Of Glory and Faith

Of Glory and Grace--Glory and Faith

It has been an amazing trip… I struggle with where to catch y’all up with… Monday was excellent, a good start to the week. I met with a DA in Oakland. She is a little bit older than me African American woman. She gave so much excellent feedback and assistance. Later on that day after leaving Oakland (which is not nearly as scary as people make it out to be) I headed towards Berkley to hang out.

Um why am I dragging this out… let me get to Tuesday ocurrances.

Of Glory and Faith…

Monday after hitting the pavement I went to Borders to chill and unwind. While I was there I asked about a few books and later on the guy who was helping me came and found me sitting in the aisle. “I think you would like this. He is a theist.” Now I will be frank I had no idea really what that meant… but it was an author that I had heard a friend of mine quote before so I was willing to give it a try. The name of the author was Soren Kierkegaard… the quote that played such a role in where my heart was came from his first chapter. Let me first set up the story for you. In his book ‘fear and trembling’ he is discussing the faith of Abraham… a beautiful discussion… well let me give you some insight on the previous days leading up to Tuesday morning. I had been struggling… no surprise there… but more recently there had been a misunderstanding between me and one of my contacts that pretty much took the wind out of my sails and crushed me a little. Ok more than a little. Add to the fact that the overwhelming nature of all the life change that is about to occur started weighing on me… and then there were other areas of my life that I was still battling God about… matters that are/were deeply tied to the heart. Well enter the whirlwind of Tuesday and the quote that grabbed my heart.

Tuesday was an off day from the job/contact hunting. I started the morning still a little teary, a little sad at heart. During the morning we rested and then grabbed lunch. Grace suggested that I go to the mission and look around and tour. She dropped me off at the first Catholic church/mission in San Fran.

Did I ever tell y’all that I have a strange obsession with Catholic churches. I think it is because they make me feel so small and God so great, it think it is the absolute beauty of it… but more than that it reminds me of the days when I used to go away with God and think and pray and dream and struggle at the old chapel of my college… but whatever it is my heart finds sanctuary there.
The recent thoughts I had in my mind as I was showering that morning was, is it greater perhaps better to be stoic? Is that a more true faith, to kill every desire? But something in my heart said no that can not be… there is something incorrect in the pursuit of stoicism… something inherently wrong…

The quote
“… for it is great to give up one’s desire, but greater to stick to it after having given it up; it is great to grasp hold of the eternal but greater to stick to the temporal after having given it up.”

Ok hold on as I grab the pieces of paper I started writing on while in the church.

I went into the church and sat there… and then I started sobbing. Sobbing because I was so tired, sobbing because my heart was so heavy, sobbing because I had not allowed myself the release of tears in a long time and I was tired of being strong having it together and i needed to break for just this one moment I need the peace that came from crying to God. So I cried and I cried and I said out loud all the things that were tying my heart down that I had only mumbled and whispered in prayers. I said it out loud and cried and cried and cried. I had to cry. I had to cry, I was tired of not crying. And in the church there was the picture of the Christ with the burning hear and I sobbed again… do I believe that your heart burns for me god? I don’t understand that concept.
“I don’t think the answer to unmet desires is stoicism but I think it is prayer. Do I understand you as the Christ of the burning heart whose passion never ceases. Your passion burned for God’s glory and for me.”

And my heart was clear and clean, clean like it had not been in a while. Do you know how good it was to talk to God out loud? It was good… it was good.

So I continued on my tour of the old mission and headed towards the front. There was a Filipino woman in the gift store. She and I talked of faith and the world around us of race and hate… and then before I left she said to me. “Never stop believing in God. Prayer changes things.” I smiled at her and told her “I know I was praying in the church…” and I know my eyes started to well up again with tears… and she looked at me, smiled, hugged me and handed me the prayer of Saint Assisi. Come any time you want to pray. Ok.

And I left clean and whole and ready to play in the world again.

I journeyed after the mission/church in a wonderful little coffee nock that I discovered in Castro… I won’t bore you with everything that was written but I did come to this conclusion…
“To desire is to give God your heart. Stoicism for me, at least, is faith in myself and not God… He (Abraham) loved God so much he gave his greatest desire and longing and what he had waited for and believed God for, to be put to death. YET he believed God would give it back. Was that a foolish child like trust? Maybe can I give You that Lord, yes. What else do I have to lose? Who else has the words of eternal life?”

So that was Tuesday. J exciting huh?

I think later on today I will add what happened Wed and Thursday…. Be on the look out of tales of wonderful generous friendly San Franciscans. Tales of wonderful connections, wonderful Italian men kissing my hand, and a maybe job opening and guidance… again it has been an amazing trip.

Till then