will be back soon

This week's work load is heavier than normal...
after i turn in my brief i will be back.
i love y'all and miss y'all

Turkey... or I really should be doing school work

Well in an effort to avoid writing my brief I was going to catch y'all up with Turkey thoughts.

And as i was writing this I realized that i can not post it on my blog... if you want to know more of what is going on with my thoughts please e-mail me. I would love to have you pray and share what is on my heart and mind. I'm excited and praying...

so yeah, i'll catch y'all up that way... :) It's more personal. :)

On a lighter note...

Tonight we had our annual Brother to Sister event at the law school. It is an event where minority men and women get together to talk about relationships and the work world.

Well tonight one of the more heated topics was the issue of fixing 'your man' a plate of food. Man, people took sides on that issue. Tara was heated and determined that she was not a plate fixer. Personally i do not think it is a big deal. So what do y'all think? Would you fix your man a plate? Men, do you expect that your woman will fix you a plate? I thought the whole discussion was one of the more amusing things of this week.

running away

Well today Marianne started talking about all of us getting some land together, building houses, and raising our families together. And today I would have joined her. Oh ii miss them. I miss my Houston family. I miss my Houston community. Every time we get together as a group, or even talk individually, we talk about the closeness we had. And we wonder will we ever achieve see it again. Marianne said the thought i have said too many times in my head... "It would be easier if we had never lived it." Maybe. But I think because we have seen depth, because we have seen what is it like be close, to have people to chase God with, to have people that it is ok to not be perfect with... that is the reason why we search and desperately try to see it happen in the other groups we are in.

but it is not easy. The funny thing after my talk with Marianne is that i was given a new focus and energy for things here in Macon. I was inspired, challenged to see things differently. The funny thing about talking with Marianne is that I was given a little bit of focus about Logos.

She said comments that echoed in my heart. A comment about communication/contact so that we know that we are part of something greater, that we are part of the church universal. A comment about people not understanding that they are the church. that they are not doing a service but they are the church.

I'll be honest things are not perfect with my place at Logos... and in some perverse way I still know and believe that this is where i am supposed to be and i want to be there... and oddly enough when i look forward to coming home i am looking forward to them... but things are not perfect. Again I wish i had not had what i was a part of in Houston, because then i would not see how far we have to go.
ok watch out i am going to gripe out loud. i have been holding this in for a while but i have to say it.
I'll be honest it feels like i am being patted on the back and told (at the end of summer), "Good luck. Hope everything works out for you. See you when you come back." Hey can i have a support system? Hey can you be curious about what is going on in my life and not just about the church plant in macon.... there is more to my life than that, you know. There's the human part of me... Can you want me, me, nnena, not the fellow worker, not the listening ear, can you want me? Do you want me? Can i be worth the energy of pursuit? Or are you indifferent? Will you pursue me in conversation, and ask about my life and actually be interested. Can you be excited to see me, and look forward to seeing me? And hey can you actually say those things to me and not just think it? I feel better for having said that I have been wanting to say it for a while. But i have felt guilty and needy for saying it.

But you know what marianne and i talked about, or actually i said... i am starting ot feel less guilty for demanding asking that of people. But i am realizing that slowly it'a ok to ask that of people. Simply put, I need them. All my eggs are in this basket. If it breaks there is a lot to clean up. I am fully committed to them, i am not leaving... this is the part of being in a simple church that sucks... but when things work right it is also the part of being in a simple church that is real and alive...

anyways i have written too much.
I just had to get that off my chest.

if you read it to the end... thanks.

ok are you ready for the truly perverse part?

I am hopeful still
Hopeful yet

sick.
stupid chick.
:)
sigh... this is what happens when you are hopelessly madly in love with a people... you just want them to love you back.

hopeful still

I am hopeful today... against my will and against all odds i sit here hopeful. hopeful for what? i don''t know more life, real life, deep life. hopeful that i will continue to feel God. hopeful that things make sense, that there is a future and purpose. Hopeful that everything will make sense. That things will be completed in a way that i don't understand. But most of all i am simply hopeful of life.

i was sitting in my living room listening to some worship music... and you know when a song hits you? ok maybe you don't know, but songs hit me and carry me and make me think. and at the end of being in the living room singing the thought that ran through my head was this. "May i die knowing i have brought You glory. Please may i die knowing i added something to the kingdom."
Listen to the lyrics of the song that just hit me, really hit me... nothing complex but still true

We are Yours, we are Yours, we are Yours, we are Yours, we are yours...
we are your sons and daughters
you are our holy father
all our fountains are in you jesus
we open wide our mouths and You fill us.

something about the fact that we, i am his...

the next part of the song states that we are "made by You and for Your glory."

i want to understand what that glory is. i want to see it and know it. i want to die knowing i have added something and been part of his glory.

not too much to ask. :)

hopeful... i can not shake the hope today. i can not.

we are Yours, we are yours, we are yours,

i pray we live every moment believing that. i pray i am hopeful of that.

sweetness

It's been a good week... yesterday was amazing. Well you know i have been praying about my passion level with God and just connection, real connection, emotional connection... yesterday was sweet lover time with God. Thank you God for that! It was just good, so good.

and things are picking up here at school too... i will have to wait until i catch up with my school work to even begin to express how crazy awesome that is. I have had an amazing weekend or good conversations. One with someone who is searching... oh be praying for veronica that God will revel Himself to her. She is looking and searching and wants Him to prove Himself to her. More on that later

Thank you for praying about Turkey. Possilities are opening up with that. Please keep on praying. Again i will fill you in on the spesfics of what needs prayer.

Much is happening. Butyesterday was so good. The type of good that makes you want to cry from the sweetness of it.

what is old is new again

what is old is new again... so i am hungry for a new and fresh fire/passion/love of God. This week has made me hungry. From conversations with different people to listening to a recording of a friends friend... i have just been put face to face with wanting to glow and be passionate again... really glow... and really understand God as my lover. i say that this is an old new passion... i was talking with one of my girlfriends about the fact that i don't believe the glow that new christians have is only for the beginning time... we are to be passionate, hungry people always. I don't want to live the nomial life. i don't want to live the 'settled' life. i want more.

anyways i have lots of different thoughts rolling though my mind. One of them being a trip to Turkey... don't know why Turkey is on my heart but it is...

another thing rolling in my mind is the possibility of meeting people here in Macon to challenge me in having a life filled with fire. i was sitting in my living room imagining what it would be like to be surrounded by people who had big thoughts of God and were excited about what was going on... and i started praying in my living room for God to provide a houston like experience, life here in Macon. I got excited about how cool would it be if we were on track and started a house church here and my neighbors (neat family that lives next door) could join us. I got excited about people to pray and worship God with... we could do some damage here on campus and around us. i want that so bad. i am so hungry for it. i am hungry to chase God with someone. i am hungry to grow with people. i am hungry to do life with people.

so i am praying that God answers my prayer with a yes... and this happens. i see so much potential... and want so much.

so along with turkey thoughts (the country) came thoughts of what do i need to prepare my self and my heart to go. who would i go with? what would be my purpose... so i am praying through that. and if you are reading this blog please join me in praying through that.

this evening we had a b-day party for one of the guys from our section... well i went to a party that his wonderful girlfriend was throwing. It was good being back and seeing everyone. i have missed them and i have actually missed school... i didn't miss school before but i do now.
there is a different feel to the group. People are more settled and know their place. There is not an unknown hanging over our heads. And people are generally more at ease. there is less pretension going on right now... The party was interesting just from the view point of seeing how we have all changed. and also how much we have not changed. Clif made the comment that it was like we had never left. Getting into the rhythm of our life here has not been hard. Again i hope for much this year with my campus. There is a core of us that are meeting right now... and there is another group of people that i hope can be incorporated into our meeting times. I think we need an interjection of someone excited about God. And Rahaam, i think, could provide that injection. but we shall see.

anyways those are just some random thoughts from the peanut gallery.

around the corner

I am hopeful and not sure what lies and waits around the corner, but i am excited...
Today's mood is joyful, expectantly waiting. A friend of mine asked me "So what is Macon going to look like?" and my answer to him was "i don't know." but as i sit here i get more hopeful and excited. I don't what lies around the corner, and i am ok and glad of that. I feel adventure is waiting. I feel that life is waiting. I feel that the possibilities are endless... I feel at the edge of something, that my life is about to change in many ways and i have no idea how true that is... I am not worried or dreading going back any more. :)

school bells

It was good to go to Macon today.

I ran into Rahaam at school. Rahaam started telling me of the stirring that God is doing in his heart... and he made me hungry.
I need God. I am well aware of my need... The conversation that Rahaam and I had was about where he was when he was first saved and the time after that. And as time went on he became lost, somehow and somewhere. And recently he has felt a stirring. Rahaam then said "you know all i want is God." And you know what that is all I want too... I talked with God on the way down to Macon and on the way back. I don't want to be intellectually challenged by knowledge and only knowledge. i want to know because i am so passionately in love with Him i dig in. I want to glow and know and live that He is enough. i want to be otherworldly. I don't want to just exist. I don't want to grasp at people to fill only what God can.

Prayer request, i need people that are hungry about God and talk about Him. I need someone to breath life my way. I need life, real life not a shadow.

A theme of the weekend is God placing us where he wants us to be. Sonya said as much in the parking lot. “I am here because God wants me here.”
I was in the courthouse because God wanted me there. I am challenged in relationships because God wants it that way. His will is being accomplished, trust in it. I am at the point of hunger or starvation right now because God wants me to be. I think I try too hard to grasp at things instead of just watching waiting. The funny thing about this day is that I am at peace. I am at peace with this summer. I am at peace with this coming up year I am at peace with God.

Anyways what a rambling mess, just thinking out loud

randi's break up, underwear made from tee-shirts, and old friends

You know old friends are the best. They know you well, they cut to the chase, they can see things clearly...
Today i got kicked out of the office. Long story, gag. But Sandra told me to take the rest of the day to make a doctor's appointment. Well in the middle of finding a place to go i called an old friend of mine that i had not gotten a chance to hang with this summer. Let me say for the record, i love trey maddox. I just do. I was so confused in my head and trying to filter things out and i talked with him and my mind is straight, focused and i can see clearly now. Don't get me wrong, my sabbatical with God this weekend is what really set my heart straight. But talking with trey helped it all make sense. i love that kid.

Underwear
By the way this is going to be a random blog of sorts... i have lots of Sandra stories.

Sandra is my boss at work. You might remember her from previous blogs. :) Her life and family are so random. Let's start with her father. He is a hypochondriac. Then God, with His sense of humor, decided to make this chinese man have a name that sounds like 'so sick' in english. Then his sign is cancer. I laughed at this. Well you can imagine that the daughter of 'so sick' is cautious about health issue. She is convinced that i might have rubella. Hence why i was kicked out of the office.

Well Sandra has very inventive people in her family. Her grand mother makes underwear out of old t-shirts. Yes you read that right, old tee shirts. Her grand mother feels that you should not be wasteful. So rather than make rags like other more wasteful people, she makes underwear. I thought that was great. The fact that they had ostriches while growing up crack me up to. Who has family like that. There are other stories but i don't want to bore you.

Randi's break up.
Hum, Randi is a friend of Sara(co-worker sara, not houston sara)that i met while helping Sara move (this sunday). Randi just recently got out of a relationship and is still healing from the break up. Well she bumped into another friend who was in the same position as her right before she saw us. As they were comparing notes she realized what a parallel her friends relationship(MC) was to her own. They both try to control people and how that control killed the fun in their relationships. At the end of the relationship her boyfriend said something to her "You keep trying to tell me how to love you. if you would just let me love you i would love you more than what you are asking." That hit me hard when she said that. Because it made me first think of God and then my relationships with other people.

Thursday evening I came to a screeching halt. At core it had nothing to do with people and everything to do with where i was with God. I shut down. I had fought the urge to withdraw all evening and finally i just gave in. i had to retreat. I needed to be alone. And i realized that i had not been alone in a long while... and i realized that i had not been alone with God in a way that matters in a long while... and i realized that i was using people and relationships to fill up what only God could fill up. Wait let me not lie i realized the rest of that from talking with trey and talking with randi.

I am grappling with two things right now, How to believe God that He is enough and how to love people. And for some reason this week the two are intertwined. Because i can not love well unless God is enough. And I don't believe God is enough when i make demands on people that only God can meet. I am still playing with this thought in my heart and mind.

But how do you love as Christ? I could write volumes on that... this weekend has been a growing weekend on that.

How do you realize that Christ is enough?

Yeah, well i would explore this more but i have to take my rubella self and my mother to the old house to go do some cleaning.

It’s good to grapple and see truth. And i am oddly excited to see what God is going to do. It will be grand. :)

wait one more thing

wait one more thing
'Thank you God for over doing it.' My sister ubani reminds me that i should trust in God to provide... time and time again He provides in ways that amaze me. From giving me a free car, to money when i needed it for school, to providing a stipend when i was never supposed to get one... God over does it. I was looking at an old blog on the Logos website and i remmebered one of the songs that we sang at the sedar dinner. Translated it means "Thank you God for overdoing it." I sometimes forget that He over does it. If i have had only one person to love me in my life that would have been enough... but He over does it by giving me many.
i think i had forgotten graditute today... i know i had forgotten gratitude today. Thank you God for allowing me to enjoy even one moment of work... thank you God for giving me love every where i turn. God thank you for overdoing it in providing for my needs. thank you God for loving me so much.
Thank you God for over doing it.

it's been a while

I realize that it has been a while since i have written... and this will be a short blog. Hopefully more will come later one this weekend. I like my job now. Which is a praise. I realize that everyone wants to enjoy their profession. But i was talking to God about the fact that i don't want to just exisit at work. I want to like what i am doing... and He gave me an insane week last week, which i throughly enjoyed. And this week has been good as well. I enjoy a little bit of choas in my life. I enjoy having several irons in the fire. I enjoy being a point man and juggling people... yeah its been a good week.

anyways i would write more but i am tired and i need to unwind...

so...

So it has been a while since I have posted... and good stuff and growing stuff is going on.
Good stuff that ended my week on a good note was this... one of my co-workers is going to start coming to a discussion group (bible).
This past Saturday one of my co-workers asked me how was stuff with Logos (my church) going. So i gave her an update. Well Sara, another co-worker, was sitting at the table and unbeknownst to me listening. Well I get back out on the sales floor and Sara and I started talking about Tango dancing and other stuff. Then Sara asks me, "Tell me about your church." So i tell her about my church. and she goes "I'm searching and i want to learn more." So i tell her about the larger group that meets and the group that meets on Tuesday nights. I told her that there is a Buddhist girl in the Tuesday night group who is also searching. And she asks to go to the Tuesday night group. So the thought that is running through my head is "excuse God what? huh?" Earlier that morning as i was going to work i was praying for God to open my eyes up to the opportunities that were around me and to take them. Well i had no idea that taking advantage of opportunities was so clear cut. :)
Also be praying for work and people God wants me in touch with there. I was talking to a friend this weekend about trying to figure out my role in the chambers... and the thing i kept running into is the fact that i am not their peer. i am not... so what do i do? And the thing that was rolling around in my head was maybe my place is more with the other interns in the building. But how to reach them get to know them etc. Because to be quite honest there is not a lot of down time so visiting in other offices is not really practical.
Well on Monday i realized that i needed to meet some more people… and some of the interns with the DA's office were in our court room that morning. Well long story short we are going to try to start creating some intern grass roots hangout time. I say grass roots because we are hoping to spread the word to other interns word of mouth. Everyone wants to meet other people and hang out with them outside of work. So lets see what happens... after we all talked i realized, 'oh God that how it might work." lol... so good stuff

What have i been learning about God and life... hum... How funny God is... yeah definatly been learning that... um... this week with God has just been a constant steady presence... a presence that says yes to prayers in ways that make me laugh after the fact. It has just been good to be with God... i don't know what else to say other than God is good... when i find other words i will tell y'all

waiting expectantly for great things

God is crazily insanely good...
today has been amazing... I could not go to bed tonight without telling someone how great God is.
Today/tonight I had coffee with an old friend from high school. She was in town for the week and we wanted to have some 'face time'. Anyways we were catching up and i had not talked with another friend of ours in while. Anyways long story short, this friend had recently broken up with her long term boyfriend. I was surprised and got G's number from michelle and called her on my way home. Something i should tell y'all about my high school friends is that when we were seniors in high school only two of us were Christians. One by one God has been saving person after person until the non-christians are in the minority. Anyways this G grew up going to christian schools, her sister was a christian and her parents are buddist.

ok back to the story. So i call G and we talk for a while. And she catches me up on life and tells me about her break up. And then the next words out of her mouth caught me off guard. "the outcome of this is that I have been going to church and been reading these books that have caught my attention. At first i started going because of the music but now i listen just so that i can hear the sermons." what?!?!?! "the only way i could get through the day is to keep praying and praying." So we talked a little more about life and she gave this awesome analogy about her relationship that i think applies to so many other things. "You know i fly economy all the time and one day i decided that i was going to use my points to upgrade to business class. I am fine with economy class, there is enough room etc. Well I upgraded it on my flight back from England and when the flight was over i did not realize that 7 hour had passed. I never realized how great Business class was. I think that is how it was in my relationship. We were happy and ok I never realized that there was more. I never knew of business class because it was so far outside my understanding. It was more than i could imagine. The couples that are so happy so are business class. The couple that fall in love each day, i could imagine that now..." there was more she said to that analogy... but the thought that was running through my head was that maybe God getting your attention was Him placing you in business class. But i did not say that. Well it was time for me to go but i had to say something to her. i had to say that maybe this was God's way of grabbing, getting her. "maybe the reason why God had this happen was so that you could come to him." "you know 90% of my friends are christians... and if this is what He choose to make me curious to get my attention then it was worth it." we ended our conversation there.
Do you understand how huge this is? Maybe not. You see this friend was convinced that she was going to heaven because she was good. she had no need for God. But now she has a need... in all the years we have known her we could not make her see her need. It took God allowing her to fall in love, have her heart broken... and who does she turn to and who gives her comfort, but Him. And she acknowledges that fact. She needs him now. Being good is no longer enough. It took heart break to bring her to God.
You know it is so easy to give up or forget friends you have... long term friends are sometimes the hardest to reach mainly because it is so easy to not talk about Christ with them. God is changing and has changed the atmosphere of our group. people are open to spiritual talk... this is not the way i imagined my evening would end... this is not how imagined that G would start to move towards God. In fact i think i had given up on that. i know i had given up. But God had not... G and i are going to keep on talking. She sounded so sad over the phone, but sad and strong. She also sounded hopeful and moving forward. I can not wait to see what God will do with my old friend.
anyways i had to share
so excited... i am the type of excited that makes you cry. why is God so insanely crazy good like that. when we give up He does not. He had a plan for her this whole time. He had His timing this whole time. I remember being struck with God's timing a little while ago. I was reading in Galatians about Paul's conversation. And it struck me that when God was well pleased to reveal Him self to Paul He did (gal 1:15)... We wanted God to reveal himself to G in high school. Man we scammed and planned... instead he brought other people first, steph, jason, rashanda, katrina, jessica... and now he is bring G. So crazy. Don't give up, don't give up. God can save the people you had given up on. He really can do it.

Waiting expectantly for great things

drum roll...

Drum Roll please..... and the week has been good. Not because work has gotten easier but because God has gotten good attention of my heart and mind. I was talking to a friend a few days ago and he asked me how was work. And i replied "good. screwed up here and there, things have been going wrong. but good." and he goes "and what was good about it." "it was just good, different perspective."
So here is my attempt to explain why it was good. Thursday (last week) Sandra (staff attorney) came in to office with this cute little blue bag filled with cookies. She hands it to me. "Well you looked like you were having a bad day and i brought you some cookies. I really think if you take a step back things won't be as hard as you think they are." I look at her, say thank you and give her a hug. twice i gave her a hug. and she is right.
Sunday we have church and danny is talking about us as a church being lead by the spirit... and i was in agreement. Then Monday i was driving in to work and i thought 'when was the last time i was led by the spirit' i thought and thought and thought.... whoa... well space rider (nnena) had been doing it alone for a long while... and i realized that i was not doing a lot of following and waiting. rather i was going to God. "Ok God this is what i am thinking or doing You tell me yes or no." There is a difference between giving God a set of options you have chosen for yourself and following where He is going. Well that moment in the car was sobering. real sobering. and i went ok God i will follow you. Holy spirit lead me and i will follow you.
And the resulting week has been fantastic... i mean wonderful.
my God times have been so good and filling instead of ritualistic. my conversations have been wiser... even the debate of what i should do in some tough conversations i have to have.... but my time with God has been so good.... that is the good of the week... they have just been good. my passion, the old testament, has been coming alive again... its just been good...
We, our girls group, were praying weds night and a prayer came out that is so true... anything good comes from God we can not manufacture it... if there is something good God did it... we can not make ourselves good. we can not make ourselves less selfish, i can't make myself have the right heart... i have to depend on Him to make it right... i was reading in Jeremiah (don't have my bible right on me) and God takes him though an an example of what isreal should be. God tells Jeremiah to take a waist band and not wash it and take it and hide it under a rock. and then after a time God told him to remove it and the waist band is ruined... it will no longer cling to the waist. And God tells Jeremiah "So is isreal. i made her to cling to me." I was made to cling to God. I was made to be so dependant on Him for everything. It is not an insult when people say, christianity is just a crutch. heck yeah it is. and you need that crutch too because you can not walk either...
anyways i need to go because Erika my sisters best friend is here and we are talking.

well...

So the question is... was today any different with the shift of thought... yes and no... Was work any easier... no my Staff attorney corrected me today and I almost cried in front of her, almost... can't cry in the real world, emotions have to be handled and work goes on... but the thoughts that ran through my head were slightly tempered, key word slightly... for ever petty thought that ran through my head from thoughts of how to guilt her to thoughts of leaving after i finish my projects ran through my head. but for ever thought of sin came a thought of "how is this going to glorify God. if you do this it adds nothing to the kingdom. just hold through this nnena" God is going to be doing a lot of work in nnena. i have prayed for years for a quiet and gentle spirit... i guess that comes hard earned. i prayed for humility... i guess this is the beginning of the chipping away of the pride. i want to have true joy and peace not one that depends on the type of day i am having but true joy... what does Christ look like here at work? i don't know... but i am going to be figuring out... it is easy to be joyful when you feel competent, held together, and supported... its easy to shine when you are in a protective environment... but will i be light when none of those things hold true.
sigh.
i got a lot to learn... but it will be good and i want to learn.

make me worthy of the gospel

So what does it mean to consider it all joy when you encounter various struggles? Tha is the question I am asking my self this morning. It is 8:27am and I have a few minites before I begin work... and thought that i have been turning around is this... how can i glorify God today... now let me tell you i did not start out with this thought... i started out with God i hate not knowing what I am doing at work. I started out with feeling sick in the center of my stomach at the thought of coming in today. I started out wondering if i knew any examples of people that hated were they were at but still glorified God. And as the morning developed i had to ask my self is my joy based on my cicumsatnaces or on something else? What is the basis of my peace and joy. Anmd am i being joyful. And then i thought about Stephen who shone when he was being stoned. I thought, "Man i stink. I can't even be joyful at my job. How about if i was being persucuted for the church." And then the thought flowed into, how can i glorify Him here? Yes i have to deal with the issues that make work difficult but how do i keep my joy, my happiness, from hinging on what happens here? And how can i shine here if my attitude stinks? Yea I am not outwardly complianing in the ofice but i know it comes through...

anyways those are my thoughts... i will see what happenes today at work... God help me to be joyful inspite of my circumstances and make me worthy of the gospel.

short note

What is a christian place in social issues? Right now i am figuring out my theology on the topic... Today i had dinner with Ann, an old roommate of mine. She and i are going to enter into dialouges about social justice/theology... again the question is what is the christian role in society? Is the gospel only salvation of sins or are there other issues tied into it... Now before everyone thinks i am floating off into outer space let me state that true change, lasting change, life only comes from Christ... I still beleive that my calling (our calling) is for people to know God in a real manner (not sunday school christianity but life)... so what does that look like... but can we as Christian ignore the realities around us... such as racism, poverty etc... does the christian role in the world as being salt and light stop short of anything other than Jesus came and died for our sins. Is that the only type of light we are supposed to be?

Anyways that is what i am grappeling with right now... it plays heavily into every person I meet that is not a Christian... I think the best way to discribe the mind set of the people i know is this quote from a book i started reading. Here a young jewish man is in South Africa during apartheid. Gets into a conversation with the author of the book about how God is calling him to know Christ but one thing holds him back
" I looked at James [jewish young man] and replied ' James i beleive that Jesus Christ died ont he cross and rose again for you.' James 'I beleive that Ron i really do... I just don't want to be like the white Christians (black people too) here. They sing about the love of Jesus and the joy of heaven, but they don't care about justice in South Africa. If i become a Christian, will I have to give up the struggle?"

What is a whole view of Christianty? What is the complete gospel? Why did God punish the isrealites for their lack of concern about the poor or justice... what does that mean for the modern Christian.

I pray that this summer i learn about that... I pray that through Ann and I talking and exploring and being honest with each other we find some sort of soultion for how God is callig us. As i was reading today I was reminded how woefully little i know... and how hard my heart is. I will be the first to admit my heart does not break daily for the poor. my heart does not break daily for injustice. my heart does not break daily for people that go hungry everyday... what is my role in showing people all of Christ's heart. What is all of Christ's heart.

this was not a short note. :)

anyways i hope y'all are patient with me as i explore and think out loud... and please explore with me... talk back to me... i want to hear what you are thinking.

anyways i must go sleep

tomorrow will be more updates on work... let me just tell you working at the judges chambers is ever exciting... :) whether i want it to be or not. :)

till then

nen

like wet jeans

I love my family... they make any day better.
so up until I sat around with my sisters' i was in a funky, ticked off mood. Work chaffed. It chaffed like wet jeans on a muggy day... you know the type, where your jeans just can't get dry and they stick to your legs and rub you raw... ok so i am over reacting... i was just frustrated. I felt like I did not know anything, even the simplest things. The only bright spot is that Dan (the lawyer who is intering with me) said that the same thing happens to first year students working at large firms. They get tossed assignments and they do not know what end is up. I want to learn and I guess the best way is to toss you into the deep end... but dang I never came up for air... actually let me be honest here, my pride was hurt. I hate not knowing what i am doing. I hate it when people have to repeat them selves for me to understand them. And Sandra had to repeat herself often. I would explain what i was doing today but... its too long to explain.

so i left work and started driving and drove to one of my favorite pizza places in east atlanta... and i sat there and journaled and read my bible and I realized that i was upset because i felt stupid and thought i look stupid... and then i got in my car and drove home.. durn pride

my sisters cracked me up and made me smile... and my youngest sister was back from a mission trip... i love that kid, she brings sunshine into any place... and she made me happy again.

anyways i don't have any deep thought from God at this moment... i am going to go bury myself in my bible until i become a decent person again... might take a while. :)

anyways off to read and just be with my family.
tomorrow is another day

Week one at the court

So people have been asking me what was my first day/week of work like… here we go in no particular order

Uncomfortable
Exciting
Overwhelming
Stretching
Growing

What have I learned?
That my relationship with God, my times with God are not a talisman to give me luck
That other than Fulton county jail the court house has the highest concentration of criminals than any other place in Fulton county.
This is still what I should do with the rest of my life
The work here, mission, is big and hard earned.

This has been an exciting and often times frustrating week. We, I, have gone to not knowing anything and getting lost in the courthouse, fighting with a queen (more on that later) to have three projects that I am balancing and strongly considering doing work at home. I am not playing around or pouring someone’s coffee I am actually doing real work that matters and effects other people’s lives. Maybe I should remind them that I am only a first year law student… and do they really want to give me this much responsibility.

And in the midst of the craziness God has taught me lessons about Him self and our relationship together. Remember the whole my relationship with God is not a talismans to give me luck… hum I learned that this week.
Well as usual I get running and take on more than I should… and this week that meant going to the C store after working at the court on my first day. Well before I left Sandra was telling me that her goal for us was to be able to step into her shoes at the end of the summer… oh and by the way when it is the judges turn to be on presiding week she will not be here that Friday. ACK! That is a month away from now… um did I mention that I am just a One L? Well I realized that I had a lot to learn fast… and i had been running, running, running… well the first thought that I had the next day was, “Oh my gosh I have not had my time with God in depth and I am running around, and I have been neglecting our time… and oh my gosh then that means everything will go wrong at work today. And it is so important that I am on base with God so that the day will go well. And then I caught my self.

Who is God and on what basis do I have a relationship with him? Have I forgotten that… is it that good things happen when He is happy with me because I have done all the right things and I am in like Flynn with him? Is that how God works? Is my quiet time my lucky foot my talisman to ward away a bad day? Will I by having a good quiet time by having in-depth time with Him decide how the day will be? Can I control Him like that? Is that even His nature… doesn’t He always do good not because we deserve it but because He is good? Won’t things go as He decides they will? Is He sovereign? Nnena what do you believe about God?

So I calmed down… and yes several of these thoughts did flow through my mind.

It is so easy to look at life and go “Something bad is happening I must have sinned.” So if everything is easy then God is happy with you? If bad times come does it mean He does not love you? Or are there other reasons for it. Do not get me wrong I believe that there are consequences for sin but I think at times we give lip serve to one aspect of God (i.e. my reformed beliefs) and yet live our lives a different way… and if I am honest with myself what I live shows what I really believe about God.

Anyways I could go on.

I have so many impressions about the running of the court house… the running of the court if you will… there are so many characters and so much power play. It is amazing. Yet everyone wants to make a difference… they actually do. There is a real love and affection between the judge and the attorneys assigned to him. The attorneys respect each other and also have affection for each other, yes prosecutors and defense.

What about it as a mission field… wow… respect will have to be earned and I will have to live with integrity to make any sort of difference. And I suppose that should always be the case but even more so here. You have people that are jaded by jail house conversions. Where a guy in jail will write a letter saying he has been changed by Jesus and won’t the judge just give him one more chance. Some people are genuine in their conversion others just use Christ as a battering tool. You have assistants who plan their Sunday school lessons instead of doing work or helping relieve the work load of their staff attorneys. Actually almost refusing outright to do the work they should be doing (power struggles). There are people who call the judges and tell them that their ruling on a case was just not Godly…There are people who use church as a way to network for a job, people who teach Sunday school whose lives do not show Christ. It is amazing. Light, true pure light would go a long way here. A true scent of Christ in his humility and integrity could go a long way here. His compassion could go miles. His scent, his true scent… gosh can I bring his true scent in

And here is where it matters where I am with God… not as a talisman to make the day go well and write the perfect memo… no so that people can see Christ… you know we sell the Christian walk as one of two things. Wither we sell perfection for the sake of others or we sell perfection so that we can receive… and in a weird way both are right… when I am focused on God all is well. My heart is right, the world might be falling apart but it is ok because I have Him and he gives me life. He gives me life time and time again… and then there is a reality that I might be the only Christ they see this summer… and how can they smell Him if I have not been so in his presence that his scent remains with me. How can they see light if my eyes and heart are so cloudy that no light shines from me.

I don’t just want to do a good job there, though I do want to do well, but there is a greater and bigger reason for me to be there. Can I and will I remember it? Will I remember in the midst of life that I am 1. hungry for God and 2. they are hungry for God too. And when I east and breath Him deep I am feeding two, three, four people… can i remember that?
We shall see…