a set of mounds near the entrance of the park. After we went there I told the boys that I have another place that I wanted to take them. You see another part of the park was so cool and had an old lake that was slowly growing in with plants… there were cranes and other cool birds there. So we loaded up into the car and drove to the other side of the park. We got out of the car and started to walk up a set of stairs leading to the lake and other mounds. As we walked up the stairs we got to a point where we could continue to go up the mound or turn left and go down the mound to the lake. I started down the stairs towards the lake and called Dean to follow me.
“No Nnena. I want to go up the mound.”
“But Dean you have already been up a mound before I want to show you something new.”
“NO NNENA!”
“I don’t want to go there! You follow ME! YOU go where I am going!”
Really little boy? I am suppossed to follow you? Really? He was so frustrated and nothing I could tell him would get him to understand that I had another, cooler place to show him. And the place that he wanted to go was the same but I had something new, a new adventure.
“No dean we are going this way I want to show you something.” Dean started to pitch a fit.
“No I don’t want to. I don’t want to.”
“Dean follow me.”

And elliot and I started down the path heading to the water. The same water that dean earlier wanted to go to that had the cool birds and all sort of stuff. Dean reluctantly followed us. I had so much more for Dean to see… and Dean simply wanted to go up the mound. And not that it was wrong but there was so much more that I wanted him to see. I knew that it was cool around the lake and I wanted dean to see it. We would eventually go up the mound. And I even told Dean this… we will eventually go up the mound but just follow me, come see this, I promise we will go back.

So he followed. Dragging his heels. Actually he was almost a 100 yards behind me. And then elliot and I discovered a cool hole where snakes might have lived. (Looking back I am glad no snakes lived in the hole) And we started playing with it…. and dean slowly started following us. And then a huge white crane flew off and dean stood watching the bird.
“Look nnena look.”
“I see it dean.”
And then he came over to join us and played in the hole. And then we started walking around the lake the same lake that he would not come to earlier because he wanted to go up the mound.

And we started having all sort of adventures. Something was following us in the bushes…oh my goodness! :) And we went stomping about and gradually Dean forgot that he wanted to go up the mound. Finally it was time to start heading back.
“Ok dean do you want to climb up the mound. Yes? Ok let’s go.” And I let him race ahead of me and he climbed to the top of the mound while elliot and I followed. We got to the top and could see everything, the city, the lake we were walking around and it was wonderful and glorious and yeah great.

Dean didn’t trust me… but finally curiosity brought him to see what I was doing. And then he followed me. As everything was going on I started thinking in my head about our conversation… actually a lot of texts took place during the struggle between Dean and me. And I couldn’t help but see the similarities. Dean had what he wanted, a desire, but I wanted to show him something else something more. I guess that is where the faith is… do I really believe that you have something more for me God? Some thing better and good. Recently the idea that God has been tossing around this week is his sovereignty. Sara e-mailed me yesterday about how awesome and comforting it was that he is sovereign… and the thing we talked about that the God who loves us is sovereign and in control. And he is a loving Father who sees more than we see. That doesn’t stop us from being frustrated or hurt when he thwarts our desire… but do I believe him to still be good? And if I do what does that mean about the events surrounding me, the no’s that hurt. The people that reject… is that somehow good too?

The hardest thing about my walk has been trusting God with my heart… what if He disappoints me? I am always impressed with people who trust God and get hurt but at least try. At least you try…and I think there is faith in that.
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