a little naked and unashamed

Before we go any further let me go out and lay this on the table. People talk about not over spiritualizing stuff… and I think I understand that. But my faith is not in a sterile bubble. The things I learn about God I learn from living life and screwing up. So accordingly I learn about God through struggles with the people I love, disappointment and guy stuff.

While I am at let me go ahead and get this also out of the way… I believe that God still speaks. You know let’s just put all the uncomfortable stuff that Christian don’t like to talk about on the table.

Boy stuff
It’s been quite a few days… filled with a jumble of things. I’ll go ahead and talk about the thing I typically avoid talking about on my blog… guy stuff. I know, I know… for those of you from Houston you are probably astonished, “She thinks about boys?!” Yeah I do, kind of attracted to them, go figure. And today’s sermon, or talk, by Bob today was a good ‘come to Jesus’ moment for me. Long story short, Bob spoke about Abram and Sari’s journey to Egypt. He highlighted the fact that they left the Promised Land to go in search of a place where they would be fed. You see there was a drought and they needed food…. Anyways before they got to Egypt Abrah was afraid that when they say how beautiful his wife was they would kill him and take her… so he devised a plan. Anywas let me get to the root of this whole discussion. We started talking about lack of faith leading to sin (yes I know lack of faith is sin by itself but just hold on let me finish)… and how the sin effects everyone. And how in trying to save himself her brought destruction on other people and made others sin (adultery). In trying to save himself, become his own salvation instead of trusting that God would save him he tried to create his own way out, both from the famine and also from being killed by the Pharoh.

That struck a rather recent cord inside of me. For those of you who do not know I try so hard to control my emotions. I try so hard to predict what the future is going to be and then guide my heart towards it.

A long time ago, maybe a decade ago, I remember talking to God about guy stuff and wondering what about this dude and … He just stopped me and it was as if He was laughing and saying “What I will do will surprise you and be better than anything you can imagine.” It was weird like a soft gentle amusement and a knowledge that he was going to surprise me… I can’t explain it more than that.

So you would think that I would live the comfort of his promise right? No I don’t, what I do instead is go “God what about this guy.” And I travel down to Egypt to make my own salvation. And I present to Him a guy, willing Him to make this guy be the one. No Nnena not that one or the others you have brought me. And after the fact I am glad nothing happens and that they are not the one… because somehow my myopic vision (stole that straight from Brit) will not let me see the things about them that make ‘us’ so unsuitable.

I can’t see into the heart of a man… heck I can’t see into my own heart… but I’ve got to stop presenting guys to God and going, “Well what about this one.”

God I want to stop wondering and live in the moment of… and maybe the guy that I am curious about currently is the one… or maybe he is someone that should become a friend and nothing more. but I need to let God make that determination instead of myself. I like to slot people into where I think they belong. Why don’t I let God be the one who slots it?

So I am so desperately going to let God be the one who slots it. To answer the question, yes there is/was someone I was curious about… but I am not going to stress about it. you know I would like to become friends with him first and yeah… whatever God wills. J


Struggles with people I love… at least I think I still love her.

What am I going to do about B.O.? I am not talking about Body Oder but one of my girls…

Anyways God gave me a real good physical understanding of where He wants me to be next and it directly relates to her and also to my practice (law).

So Thursday I had my trial. We put our heart and souls into it… and busted our hearts. Anushka, my co-counsel, was amazing, absolutely amazing. And my heart was crushed when the jury returned a verdict for the other side. All evening long I thought about what could I have done differently, what happened… did we not connect? I just did not get it. The next morning I woke up thinking about it still. And I went over what the jury said to us afterward, too long, get to the point, aggressive (Anushka, they though 95 pound 5’1’’ Anushka was too aggressive when she leaned against the bench. Really? Whatever), but the thing that finally clicked was this fact. We never connected with our jury. We were trying out case to the judge, our peers out teacher, but at no point were we trying out case to them. We didn’t show them the evidence or explain the case to them… the jury was just incidental.

Well fast forward to Saturday morning… and I was laying in my bed mentally gripping about BO. I was thinking of all the different ways to make her understand how wrong she was… and then it hit me… again I am trying my case to the wrong person…I am trying to make her see how the things she is doing is sinful and xyz and I am trying to convince her… rather than loving her and talking to her out of obedience to Christ. Is that still murky? Let me explain the connection between the two. Who am I living my life for, not just whose approval but who am I living out my life for? Whose approval and joy am I living for? And it became apparent to me that I am living my life for the wrong audience. Am I living to impress this person, appear holy, make this person see their sin because that is what I am supposed to do… or am I doing the things I do because God calls me and tells me and guides me and oh by the way it is honoring and glorifying to him. I am not sure if this is making sense at all.

So where does that put me… confused and not sure what the next step is to living my life for the right audience.

Anyways there is a little of what is going on in my world. I’ll keep to y’all updated but finals are quickly approaching. So we shall see how quickly y’all are updated. :)

Till then
nen