Sometimes it takes twice

You know I don't know why I will never learn things the first time. It takes me twice to do most things. I took the bar twice. I took my LSATS twice. I had to learn the same lesson with two different guys. Really Nnena?

I am at the point where I am remembering something about the nature of God... He is a jealous God. And that is fine. But I forget what being jealous for someone means... and being jealous for their good and seeing good things happen to them and also being jealous for their affection. There are somethings about God I understand more since starting to date than I did before. Like passionate love for someone (recent guy). I had never understood certain passages in the bible like I do now. I never understood Paul's impassioned plea for his brethren like I do now. When you love someone to a depth deeper than friendship that love drives you to do things that seem illogical and forces you to sacrifice in a way that you would not normally have. That is why it is important to for us to see ourselves as not just a friend to Christ but as also the bride. The love a man or woman has for the person they are planning to marry is powerful and can not be completely understood and it does and can drive you to death of self.

I thought I loved God to that extreme but I am finding that I do not. That my love is too shallow. I was never tested with something I really wanted and actually possessed.

This reminds me of so many conversations now... and I understand a little bit deeper why God took Israel back time and time again even after they cheated on him. Because he loved them. It is such a simple phrase but so powerful. That passionate love drives people both to intense anger and incredible tenderness and forgiveness.

I can't imagine how my view of God will change again if I have children.

I will say this, there is a part of Nnena that 1) has not be alive for well over a year 2) has never been alive until now. And I am excited to see what happens. I am not going to say something nearly as foolish as I won't have to learn this lesson a third time. But my prayer is that I will fall in line with my past experiences and learn a lesson only twice. I think twice is enough.

I hope you all are living lives of passion, messy lives where mistakes are learned from and you are richer.

Here's to living life well.