My Tony

One of the loves of my life died a few weeks ago. Yesterday I cried. I cried in freedom while we were driving down Route 1. This past Friday one of my friends came to visit me in SF. Saturday night we went touring around the city and country side and ended up on Route 1.

While driving a song started playing, a worship song and it reminded me of waltzing and something about that song reminded me of tony and worshiping with tony. And it hit me this side of eternity I will never dance with him again. I will never waltz with my tony. I will never harmonize with my tony. My tony has been taken away. And for the first time the tears just rolled and I allowed my self to be angry, angry at god angry at tony, angry at the way it turn out. sad that my friend, my tony that I love so much will never be here again.

Gaw it feels good to cry—to finally feel. I have been so numb for so long. I have wanted to feel I have wanted to grieve and feel and know and be whole. My tony is gone. It’s not fair, it really is not fair and doesn’t seem right.

God why did you take him away? Why did you take away the one person in my life who spoke so clearly into it, who I felt so completely loved by? Selfish, I miss him for selfish reasons but so what? Isn’t that why we miss all people?

I think for me I will heal through writing and song. It’s funny barbara is the reason why I am realizing this. She and I were talking and she talked about healing through painting and drawing. She talked of healing through art. I think and my thoughts become clear as I write, when I sing. That’s how I become clear.

So expect blogs that will be me thinking and healing and growing. I feel as if I should add this, though you know me and know this is the case, God is in it. God is still good. But his will, his will is hard to accept. Was Tony’s death the best thing for him? Yes, without a doubt he is in glory. Was it the best thing for us that are left behind… maybe… yes. And the fight of faith is believing the “Yes” and still grieving the loss. That’s what I am fighting right now, fight to believe the yes of both of those statements.