So today was my first day with the judge... and when i have more energy i will write more. It was good and overwhelming all at the same time. I have a lot to learna nd will be given plenty of chances to learn... this is no joke... she wants(staff attorney) to have me ready at the end of the summer to step into a role like hers. um... wow... there is so much i could say but i have to go to bed.
night
5.30.2006
5.17.2006
Old Friends
Well we thought today's blog would be best done from the perspective of two people. This week Marianne, and old friend from University of Houston, visited me. I say that the crazy adventures that we had this week happened because she came. She's asks herself how do we even get our selves into these situtions. I don't know something about my Texas friends bring it out.
Yesterday we drove to Macon. And all night we waited for the water in my water heater to get hot. You see before we left Clif had put the water heaters on Vacation mode. Well the water never got hot and Marianne went to bed. Tired and wanting a shower. The next morning i go to wash my face. Hum, there is no hot water. I go outside and mess with my water heater. Hum it is not working. Clif's is working but mine is not. So i call gas company but they are not open yet. Hum... problem... Marianne needs a shower... So being the inventive first generation girls from third world counties that we are we decided to heat up water on the stove. Big pots of water. Mircowaves full of water... we boiled pot after pot because not only did we need to take a bath. Marianne needed to wash her hair. And her hair is long... very long. So we debated how to wash or not wash. Should we wash the hair first or the body first. It was a heated discussion. Finally we decided to wash the hair first. wait i'll let her tell you this part
Marianne's version . . . as Nenna begins her adventure of bucket bathing!
So I am hunched over the tub while wearing my PJs and Nenna is hovering over me and washing my hair . . . keep in mind that my hair was nicely being washed but it was so ridiculous of a situation that I could not stop laughing! By this time I was pretty much drenched in water -- my hair and the some of my body by now. Finally phase 1 was complete. It was a success. I would recommend Nenna as a hair washer . . . I was nervous at first since she is more familiar with weave, but sometimes you gotta trust friends . . . sometimes I am not as fortunate in situations with Nenna. This is a good time for me to bad talk Nenna because that is what you are really hoping for me to do . . . cause I got all the dirt from Nenna's H-town days. E-mail me if you need blackmail information. I can think of a few gems of info! :P Now this is the first trip to Atlanta where Nenna has actually owned a vehicle. I have been telling the folks in Houston how excited I was to not be walking my feet off this time around . . . boy was I wrong. Lets just say that she PARKED the car at the BSU and proceeded to have me walk EVERYWHERE!! We did have a wonderful time at the Georgia Aquarium. If you haven't been before you should go, but buy your tix online first (easier method than what we did).
Okay back to the bathing saga. I ending up using one bucket of hot water for soaping up and scrubbing and half a bucket for the actual rinse. It was an adventure and I am so thankful to be CLEAN. Whoo hoo!
Now if you haven't been to Nenna's bachelorette pad, it is beautiful and quaint. Everything is great including the breakfast that was served. If you plan to visit, bring your own hot water though . . . you don't want to get caught in the middle of a hair brained idea from the mind of Nenna.
See ya next time! I told Nenna that I am coming back only for her wedding. ~Marianne
Nen is back
Ok to redeem the walking story. While we were ta the BSU we were told that the aquarium was only a little bit away. I was skeptical but Marianne said why not. We would not have to pay for parking then. Hum... how the story has changed. And i also have to say that she needs to plan to come for my graduation because i am going to elope in Las Vegas.
Anyways back to the story... actually we really need to go and start our day. We have tons of non-stuff to do this morning. You know it is amazing how buckets of hot water can steam up a bathroom.
Well hold on for more stories later on.
Love
Marianne and Nenna (or nnena)
Yesterday we drove to Macon. And all night we waited for the water in my water heater to get hot. You see before we left Clif had put the water heaters on Vacation mode. Well the water never got hot and Marianne went to bed. Tired and wanting a shower. The next morning i go to wash my face. Hum, there is no hot water. I go outside and mess with my water heater. Hum it is not working. Clif's is working but mine is not. So i call gas company but they are not open yet. Hum... problem... Marianne needs a shower... So being the inventive first generation girls from third world counties that we are we decided to heat up water on the stove. Big pots of water. Mircowaves full of water... we boiled pot after pot because not only did we need to take a bath. Marianne needed to wash her hair. And her hair is long... very long. So we debated how to wash or not wash. Should we wash the hair first or the body first. It was a heated discussion. Finally we decided to wash the hair first. wait i'll let her tell you this part
Marianne's version . . . as Nenna begins her adventure of bucket bathing!
So I am hunched over the tub while wearing my PJs and Nenna is hovering over me and washing my hair . . . keep in mind that my hair was nicely being washed but it was so ridiculous of a situation that I could not stop laughing! By this time I was pretty much drenched in water -- my hair and the some of my body by now. Finally phase 1 was complete. It was a success. I would recommend Nenna as a hair washer . . . I was nervous at first since she is more familiar with weave, but sometimes you gotta trust friends . . . sometimes I am not as fortunate in situations with Nenna. This is a good time for me to bad talk Nenna because that is what you are really hoping for me to do . . . cause I got all the dirt from Nenna's H-town days. E-mail me if you need blackmail information. I can think of a few gems of info! :P Now this is the first trip to Atlanta where Nenna has actually owned a vehicle. I have been telling the folks in Houston how excited I was to not be walking my feet off this time around . . . boy was I wrong. Lets just say that she PARKED the car at the BSU and proceeded to have me walk EVERYWHERE!! We did have a wonderful time at the Georgia Aquarium. If you haven't been before you should go, but buy your tix online first (easier method than what we did).
Okay back to the bathing saga. I ending up using one bucket of hot water for soaping up and scrubbing and half a bucket for the actual rinse. It was an adventure and I am so thankful to be CLEAN. Whoo hoo!
Now if you haven't been to Nenna's bachelorette pad, it is beautiful and quaint. Everything is great including the breakfast that was served. If you plan to visit, bring your own hot water though . . . you don't want to get caught in the middle of a hair brained idea from the mind of Nenna.
See ya next time! I told Nenna that I am coming back only for her wedding. ~Marianne
Nen is back
Ok to redeem the walking story. While we were ta the BSU we were told that the aquarium was only a little bit away. I was skeptical but Marianne said why not. We would not have to pay for parking then. Hum... how the story has changed. And i also have to say that she needs to plan to come for my graduation because i am going to elope in Las Vegas.
Anyways back to the story... actually we really need to go and start our day. We have tons of non-stuff to do this morning. You know it is amazing how buckets of hot water can steam up a bathroom.
Well hold on for more stories later on.
Love
Marianne and Nenna (or nnena)
5.11.2006
overwhelming, his love
His goodness is overwhelming. We do not deserve it but he gives it.
Today has just been one of those days. I was sitting here thinking of how blessed I was to have the teachers that I do. How well they love and support me, us really. And how sweet they were in their words in my letters of recommendation. It makes me want to cry. I don’t deserve such goodness, I really don’t. My dean was trying to help me find a job. Whose dean does that? Last night I had dinner with a girl friend here at school and we got to talking about my friends and family and how they moved me in. and she stated that I have good friends. And I told her I do have good friends and I do not deserve such goodness. Monday during my interview I was telling them about the people at the container store and how well they loved me. My family loves me. This week pretty much everyone has called to check on me. Right after my interview I got call after call seeing how I was. I don’t deserve it. Good gifts God gives good gifts. Why I’ll never understand, I guess because he is good and that is his character. But there are days when I am just blown away… and this is one of them… He is too good, too good. It overwhelms me.
Ok I need to go study for my last final.
Today has just been one of those days. I was sitting here thinking of how blessed I was to have the teachers that I do. How well they love and support me, us really. And how sweet they were in their words in my letters of recommendation. It makes me want to cry. I don’t deserve such goodness, I really don’t. My dean was trying to help me find a job. Whose dean does that? Last night I had dinner with a girl friend here at school and we got to talking about my friends and family and how they moved me in. and she stated that I have good friends. And I told her I do have good friends and I do not deserve such goodness. Monday during my interview I was telling them about the people at the container store and how well they loved me. My family loves me. This week pretty much everyone has called to check on me. Right after my interview I got call after call seeing how I was. I don’t deserve it. Good gifts God gives good gifts. Why I’ll never understand, I guess because he is good and that is his character. But there are days when I am just blown away… and this is one of them… He is too good, too good. It overwhelms me.
Ok I need to go study for my last final.
5.06.2006
grace
there is not too much that will be on this blog but this
the world is dying for grace. I am dying for grace.
I am still thinking about grace and truth. Love and truth... are those words really different words? So i finished reading what is so amazing about grace... andi am thinking. thoughts about unforgiveness and forgiveness. thoughts about what does it look like to give the same sort of grace God gave... so one day, on a later post maybe my thoughts will be more together and i will be able to share.
the world is dying for grace. I am dying for grace.
I am still thinking about grace and truth. Love and truth... are those words really different words? So i finished reading what is so amazing about grace... andi am thinking. thoughts about unforgiveness and forgiveness. thoughts about what does it look like to give the same sort of grace God gave... so one day, on a later post maybe my thoughts will be more together and i will be able to share.
5.02.2006
one down
Well i had the first final of the spring... what can i say about that... well I think it went well.
Actually let me back up from that statement. First off I have been so covered with prayers and love when i needed it... by people who did not even know why i needed it. Yesterday i struggled through studying and finally eneded up meeting with clif and mia over one of the practice tests. the conversation was good and relaxed me. And mia and clif helped put things in perspective for me. I don't want to work for a large firm, i just want to do well, and as long as i do my best that is all that matters. Then later on that day I got a love note from one of my friends from back home. Amy sent me the sweetest message with verses that focused me. Then i got a random message from a friend, julia, that said she was thinking of me. She didn't know why she was thinking of me (those were her words)but she was. I guess God told her i was freaking out. But yesterday was simply lovely. A day that rounded out with some good God time and rest time.
And today worked out fine. I got the nerves a little bit but then settled down. I answered what i could and moved on from what i could not. My grades have been and continues to be in God's hands. If He wanted me to see sub-issues that other people didn't, He will do it. I can't 'do' anything... Anyways I am off to go eat, run, and study.
Pray for me I have a conversation tomorrow about possible work and also an interview Monday for a position. I have no idea which i want, but what ever God does i know will be right.
Anyways need to go focus. It's been a good day.
Actually let me back up from that statement. First off I have been so covered with prayers and love when i needed it... by people who did not even know why i needed it. Yesterday i struggled through studying and finally eneded up meeting with clif and mia over one of the practice tests. the conversation was good and relaxed me. And mia and clif helped put things in perspective for me. I don't want to work for a large firm, i just want to do well, and as long as i do my best that is all that matters. Then later on that day I got a love note from one of my friends from back home. Amy sent me the sweetest message with verses that focused me. Then i got a random message from a friend, julia, that said she was thinking of me. She didn't know why she was thinking of me (those were her words)but she was. I guess God told her i was freaking out. But yesterday was simply lovely. A day that rounded out with some good God time and rest time.
And today worked out fine. I got the nerves a little bit but then settled down. I answered what i could and moved on from what i could not. My grades have been and continues to be in God's hands. If He wanted me to see sub-issues that other people didn't, He will do it. I can't 'do' anything... Anyways I am off to go eat, run, and study.
Pray for me I have a conversation tomorrow about possible work and also an interview Monday for a position. I have no idea which i want, but what ever God does i know will be right.
Anyways need to go focus. It's been a good day.
4.30.2006
Good Old Professor Ritchie
Well Professor Ritchie encouraged me to practice being my own worst critic, meaning i should edit and proof myself in my writing... Well i was looking at a narrative poem i had written last year and wanted to work on it. so here it is...
It was a beauty that almost hurt
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing
The sky was so clear and the wind so faint. It just touched my face and left my hands just a little bit cold. Not cold enough to drive me in... but cold enough to lull me in until I froze, not realizing how cold it really was… a gentle seduction of the breeze, faint with singing voices of outside. The crickets sang, low, deep. With the occasionally shrill sound… it rolled the song, you could hear it rolling and welling inside the cricket until it finally came out.
Yes, I felt the cold a little more. almost enough to drive me inside but I can’t. the sky, the evening, the beauty is too much to leave.
Occasionally I would hear the sounds of cars passing by, buses passing by, heading to some awefully important place
I didn’t want to go to that awefully important place. I was content just to sit here and write under the light of my porch.
It was enough to want to play around with words roll them in my mind and find out if they could come out and be something great. Something that caught the eye inside the mind the ear that lingers with the thoughts as you read a word across a page.
I wanted to see if I could grip someone
Actually grip myself
I feel the most alive when i write, when I think and dream and play around with words… sometimes I don’t feel outside of my words. Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I deliberately make myself numb and write of the emotions that are shouting across my mind
Like this one
I can’t have him
That is one emotion that has stayed inside my heart that I can not realize onto paper. I have tried in my journal to no avail… until now
He is not mine
And I hate that knowledge and that very fact. As if any one person could belong to someone else but inside I hoped that maybe my dream could belong to me.
I think that is why it hurts
My dream does not belong to me
I who dreamt it and played around with it in my heart and in my mind…
But there I have taken the emotions away I have killed my heart by making it far from me
It’s safer that way
Than to feel the hurt than to feel the burn that to experience and have what is only a shadow of what you want and you must be content with it.
But I am not content
And God knows that. He hears that. I scream it to him daily. I am not content with the shadow but I trust you with my heart… and I can not stop wanting what is not mine
To want
To have to desire
All of a sudden the outside has gotten colder. My fingers are colder, my toes are colder and I want to go inside where it is safe and warm.
But the beauty will not let me
I only intended to write of the night not of him
But the beauty draws me near
Beautiful
Drawing
Just enough cold to remind you that you are alive
And that death might come if you stay outside too long
But the beauty keeps me here
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing
It was a beauty that almost hurt
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing
The sky was so clear and the wind so faint. It just touched my face and left my hands just a little bit cold. Not cold enough to drive me in... but cold enough to lull me in until I froze, not realizing how cold it really was… a gentle seduction of the breeze, faint with singing voices of outside. The crickets sang, low, deep. With the occasionally shrill sound… it rolled the song, you could hear it rolling and welling inside the cricket until it finally came out.
Yes, I felt the cold a little more. almost enough to drive me inside but I can’t. the sky, the evening, the beauty is too much to leave.
Occasionally I would hear the sounds of cars passing by, buses passing by, heading to some awefully important place
I didn’t want to go to that awefully important place. I was content just to sit here and write under the light of my porch.
It was enough to want to play around with words roll them in my mind and find out if they could come out and be something great. Something that caught the eye inside the mind the ear that lingers with the thoughts as you read a word across a page.
I wanted to see if I could grip someone
Actually grip myself
I feel the most alive when i write, when I think and dream and play around with words… sometimes I don’t feel outside of my words. Sometimes I am numb.
Sometimes I deliberately make myself numb and write of the emotions that are shouting across my mind
Like this one
I can’t have him
That is one emotion that has stayed inside my heart that I can not realize onto paper. I have tried in my journal to no avail… until now
He is not mine
And I hate that knowledge and that very fact. As if any one person could belong to someone else but inside I hoped that maybe my dream could belong to me.
I think that is why it hurts
My dream does not belong to me
I who dreamt it and played around with it in my heart and in my mind…
But there I have taken the emotions away I have killed my heart by making it far from me
It’s safer that way
Than to feel the hurt than to feel the burn that to experience and have what is only a shadow of what you want and you must be content with it.
But I am not content
And God knows that. He hears that. I scream it to him daily. I am not content with the shadow but I trust you with my heart… and I can not stop wanting what is not mine
To want
To have to desire
All of a sudden the outside has gotten colder. My fingers are colder, my toes are colder and I want to go inside where it is safe and warm.
But the beauty will not let me
I only intended to write of the night not of him
But the beauty draws me near
Beautiful
Drawing
Just enough cold to remind you that you are alive
And that death might come if you stay outside too long
But the beauty keeps me here
Sharp
Lovely
Drawing
4.22.2006
To help my flower grow
This is from an e-mail i sent a friends about the children i babysat for tonight...
So unexpectedly I got a chance to baby-sit for Beth and Von. Mary Stuart is 11 yrs old and has cerbal palsy. Will is 8 and into everything… and we had a blast. First event of the evening was playing hide and go seek. When mary suart was looking for me she said “ where are you baby sitter… where are you, I can’t remember her name.” I laughed. We talked about how Mary Stuart is a princess. And I said every girl is a princess (you have to start them early otherwise they will not know that they should be treated as one). Will disagreed but then after much convincing (I had to do the whole daughter of the king dance) he agreed and said that he was a prince if she was a princess.
Later on we had to get ready for bed. And Mary Stuart has medicine she has to take in her applesauce. So you have to sprinkle the medicine over the sauce… they call the sprinkles seeds. So we made a song to go along with taking the medicine.
“Some seeds in the apple sauce to help my flower grow, some seeds in the applesauce to help my flower grow.”
“Who is my flower, Mary Stuart? Mary Stuart is my beautiful flower”
She lit up at being called beautiful. How is it that every woman, no matter what, understands and wants to be beautiful? She understands so little but she knows what beauty is. And she glows at the thought of being considered beautiful. And she is, honesty… if it was not for the cerebal palsy she would be a little heart breaker.
We kept singing the song for different reasons. When we were drinking some water
“Some water for my little girl to help my flower grow”
And bed time
“Night night for my little flower to help my flower grow.”
I love children. I love how open they are to love. You can be over the top extravagant and they love it. You can be silly and it makes sense
Will asked me to stay with him while he played his video game. Oh that got me…
Mary Stuart kept rubbing my hand and putting her head in my lap or on my shoulder. And she would just kiss me.
She is a beautiful girl, Will is a wonderful little boy. All boy with all the energy of a little boy… including flashing me because he knew it would get a reaction. “Will that’s not good…” “But you said you were too old…” “Will go take a bath.” And off he goes flashing his butt at me. Sigh. Y’all don’t change do you(boys)… if it gets a reaction you will keep doing it. Sigh.
But I know I will enjoy baby-sitting for them. seeing Von and Beth, being with the kids provides something I have been missing here in Macon, children and families. I loved kissing Mary Suart and telling her that I love her. And she is so easy to love, so accepting of love. I like crazy Will’s spirit, that he is ready for an adventure and at 8 has a pretty good sense of humor. He is patient. But I guess he has to be with his sister. Wonderful family, wonderful time, I needed a taste of family to get me through this next week. Let me be honest, I needed a breath of children… I miss kids I miss teaching them. Reading Mary Stuart her bedtime story might have been one of the highlights of the evening. Yeah I miss kids… the little boogers that they are.
So unexpectedly I got a chance to baby-sit for Beth and Von. Mary Stuart is 11 yrs old and has cerbal palsy. Will is 8 and into everything… and we had a blast. First event of the evening was playing hide and go seek. When mary suart was looking for me she said “ where are you baby sitter… where are you, I can’t remember her name.” I laughed. We talked about how Mary Stuart is a princess. And I said every girl is a princess (you have to start them early otherwise they will not know that they should be treated as one). Will disagreed but then after much convincing (I had to do the whole daughter of the king dance) he agreed and said that he was a prince if she was a princess.
Later on we had to get ready for bed. And Mary Stuart has medicine she has to take in her applesauce. So you have to sprinkle the medicine over the sauce… they call the sprinkles seeds. So we made a song to go along with taking the medicine.
“Some seeds in the apple sauce to help my flower grow, some seeds in the applesauce to help my flower grow.”
“Who is my flower, Mary Stuart? Mary Stuart is my beautiful flower”
She lit up at being called beautiful. How is it that every woman, no matter what, understands and wants to be beautiful? She understands so little but she knows what beauty is. And she glows at the thought of being considered beautiful. And she is, honesty… if it was not for the cerebal palsy she would be a little heart breaker.
We kept singing the song for different reasons. When we were drinking some water
“Some water for my little girl to help my flower grow”
And bed time
“Night night for my little flower to help my flower grow.”
I love children. I love how open they are to love. You can be over the top extravagant and they love it. You can be silly and it makes sense
Will asked me to stay with him while he played his video game. Oh that got me…
Mary Stuart kept rubbing my hand and putting her head in my lap or on my shoulder. And she would just kiss me.
She is a beautiful girl, Will is a wonderful little boy. All boy with all the energy of a little boy… including flashing me because he knew it would get a reaction. “Will that’s not good…” “But you said you were too old…” “Will go take a bath.” And off he goes flashing his butt at me. Sigh. Y’all don’t change do you(boys)… if it gets a reaction you will keep doing it. Sigh.
But I know I will enjoy baby-sitting for them. seeing Von and Beth, being with the kids provides something I have been missing here in Macon, children and families. I loved kissing Mary Suart and telling her that I love her. And she is so easy to love, so accepting of love. I like crazy Will’s spirit, that he is ready for an adventure and at 8 has a pretty good sense of humor. He is patient. But I guess he has to be with his sister. Wonderful family, wonderful time, I needed a taste of family to get me through this next week. Let me be honest, I needed a breath of children… I miss kids I miss teaching them. Reading Mary Stuart her bedtime story might have been one of the highlights of the evening. Yeah I miss kids… the little boogers that they are.
4.09.2006
Hum... something a friend of mine wrote on his blog is making my mind churn... the words were "pregnant anticipation"... and the thought that ran through my head was this...pregnant anticipation... anticipation, because life will be born... but the time before and the time when the life is born hurts.
his blog entry was about pain and waiting for God to come... Why is it that we... or at least i feel the most connected with truth with reality, with God at times of pain... i learn so much and life is so real then. And the good days are good, do not get me wrong... but there is something about pain that sharpens your eyes and makes you more aware.
and it is true the time before life is born hurts... and the process of new life coming hurts... and life is born...
and waiting for him is one of the greatest steps of faith out there... because you have to beleive He is there, that He is real, to wait for Him to help you.
thank you shane for your blog.
his blog entry was about pain and waiting for God to come... Why is it that we... or at least i feel the most connected with truth with reality, with God at times of pain... i learn so much and life is so real then. And the good days are good, do not get me wrong... but there is something about pain that sharpens your eyes and makes you more aware.
and it is true the time before life is born hurts... and the process of new life coming hurts... and life is born...
and waiting for him is one of the greatest steps of faith out there... because you have to beleive He is there, that He is real, to wait for Him to help you.
thank you shane for your blog.
4.05.2006
For anyone reading the blog. I would love prayers for sanity. Yesterday I added one more thing to my already full plate. I need wisdom to know what I should be doing as far as next year and also for mission fields... i can't do everything and i need wisdom on knowing what to cut out.
For this week i have a memo for my legal add that needs to get done. Supposedly we are supposed to have a memo for her before spring break about what we have discovered. I don't want to do a crap job on this because this case might go to trial this summer. Also I have to help write a memo on increasing diversity at Mercer. Um... yeah... both of these are due next week. I also am behind on my finals prep. Hopefully today i will have done two sample test and will have that in by friday. But i still need to do two other ones for my other classes. Sigh... feeling overwhelmed. But i will not push out God for the sake of trying to get it all done... so pray for me please.
anyways got to go do some con law. Yeah!!!! :)
love you all
nens
For this week i have a memo for my legal add that needs to get done. Supposedly we are supposed to have a memo for her before spring break about what we have discovered. I don't want to do a crap job on this because this case might go to trial this summer. Also I have to help write a memo on increasing diversity at Mercer. Um... yeah... both of these are due next week. I also am behind on my finals prep. Hopefully today i will have done two sample test and will have that in by friday. But i still need to do two other ones for my other classes. Sigh... feeling overwhelmed. But i will not push out God for the sake of trying to get it all done... so pray for me please.
anyways got to go do some con law. Yeah!!!! :)
love you all
nens
4.02.2006
so i am forcing myself to write a blog... truth be told i have a lot of thoughts running through my mind... thoughts about the church, about life, about growing, about everything.
here are some random thoughts running through my head
It is the little things that make you realize how much you are like your mother. Take for instance this week. I happened to wander through home depot... i was just going to look at some tile... well three rose bushes, a bunch of herb, and some veggies later i left home depot. I could not help it... i walk though the garden area to get into home depot... and i stopped and smelled a rose bush. Did i ever tell you how much i love roses... well i do... i smelled it and (hum what words to use from the English language to describe how i felt)... i just breathed it in and it was intoxicating (such an over used word). It filled me. Augh i don't have the words. (maybe the word is sensual) But regardless it smelled wonderful, oh so wonderful. Well i decided to buy just one rose bush and a few other things... well as you already know i left with so much more.
how does that make me like my mother. Well Last sunday mommy and i were talking about how she could not give up her garden. We grew up with a garden... and i remember my parents outside tilling the soil and playing with the garden. Well i have realized that the only reason why my father was working in the garden is because he loves my mother. And my mother loves to garden. And i realized that as i left home depot that i could try to fit the urge but i am a lot like my mother.
Actually a few weeks ago i called her (my mother) to tell her how much i appreciated all she did for my 29th b-day. We (she) cooked. And when my friends asked her to dance she did, by her self not caring if anyone was watching. I love that about my mother. I love that she finds adventures n the little things, the everyday things. She was the one who taught us how to have fun no matter what. My mother is the one who loves exploring Atlanta, staring at the red moon and dancing at Thanksgiving dinners. She's a pretty neat woman.
What else is flowing around my head... well lots of thoughts about church and what it should be and who i should be. I have had lots of thoughts about legalism and also just life in general. Most recent thought deals with my eldest son(prodigal son) tendencies.
"The gospel is offensive to those of us who have lived the spiritual 'right' lives. Because the gospel says that the jonnie-come-lately, the prodigal sons have access to the same grace that we have. We don't understand it. It offends us. And in our little ways we block entrance to God until they have met the check list we have for them. Then it is fair for them to receive grace."
The thing that i have been struggling with is a understanding grace... this past year at law school has thought me a lot about how the world views us christains... how they feel condemn and judged by us... and how we are the last people they expect to receive grace from. And honestly at times we are the last people to give grace. Anyways i have struggled with the fact that the sinner approached and at times even sough out jesus... why can't the same thing be said about his followers? At no time did he just say that sin was ok... but people were drawn to him... i hear all the time the statement that people feel convicted by the light thats why they can't be around christians.. um well my question still remains "then why could they be around Christ."
Anyways i have been tilling this around in my head for a while. My fear and the thing that i look at myself (for this year at least) is where am i putting up barriers to someone hear Christ. Where am i condemning? Where am i being judgmental? Where am i becoming legalistic. When am i becoming intolerant of the different ways God is using people? Do i think that i have arrived and that i have figured it out? Because when i think like that i stand in great danger of creating rules and standards for other people that might not be what God is calling them to...
Anyways, thank you Karen for getting me back to my blog...
here are some random thoughts running through my head
It is the little things that make you realize how much you are like your mother. Take for instance this week. I happened to wander through home depot... i was just going to look at some tile... well three rose bushes, a bunch of herb, and some veggies later i left home depot. I could not help it... i walk though the garden area to get into home depot... and i stopped and smelled a rose bush. Did i ever tell you how much i love roses... well i do... i smelled it and (hum what words to use from the English language to describe how i felt)... i just breathed it in and it was intoxicating (such an over used word). It filled me. Augh i don't have the words. (maybe the word is sensual) But regardless it smelled wonderful, oh so wonderful. Well i decided to buy just one rose bush and a few other things... well as you already know i left with so much more.
how does that make me like my mother. Well Last sunday mommy and i were talking about how she could not give up her garden. We grew up with a garden... and i remember my parents outside tilling the soil and playing with the garden. Well i have realized that the only reason why my father was working in the garden is because he loves my mother. And my mother loves to garden. And i realized that as i left home depot that i could try to fit the urge but i am a lot like my mother.
Actually a few weeks ago i called her (my mother) to tell her how much i appreciated all she did for my 29th b-day. We (she) cooked. And when my friends asked her to dance she did, by her self not caring if anyone was watching. I love that about my mother. I love that she finds adventures n the little things, the everyday things. She was the one who taught us how to have fun no matter what. My mother is the one who loves exploring Atlanta, staring at the red moon and dancing at Thanksgiving dinners. She's a pretty neat woman.
What else is flowing around my head... well lots of thoughts about church and what it should be and who i should be. I have had lots of thoughts about legalism and also just life in general. Most recent thought deals with my eldest son(prodigal son) tendencies.
"The gospel is offensive to those of us who have lived the spiritual 'right' lives. Because the gospel says that the jonnie-come-lately, the prodigal sons have access to the same grace that we have. We don't understand it. It offends us. And in our little ways we block entrance to God until they have met the check list we have for them. Then it is fair for them to receive grace."
The thing that i have been struggling with is a understanding grace... this past year at law school has thought me a lot about how the world views us christains... how they feel condemn and judged by us... and how we are the last people they expect to receive grace from. And honestly at times we are the last people to give grace. Anyways i have struggled with the fact that the sinner approached and at times even sough out jesus... why can't the same thing be said about his followers? At no time did he just say that sin was ok... but people were drawn to him... i hear all the time the statement that people feel convicted by the light thats why they can't be around christians.. um well my question still remains "then why could they be around Christ."
Anyways i have been tilling this around in my head for a while. My fear and the thing that i look at myself (for this year at least) is where am i putting up barriers to someone hear Christ. Where am i condemning? Where am i being judgmental? Where am i becoming legalistic. When am i becoming intolerant of the different ways God is using people? Do i think that i have arrived and that i have figured it out? Because when i think like that i stand in great danger of creating rules and standards for other people that might not be what God is calling them to...
Anyways, thank you Karen for getting me back to my blog...
3.29.2006
So i am blogging instead of writing my meno. (Thanks Karen)... this week has been interesting... mainly because it has been so busy but with pieces of just good time with people i love. For example this week has just been a good time at 940 Walnut. 940 is where i live and clif is my next door neighbor. I live in a an old house that was converted into a deplex. Clif lives on the other side of the deplex... hands down i could not have planned for a better living situation. About a few weeks into the school year Clif started calling me his sister and i feel like he is my brother. The first time we hung out we knew what the other person was thinking without even having to ask. Well this semster has been a busy and we have not had a lot of family time. And a few weeks ago we had dinner at my house and just talked and caught up... i heard a little about what was going on with him and God...
anyways we both signed up against our better wisdom for the Lawson oral competition. We pitched a fit every step of the way, complained, cried, and then put on our big girl pants (or big boy) and competed in the first round... and it went... well... it was not as bad as we thought it would be... but at the end of it we survived, egos bruised but wiser. Afterwards we grabbed dinner and just enjoyed each other.
Clif is an unexpected blessing to me. He is my gaurdian in a lot of ways and takes good care of me. He listens to me when i debate whether or not i should have a crush on someone. And actually gives good feedback. I feel completely comfortable with him and yeah... its nice knowing that you have someone in your corner who will fight for you if things get crazy.
Ok so it has been time at the house... it has also been growing time. This was the first time i was stressed by school to the point that was being totally irrational. I love law school. For better or for worse this is my calling and i really cannot imgine doing anything else. When i write my memos (which i am not doing now) or i am studying for a class... engaged in discussion(and i actually understand what is being asked of me) i am reminded how much i enjoy it. But it is wearing... and there are times when i do not realize i am worn down
there is a time for silence and there is a time to talk. I think for most of my life i have been silent when i should have spoken. and through amanda, my old roommates and trey i have been taught that if i care about a relationship i should say something... but sometimes silence is all you need. So i prayed to God whether or not i needed to say something... and asked that He would bring the right time and situtaion... and it turned out that i did not need to say anything... i won't get into too much detail but it was because of things going on with this friends own life that was creating the space. and when i learned that everything made more sense... i didn't need to be another voice adding to the stress for this friend...
anyways we both signed up against our better wisdom for the Lawson oral competition. We pitched a fit every step of the way, complained, cried, and then put on our big girl pants (or big boy) and competed in the first round... and it went... well... it was not as bad as we thought it would be... but at the end of it we survived, egos bruised but wiser. Afterwards we grabbed dinner and just enjoyed each other.
Clif is an unexpected blessing to me. He is my gaurdian in a lot of ways and takes good care of me. He listens to me when i debate whether or not i should have a crush on someone. And actually gives good feedback. I feel completely comfortable with him and yeah... its nice knowing that you have someone in your corner who will fight for you if things get crazy.
Ok so it has been time at the house... it has also been growing time. This was the first time i was stressed by school to the point that was being totally irrational. I love law school. For better or for worse this is my calling and i really cannot imgine doing anything else. When i write my memos (which i am not doing now) or i am studying for a class... engaged in discussion(and i actually understand what is being asked of me) i am reminded how much i enjoy it. But it is wearing... and there are times when i do not realize i am worn down
there is a time for silence and there is a time to talk. I think for most of my life i have been silent when i should have spoken. and through amanda, my old roommates and trey i have been taught that if i care about a relationship i should say something... but sometimes silence is all you need. So i prayed to God whether or not i needed to say something... and asked that He would bring the right time and situtaion... and it turned out that i did not need to say anything... i won't get into too much detail but it was because of things going on with this friends own life that was creating the space. and when i learned that everything made more sense... i didn't need to be another voice adding to the stress for this friend...
2.28.2006
it's been an interesting morning... lots of thinking, lots...
right now i am struggling to keep focus... honestly my head started playing resentful thoughts that were not even my own thoughts and i struggled and realized that that was because i was not filling myself my head with God. there is this saying i got from a childhood book, the girl in the novel is being told a prayer that her grandfather used to do, it was a prayer from the old saints. it goes "Empty me of me so that i can be filled with Thee." there is this void that happens when you are not filling yourself with Christ, and everything else flows in to fill it. All the time i try to live with out being totally immersed in God and it doesn't work. it just doesn't work. and i get frustrated and wonder why my thoughts are a certain way and well... i didn't empty myself of me and fill myself with God.
well i prayed, repented cried to God this morning. and i asked for his grace to change my mind. and he is. he really is....
anyways that is how this morning went...
right now i am struggling to keep focus... honestly my head started playing resentful thoughts that were not even my own thoughts and i struggled and realized that that was because i was not filling myself my head with God. there is this saying i got from a childhood book, the girl in the novel is being told a prayer that her grandfather used to do, it was a prayer from the old saints. it goes "Empty me of me so that i can be filled with Thee." there is this void that happens when you are not filling yourself with Christ, and everything else flows in to fill it. All the time i try to live with out being totally immersed in God and it doesn't work. it just doesn't work. and i get frustrated and wonder why my thoughts are a certain way and well... i didn't empty myself of me and fill myself with God.
well i prayed, repented cried to God this morning. and i asked for his grace to change my mind. and he is. he really is....
anyways that is how this morning went...
11.12.2005
So I have never done the blogging thing before... but since my e-mails tend to sound like a blog why not actually create one.
So here is something I wrote eariler today. Not cheerful... but real. Hope you enjoy!
Is it possible to have a favorite memory when someone dies? Maybe it is not the most decorous memory but that is what I have… my favorite memory happens when Chi chi died. Maybe because we were trying grasp at life and we laughed and laughed in-spite of the pain. Maybe because we needed to remember that we were still young and the young must go on, and the young must rejoice and live.
“As the yam pounds” was the name of our soap opera. It began with Chi chi elder sister starting off the story… and she told a story of an itinerant goat… who someone murders and she wants to know who did it. It was interspersed with commercials done with Nigerian accents. We laughed so hard.
We did the soap opera the Sunday evening after Chi chi’s funeral. It was a thank you dinner for those of us who were around during the funeral… family and friends were there… the whole family was there except leslie’s old best friend… a shadow of their relationship… who wanted to be there but could not be…
It kind of belied the pain of death, our laughter. It lied and told us that the world was right again. It made us not think of the hell of the week before. When we cried and struck out when we heard the news… wait let me be honest I struck out when I heard the news… some how I thought the peace that God had given me about Chi chi illness was a peace that meant she would get better… and she did… in that eternal way she got better. Some might say she was upgraded. But those of us who were so sure that God would save her, at least our version of save, didn’t think it was an upgrade.
Yes, I struck out because God had not fulfilled His part of the bargain, because again I was burying someone too young who should not die so young and so randomly. I had no idea that the next week ken would die too. But at the point when ken died I was too numb to grieve. Grieve and cry for what?
When I heard the news of chi chi I got quiet and a song started running through my mind, not the type of worship song you would suppose would echo in your ears. The words said “oh let your glory fall, as in that ancient day…” they tried to hug me, the women in my class. Evelyn asked me if I needed someone to follow me home, or actually I don’t even remember what she said all I remember is telling her “I’m ok, I’ve done this before. I am used to it.”
That was a lie. You never get used to death and dying… it becomes easier to imagine and maybe that is what makes it easier. It is easier to remember and then it is not such an affront to the mind… but the pain never eases. You cry because you are numb, you scream inside because you can’t feel and you really don’t want to feel, only the outside world says you must… but would they want to feel?
So the soap opera was our way of feeling something else. Of laughing and pretending that everything was normal. And it was as if life went on even though someone we loved died. And that is normal. Not existing is normal. Pain, hurting is normal. I guess I never thought that the moment when nothing hurt and everything was well with the world were the abnormal moments… but they are… maybe I should cherish them more, because sunshine eventually disappears and night comes… and that memory is a star in the dark, dark night.
So here is something I wrote eariler today. Not cheerful... but real. Hope you enjoy!
Is it possible to have a favorite memory when someone dies? Maybe it is not the most decorous memory but that is what I have… my favorite memory happens when Chi chi died. Maybe because we were trying grasp at life and we laughed and laughed in-spite of the pain. Maybe because we needed to remember that we were still young and the young must go on, and the young must rejoice and live.
“As the yam pounds” was the name of our soap opera. It began with Chi chi elder sister starting off the story… and she told a story of an itinerant goat… who someone murders and she wants to know who did it. It was interspersed with commercials done with Nigerian accents. We laughed so hard.
We did the soap opera the Sunday evening after Chi chi’s funeral. It was a thank you dinner for those of us who were around during the funeral… family and friends were there… the whole family was there except leslie’s old best friend… a shadow of their relationship… who wanted to be there but could not be…
It kind of belied the pain of death, our laughter. It lied and told us that the world was right again. It made us not think of the hell of the week before. When we cried and struck out when we heard the news… wait let me be honest I struck out when I heard the news… some how I thought the peace that God had given me about Chi chi illness was a peace that meant she would get better… and she did… in that eternal way she got better. Some might say she was upgraded. But those of us who were so sure that God would save her, at least our version of save, didn’t think it was an upgrade.
Yes, I struck out because God had not fulfilled His part of the bargain, because again I was burying someone too young who should not die so young and so randomly. I had no idea that the next week ken would die too. But at the point when ken died I was too numb to grieve. Grieve and cry for what?
When I heard the news of chi chi I got quiet and a song started running through my mind, not the type of worship song you would suppose would echo in your ears. The words said “oh let your glory fall, as in that ancient day…” they tried to hug me, the women in my class. Evelyn asked me if I needed someone to follow me home, or actually I don’t even remember what she said all I remember is telling her “I’m ok, I’ve done this before. I am used to it.”
That was a lie. You never get used to death and dying… it becomes easier to imagine and maybe that is what makes it easier. It is easier to remember and then it is not such an affront to the mind… but the pain never eases. You cry because you are numb, you scream inside because you can’t feel and you really don’t want to feel, only the outside world says you must… but would they want to feel?
So the soap opera was our way of feeling something else. Of laughing and pretending that everything was normal. And it was as if life went on even though someone we loved died. And that is normal. Not existing is normal. Pain, hurting is normal. I guess I never thought that the moment when nothing hurt and everything was well with the world were the abnormal moments… but they are… maybe I should cherish them more, because sunshine eventually disappears and night comes… and that memory is a star in the dark, dark night.
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