I am more like my father than I sometimes like to admit. There are times when I have a quick trigger temper and just react. Well Thursday and Friday was like that... and I should have given myself some more time before I did some of the things I did... from belly aching to cutting people off. But a lesson was learned at a cost... the cost being that there is little possibility of a relationship being restored... and that bothers me more than a little. Actually it bothers me a lot. My brother doug said something about himself that is so true of me. So much of where we find our identity and success is in our relationships with people. And add to it how can you reconcile when you have put a definite break in the relationship, heck when they have put a deliberate and definite break in the relationship. what do you do then? What is the Godly response? But that is another blog for another day.

Anyways I need to update y'all on all sorts of stuff. Forgive me for the fact that this will not be long. I just got back in and I need to go to bed.

I had a good long talk with Heather today. The first time I had gotten a chance to say out loud face to face to another women all the things that I was thinking about and working through. It was good. I started crying on the subway as we were talking. This nice guy handed me some tissue to wipe away my eyes. The sum total of our conversation was this "How does God view me?" No longer how do I view myself and how do I interprete myself but how does He view me. I need to know that in His eyes I am useable, that I am still a Godly woman. For the first time I said out loud what had been bothering me and making me feel guilty (other than the othe 4 things) What bothered me was that I so delibrately chose a guy over God. And once I did that my self view of nnena was blown to pieces. All I want to be and all I know of myself is that title, christian... godly... Does that makes sense? Can I be in his image if I so deliberately chose to disobey? Do I have a right to speak into people's life, pray for them, etc... my identity as a christain was shaken.

We also talked of other things... things too private for the blog. But it was good to get it out, cry, be a girl, process. Actually that has been the theme of the trip process, rest, and think. I had a good sit down think/talk session with God today. We talked and dreamed and planned. It has been so long since we did that... just sat and dreamed. I read through Haggai. I don't fully know why I did but I have a feeling it will make sense later. Here is one passage from Haggai
that lingered as I read it and lingers now

⁶"You have ^(G)sown much, but harvest little; you eat, but there is not enough to be satisfied; you drink, but there is not enough to become drunk; you put on clothing, but no one is warm enough; and he who earns, earns wages to put into a purse with holes."

⁷Thus says the LORD of hosts, "Consider your ways!

⁸"Go up to the mountains, bring wood and ^(H)rebuild the temple, that I may be ^(I)pleased with it and be ^(J)glorified," says the LORD.

⁹"^(K)You look for much, but behold, it comes to little; when you bring it home, I ^(L)blow it away Why?" declares the LORD of hosts, "Because of My house which ^(M)lies desolate, while each of you runs to his own house.

You put on clothing... but no one is warm enough. Something about that passage resonates in me. I am not going to get into that now because... because of a lot of reasons

DC
So the rest of DC was awesome! I had a fabulous time and I got a chance to see the city and get to know it through my eyes. Niles was great. And so where the other people that came to join us for our days and night. I got a chance to do some thinking. SF is where I want to end up long term. It is where my heart is. But what do I do in the meantime? Do I temp in other cities? What should I do? So there is much thought going into that.

Sunday was wonderful. I went with Jennifer (Grace's little sister) to church and I loved the church. I loved the thinking, the reformed theology, the passion and heart of the eople. i loved the depth of the thinking. It was so good. And lunch was good also. It was filled with good people.

And now I am in New York. Neat city, neat city. But I rather visit the city than live here.

Well I have to get up for breakfast with Anslee tomorrow. Plus I want to be fresh to spend some time with God. Today was so good. I love planning and thinking and stragizing. Even with my own life.

i love you guys
nnens