Lucky too long

It was bound to happen someday. I had gone most of my 30 something odd life without having a man yell at me in a business meeting. I, all of a sudden, understood what so many women had told me...I felt it. I felt made small, petty, unimportant and unheard. He yelled at me...all because I wanted clarity. But the professional world being what it is I have to see him again and continue working with him. Right now I am at a loss of what to do--a huge loss. I need to pray and think and work through it all.

There is a power difference that comes out between men and women when situations become tense. Some women scream, I will own it. But there is a difference when a man raises his voice to a woman. There is a difference when he switches into the role of, "Woman fall in life with what I say, I will raise my voice." There is a difference when he raises his voice with you and not the other men in the meeting. It is worse when the other men in the meeting back him up in the spirit of his behavior.

I live in a man's world. And for most of my life I have been blessed and never had to deal with a situation like this. I have had to deal with some sticky situation, helping men see boundaries, helping them see me as a peer and not someone to date. But for the most part I had been lucky. My luck ran out today.

The worst part is I feel ashamed. Ashamed that I didn't yell back, that I pulled back, that I was not equally as strong. Honestly that is what bothers me the most. I view myself as a strong woman but this shook me. I wasn't strong in that moment.

I have to sit and process this and figure out 1) What I am going to do? 2) How I am going to handle this in future? Because the reality is is that this will not be a one time occurrence. If it is not with him it will be with someone else. How do I navigate that weird power struggle? I don't know.

Prayers are appreciated.

Hey

Well... you know... I thought since I was writing for my other blogs (heavens making me do that has been like pulling teeth) I should update this blog.

Still in SF. Still loving it. Still loving Jesus. Having my mind blown daily.

That should suffice for a blog post right? :)

Oh family it is a journey. I am praying for some big things regarding my career and for once I am being totally open with my current community about my prayer requests...but even bigger than that is the way God is blowing my mind regarding prayer.

But I am afraid I will not be writing on that right at this moment.

Stay tuned though

Changes

Much has changed, much has changed.

I am well settled in SF, not with a big firm and starting my own practice. I think I am the most surprised out of anyone that I am doing this. My father predicted this a long time ago. My mother probably dreaded it. But what can I say... it was apparently bound to happen.

Nnenaukuku.com

Now we are still working on the site (hence the blank about me but the filled about you). But this journey feels right and feels natural. It is as if the many different quirks that God built into me were adding up into me practicing law with quirky people (startups). For now, at this moment, this is where I should be... and it feels amazing.

Faith my eye

I can't stop believing.

Even if I wanted to, even if I pushed myself, even in the worst times when I feel far away. I can't stop believing.

Where the heck did that thought come from? It has come from the past few years of conversation after conversation with people that have lost the faith or never believed. I can't shake the surety that He is real. That there is a God. No matter how many conversations I get into with atheists I still believe. There is life on this planet, there are patterns in creation that make me believe. There is a push on the inside that says this is true, the same push that let's me see through the BS of people, that confirms one heart to another, that gives that 'other' understanding of the world. Even if I wanted to I could not silence the truth I feel inside of me.

God is real. Though I can not prove Him to others I can't shake the truth of His existence.

God is bigger than us. He is not a mirror of us, we are the mirror of him. Poorly reflecting the light at time, a smaller distortion of Him at times but like Him. However He is not like us. Catch the distinction. There is a difference. He is not like the gods of the Romans and Greeks, a god that is simply a better bigger man. He is more than that. He does not reflect us, we reflect Him.

He is life. No matter what we do to try to create life from scratch we can not do it. We can not create life from nothing, yet He can.

He is timeless. He is outside of time yet can fully play within time. I will never understand that it means that in the beginning he created the heavens and the sky... what was a day to him? I don't know. Was it more than 24 hours was it 24 hours. Were these His words to help us understand the order in which He created the world.

The car ride up to Michelle's wedding inspired some of these thoughts. I rode up to her wedding with a guy who described himself as a spiritual-ish atheist. I looked at him rather oddly as he said this but as the trip went on started to show what this meant. We talked about intelligent design. He was more convincing than me on that topic, heck knowledgeable. We talked briefly about God creating the world... and what did the days means. We had so many good conversations about what is unknown. The best part of the conversations is that they were comfortable and no one felt attacked. It was just a conversation that flowed naturally.

The reality of my world is that I know a lot of people who either have never believed in God or have given up the faith. What does that mean for conversations of faith? More often than not they are not approaching these discussion with an eye towards battle but rather for an honest conversation about faith and doubts and mankind.

I hope to grow from these and help them grow and look at their faith system in an honest light.

Here's to a lifetime of honest conversations.

Tony was called my Tony to differentiate him from the Tony I was dating while I was in SF. Both played awesome roles in my life. Thank you God for them both...

My Tony

One of the loves of my life died a few weeks ago. Yesterday I cried. I cried in freedom while we were driving down Route 1. This past Friday one of my friends came to visit me in SF. Saturday night we went touring around the city and country side and ended up on Route 1.

While driving a song started playing, a worship song and it reminded me of waltzing and something about that song reminded me of tony and worshiping with tony. And it hit me this side of eternity I will never dance with him again. I will never waltz with my tony. I will never harmonize with my tony. My tony has been taken away. And for the first time the tears just rolled and I allowed my self to be angry, angry at god angry at tony, angry at the way it turn out. sad that my friend, my tony that I love so much will never be here again.

Gaw it feels good to cry—to finally feel. I have been so numb for so long. I have wanted to feel I have wanted to grieve and feel and know and be whole. My tony is gone. It’s not fair, it really is not fair and doesn’t seem right.

God why did you take him away? Why did you take away the one person in my life who spoke so clearly into it, who I felt so completely loved by? Selfish, I miss him for selfish reasons but so what? Isn’t that why we miss all people?

I think for me I will heal through writing and song. It’s funny barbara is the reason why I am realizing this. She and I were talking and she talked about healing through painting and drawing. She talked of healing through art. I think and my thoughts become clear as I write, when I sing. That’s how I become clear.

So expect blogs that will be me thinking and healing and growing. I feel as if I should add this, though you know me and know this is the case, God is in it. God is still good. But his will, his will is hard to accept. Was Tony’s death the best thing for him? Yes, without a doubt he is in glory. Was it the best thing for us that are left behind… maybe… yes. And the fight of faith is believing the “Yes” and still grieving the loss. That’s what I am fighting right now, fight to believe the yes of both of those statements.

Moving on

So I sat in bed for a while. I didn't want to move and I just sat there and thought... I prayed for him I prayed for his family. I prayed for his future wife whoever she may be. I prayed for God to give him deep happiness. I had to pray that as much for him as for my own soul.

I woke up at peace. The right decision had been made. Doesn't mean my heart is not raw, does not mean it is not hard, but there is peace in knowing the right thing happened.

God being God planned my month in a way that I could not have anticipated. He planned it in a way that protects my heart and keeps me busy. He is also allowing me to see people who make my heart light and force me to think. God being God also provided provisions in the form of new people that I have met who are promising to keep my life filled with laughter. I won't be alone. And I won't be alone with people that let me be shallow. Even the new people He has put in my path stretch me and force me to think. I have to up my game. God being God has given me a peace inside that soon Nnena, soon, all these lessons you are learning will bear fruit. Soon Nnena soon the right time the right person, not something you manufacture, something that will surprise you is around the corner. I can't shake that impression. But next time it will be someone who fits all the fabric of my life. Someone who my family and friends say 'this makes sense Nnena'

But I am not living for that... it will just be a part of the story that is going on here in sf. And what a wonderful story it has been. Do I regret my beau? Heck no! I was cherished and loved. I was supported and encouraged. I was loved deeply and fought for. And for once I let my guard down and in doing that understood the nature of God a little more. I regret nothing. My theology was challenged and stretched. I was forced to grapple with difficult conversations. I learned how to open my mouth on behalf of myself. I grew up a ton. Thank you.

And the most precious gift that was given to me... I am alive in Christ in a way I have not been in a year. It was worth it. Every good thing comes from the Father. Thank you Father for good gifts. Thank you for t.t.

Hosea

So as I was editing my post I thought of this passage

Hosea

When Israel was a youth I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son. The more they called them, the more they went from them; they kept sacrificing to the Baals and burning incense to idols. Yet it is I who taught Ephraim to walk, I took them in My arms; but they did not know that I healed them

I led them with cords or a man, with bonds of love, and I became to them as one who lifts the yoke from their jaws; and I bent down and fed them.

How can I give you up, O Ephraim
How can I surrender you, O Israel?
How can I make you like Admah?
How can I treat you like Zeboiim?
My heart is turned within me, all my compassions are kindled.

Sometimes it takes twice

You know I don't know why I will never learn things the first time. It takes me twice to do most things. I took the bar twice. I took my LSATS twice. I had to learn the same lesson with two different guys. Really Nnena?

I am at the point where I am remembering something about the nature of God... He is a jealous God. And that is fine. But I forget what being jealous for someone means... and being jealous for their good and seeing good things happen to them and also being jealous for their affection. There are somethings about God I understand more since starting to date than I did before. Like passionate love for someone (recent guy). I had never understood certain passages in the bible like I do now. I never understood Paul's impassioned plea for his brethren like I do now. When you love someone to a depth deeper than friendship that love drives you to do things that seem illogical and forces you to sacrifice in a way that you would not normally have. That is why it is important to for us to see ourselves as not just a friend to Christ but as also the bride. The love a man or woman has for the person they are planning to marry is powerful and can not be completely understood and it does and can drive you to death of self.

I thought I loved God to that extreme but I am finding that I do not. That my love is too shallow. I was never tested with something I really wanted and actually possessed.

This reminds me of so many conversations now... and I understand a little bit deeper why God took Israel back time and time again even after they cheated on him. Because he loved them. It is such a simple phrase but so powerful. That passionate love drives people both to intense anger and incredible tenderness and forgiveness.

I can't imagine how my view of God will change again if I have children.

I will say this, there is a part of Nnena that 1) has not be alive for well over a year 2) has never been alive until now. And I am excited to see what happens. I am not going to say something nearly as foolish as I won't have to learn this lesson a third time. But my prayer is that I will fall in line with my past experiences and learn a lesson only twice. I think twice is enough.

I hope you all are living lives of passion, messy lives where mistakes are learned from and you are richer.

Here's to living life well.

Da da da, da da da da da da da da da

I am slowly gaining my sense of humor about things.


Every guy and every relationship have a theme song with me. It is just funny when your life plays out like a video… Weds we (the current boy and I) were debating the merits of playing hooky. We ended up deciding that he would still at least go to the end of his meeting that he had scheduled and then we would go grab some egg tarts in Chinatown. This decision would allow us to salve our guilty conscious. However our guilty conscious, being what it was, drove us to not walk to the car together because it would look terrible (yes feel free to roll your eyes at us) if we were seen leaving together. So we decided to split up and meet after he grabbed his car. I suggested that I cross the street and walk parallel to him and then keep on going to our meeting point.

Right before I left him I started singing the chorus of Pink’s song “Please don’t leave me.” He looked at me and asked me what song I was singing I just smiled and started singing it to him and then crossed the street. I kept singing the song while we walked—parallel to each other—looking back and forth at each other—on separate sides of the road—walking the same pace—headed in the same direction but only for a moment. I was headed straight for our destination but he was making a brief stop. The whole time we were walking I was singing “Please don’t leave me”

When we broke up the next day the song was still playing in my mind.

We were walking parallel. Heading towards what we thought was the same place, wanting to stretch out the time we had together. As I was singing down the street I looked at him and thought, what a scene for a movie this would make… what a scene that shows how the two protagonists relate to each other. Hum what a story. I was pulling for us, I thought we could beat all odds, but we didn’t and this time the break up feels more final. Maybe I should not go by feelings but my gut, my gut, says that our story is over.

I have so many emotions running through me right now. One is of relief that a decision has been made. I started laughing last night and said to him that I was praying to God for clear cut direction. Dang it… I was hoping for the story to end differently. I think that perhaps I am a bit of a romantic. But I had to do it, I had to make sure, I had to see where the story was going to end. I could be wrong but I had to see.

Initially I felt cheated but I don’t know any more. My sense of humor though is coming back… and I know this was the right decision but man it was so anti-climatic so lacking in passion. Where is the drama from our first break up? Where we had so many lines that could be in a movie—where is that passion? I am laughing at myself right now, sort of. Gosh I really don’t like dating and then breaking up. Dating is an investment and honestly dating that durn man raised the bar. I wish I could just date any Christian but I can’t, I just can’t. But there are things that did not happen with us and were not there that I do need.

We were walking parallel to each other. heading towards the same destination but he had to make a stop first. I pray that maybe we will meet later on down the road. It would make a great end to our story.

That durn song is still in my head. I can’t wait for it to fade away.

Why Christ

Why Christ is not a bad question to be asked.

Last night I had posed to me the question of why Christ, why Christianity, why are you guys right? And if you are basing your major life decisions on this 'world view' shouldn't you first verify the validity of it.

Fair question. Good question. One that I am not afraid of answering but will take huge amounts of effort on my part. I have gone through most of my Christian walk on the 'wings' of faith. Which, let me state clearly is how it should be. But Christ, the message, Christianity can stand up to the light of logic. But here is the question can I stand up to logic? Have I taken the steps in my own personal walk to sit down and challenge my beliefs, to look at them from the way an outsider can. Can I clearly give an explanation of my beliefs. What are the propositions of Christianity? Is it that 'with this brand (Christ) you will do all the right things, be a good person, a moral person and love the world'? Or is the message of the gospel something else? I think and believe that the message of the gospel is something else otherwise all we are doing is peddling another good, another way of doing life to the market. If being a Christian and being saved is nothing more than a way to make me moral then why be a Christian above anything else? I got a lot on my plate to answer for from last night's conversation. But the end result of the journey will be amazing. I honestly believe that at the end of this journey, not only will I have learned so much and grown but others will grow too, others who are important to me. For the first time in a long time the truth of the gospel is a burning necessity. Never have I felt such a need to study for such high stakes... the sad thing is that the stakes have always been high but now they are more personal to me. My family is filled with believers and now I have someone in my life that is as close as family who does not believe, or at least any more. I pray that all the people that I meet with fill me with this same burning desire to explain Christ in a way that they can understand and make a complete decision. I want to be that guide post that forces you to go to the left or to the right but at least you are fully informed in your choice. But also I need to be able to answer these questions for myself instead of just feeling the truth of it.

The time is exciting right now. I can not wait to see what God does.

Here's to answering the question "Why Christ?" in a way that glorifies God.

Doing ok

So I am doing ok this morning.

I am excited about a church I am checking out this morning. I have been in need of some good worship music for a while. Thursday I filled my head with their music to help keep me focused... So here's to new churches and new beginnings. I'll let you guys know how it goes. Been doing some other thinking too... and I will catch y'all up on that too.

Sorting

He's always given me the freedom to follow Christ.

It's early here on the West Coast... how do I feel... can't sleep... thinking... processing... missing... fluctuating between thoughts of "This is right for us now." and "He'll find a better fit." I don't know what the certainty of "This is right for us now." means. I didn't like having to decide between lovers, Christ and him. When will the choice be both? I don't know. I really don't know.


There are a lot of things to sort out and sort through. Funny this has made other situations more clear and there is a certain irony in that.

Here's to a complete undivided heart. Here's to great men who give you freedom in Christ. Here's to adult men! Golly the standard is high now. It is so high. Here's to finding what fits on such a deep level. Again the standard has been raised. Here's to faith that maybe, just maybe... the no is no for right now. He's to one single passion.

I got a lot to sort through. Love you guys.

Prayer

I would love prayer.

So we, I and the boy had a tough convo last night... and I would love prayers to keep moving today. My instinct is to just sit in, or hide by going to sleep, but I can't and won't. I had planned today to be a day to focus and go spend time with God and reflect. So I am grabbing some breakfast here at the house and hitting the road to go sit in the same Catholic church where I came to terms with another gentleman. I'll let myself cry this weekend but if I start to wallow now things will never get better... at least that is what I am telling myself. Gosh this sucks.

I need prayers of wisdom. Thankfully I am with someone who has that in abundance. There is a certain irony in that.

Ok off to shower, cook, move, breath, think, pray and pray and pray and journal... but I've got to start moving.

Love you all
nnena

Tough choices

Do you ever get tired of having to make tough choices? I do and i am dragging my heels about a tough choice coming up. It is a choice between existing and living. I say existing and living because one choice, though good, is simply that just good. And I would live a life centered on me and my wants. The other choice is living because it involves following Father and giving up what I hold dear. I pray and hope God brings it back to me... but only through him and not through my own efforts. Can I say I am grieved by the choice. Can I say I am very grieved by the choice. Can I say that God demands much. Can I say that He gives much. I feel like I am having my Abraham moment. Oh God please bring it back to me.

Food

Since living with Grace I have been playing with a variety of different foods. She and I have worked out a deal where I cook and she buys the groceries. Pretty sweet huh. Well she is also not afraid of letting me try different things and play around in the kitchen. This week we have been playing around with different types of sweet potato recipes. This morning I woke up with an hankering for hash browns... and I thought why not do hash browns with sweet potatoes... Now I have never even made the normal hash browns but hey oil and potato can not be too hard.

I went on line and found some recipes and took part of one and played with my own seasonings. Here is what we came up with.

Grate sweet potatoes and squeeze an orange over the grated potato. Add vanilla and salt to the mix and set aside.

In a pan saute some onions in butter (next time i am going to use olive oil) add brown sugar pepper, ginger, cinnamon, salt, allspice to the mix. mix it until the brown sugar has melted.

Add the sweet potatoes and turn it all around in the mix.

Take out scoops of the sweet potato goodness and add to a skillet and cook on both side until brown.

You can also just add it to a hot skillet (without making balls) and brown it that way too.

It was yum....

We have also been playing around with cooking in wine. We have tried chicken, mushrooms etc. It's been fun cooking for someone. :)

Freedom

Well the bar has been set. Yup set. Have you ever had someone in your life that just enables you to follow God freely? Even to their detriment? Yup... I have no idea where this friendship is going to go, but this I know he has raised the standard of what I look for.

Life is good.

Leaving

It's been a while. And honestly I should be sleeping but I am not.

So I leave tomorrow... for a long time... and then for an indefinite time after that. I am going to miss the life God has given me here. It's so weird that two random conversations would put me in touch with two new groups that would provide support and strength for me. One is the church I have been going to. The other is my gym. OhI will miss them both.

Don said a statement to me that if you always give the excuse you don't know how long you will be around you will never plug in and might miss out. He was right, oh so right, and I came and visited the small group he was going to. My small group has been food for my soul when I have needed it. They have given me much to think about and explore about God. They are real and don't have false faces up. What they think they will tell you. When life is tough for them, they tell you. When it is great they tell you too. And it is a colorful group as far as races... and i missed that with logos. I thrive on different colors... plus sometimes it is lonely being the only 'other' in a group. They have been good to my soul.

My gym people keep me balanced... they encourage me and create physical reference for me and the bar (Plus it is fun to be a teenager again have crushes on your trainers. :)). My cousin got me going to there. The gym is a weird mixture of Olympic weight lifting, gymnastics, and cardo or sorts. Imagine, little old me doing dead lifts and clean and jerks and the list goes on. I almost hit 200 on my dead lifts wed... :) I'll hit it next time. But anyways the gym is a small community filled with all sorts of people. They are also a mini-extended family and they have opened their arms up and let me in.

Tonight I freaked out about the bar. Thankfully I had already planned my evening... for time with fam and time at the gym. I texted people madly for prayers and encouragement, which I got. But they were not physically there and I just needed some human touch. Well I packed up my bags and heading to work out and I am glad. I am glad I saw them. A crew from the gym hung out tonight and I got a chance to say goodbye for now. There is something sweet in knowing that the people you will miss will miss you too. I am going to miss the girls there. I will also miss the guys being on my case pushing me further. One of the dear guys there message for me was "Your going to kill the bar and I am going to whip your butt back into shape when you come back." Thanks JW... I think. But I like them, I like them a lot and they have said random comments that make me think of God and make my mind work over time.

one of those thought i'll explore later... later because i leaving in a few hours and i have to get some sleep.

i love you guys.

Food and old Friends

Food
It’s been a good afternoon in God today, a real good afternoon.

So I started reading John today for the purpose of… yup seeing how Jesus did life. :) seems to always be the reason why I go through the gospels. Well as I was reading I ran into the story of the Samaritan woman. But what struck me about the story was the end of it, what Jesus said to his disciples.

Let me set up the story, they have been gone for a little while (the disciples) and they started urging Jesus to eat. He says to them “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples were saying to each other “No one brought Him anything to eat, did he?” Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish his work.”

I stopped there in John and just sat on it. Two thoughts occurred to me the first one being “God do I get my substances, life from obeying You?” The second occurred several hours after the other thought, “everyone gets their sustenance from following you, only we don’t know it.”

I started chomping through the first idea this morning/afternoon. “How long has it been since that was the case with me? That my life came through doing your will? That people remained or left in [in my life] because I knew it was your will. That I took this test [the bar]…What sustained you was to do God’s will. I’m not sure if I understand what that looks like yet. Will you teach me? will you show me how to get satisfaction from simply following you? to get my life from knowing I am doing your will. Obedience and disobedience will carry a higher penalty and I will not be able to simply slide.

But it will be a life like I have never lived before and I am ready for it.

Those thoughts occurred until the second thought hit me on the car ride home… life is already like that for us. What do I mean. We are already set up to only truly live and have life when we are following Him, obeying Him. For example, I am miserable when I am not following after God. It is not a simple guilty issue, but my life, my light inside, is dim and I am not the same person. I have seen it time and time again with different areas of my life. I am less me the further I am away from Him. I tried to get someone once to understand that… and my old co-worker understood that about me. I will never forget how my co-workers knew instinctively when I have not had enough time with God… there was a nickname they gave me for those moments. We are wired to find our life in Him. Even when we don’t find it in Him it does not change our basic makeup.

Anyways that is what I was chomping through today.


Good Friends

On a lighter note I spent some good time with old friends from high school. Yin and Jang are old buddies that I have not seen in ages. I feel oddly normal when I am with my old high school buddies… we are all just a little off, and a little inappropriate (when I say a little inappropriate think a lot inappropriate). I have always measured whether or not anything could go anywhere with a guy by whether or not I thought he could hang with this crew… sad to say I am not sure if I have met a guy who could honestly be able to appreciate (and I do mean appreciate, not just tolerate) the group when they are just being themselves and someone the group would not eat for dinner (both parts are necessary, I know men that have one or the other). However as spouses are being brought in I am seeing a little bit of what could fit with the group. First off, this person needs a thick skin and a good sense of humor. Wait let me rephrase that VERY thick skin and an ability to not get embarrassed when your significant other shares intimate details about your relationship while you are sitting at the table. Yin’s husband is a GREAT sport. Thankfully Jang new fiancé was not at dinner…

Well seeing as Yin and I had not seen each other in a while, she thought it appropriate to ask me very loudly while we are standing at the bar, “You’re still a virgin right?” “Yes, yes Yin, I am.” then later at the table she goes, “You know kissing and making out is ok but nothing else. Ok?” I am not going to recite the rest of what she said… suffice to say thank goodness I don’t get embarrassed easily. Part of why Yin’s concern cracks me up is because Yin and I share different values… She also proceeded to tell me of the nice West African men that she could hook me up with—men who love Jesus. Then she proceeded to rib me “Though if you want a Jewish guy I know plenty on nice Jewish boys. I did live in Long Island.” I am almost certain that the family that sat behind us was offended by that comment… I loved the comment and died laughing.

But I love that crew. We bounced around from topic to topic. Race and issues of race are not taboo or uncomfortable… conversation flows so easily and so honestly (maybe too honestly for the public place we were at). There is something about being friends with someone long term (15 years+) that takes away any pretense or having to explain yourself, they just know you. I am not saying you will not have your issues but a lot of b.s. is cut out.

Anyways that’s all I got for you guys.

if you have time

If you get a chance please check out this blog by a young woman who does work down in Mexico in Boystown. I believe that I have told you about her before... but her recent blog post is simply amazing.

http://boystownreynosa.blogspot.com/

check it out.

love you all
nnena